- Martin: One time when I was on the force, I saw a guy shoot somebody. When we caught him, I started to read him his rights, but he slipped out of his cuffs and he swung at me, so I didn't get a chance to finish. Two months later, I'm on the stand and his lawyer asks me if I read him his rights in full. Now, if I say no, this guy walks, and this guy has been in and out of jail all his life. He could have read ME his rights. So I say "Yes, I did. I read 'em in full." I lied under oath. Now, you might think that I did an unethical thing, but there's not a doubt in my mind that I did the right thing.
- Frasier: Do you really want to see me lying under oath?
- Martin: Well, it's better than seeing your brother lying under a piano.
- Frasier: You know, I can't believe you're being so casual about this. Do you realize you're asking me to do something completely unethical?
- Martin: Oh, for God's sake, nobody's even gonna know!
- Frasier: Yes, but that's the point! Ethics are what we do when no one else is looking. For heaven's sake, I learned that from you.
- Niles: [Niles reads the diploma on the wall in Donny's office] Oh, University of Las Vegas! No problem finding tassels for those mortar boards.
- Donny Douglas: [smelling Daphne's hair] That scent is wonderful, what is it?
- Niles: [turning away, quietly to himself] Cherry bark and almonds.
- Martin: [trying to convince Frasier to lie about Niles' feelings for Daphne in his divorce proceedings] You're really not going to go down there tomorrow and blow it for him, are you?
- Frasier: Dad, there is nothing more I'd like to do than to help my brother. But I would like to find a way to do it without violating my ethics!
- Martin: But Maris is responsible for this divorce! Niles's feelings for Daphne has nothing to do with it! Now, if you cover for Niles you won't be doing anything wrong.
- Frasier: Dad, we are talking about perjury! When is that ever acceptable?
- Martin: Oh, you want an example? Fine! Let's say, uh, what if there was a comet hurtling towards the earth...
- Frasier: Oh, for God's sake!
- Martin: And you were the only person who could save the earth, but the only way to do it is by lying under oath. Would you do it then?
- Frasier: Who am I lying to, the comet?
- Martin: Oh, just answer the question!
- Frasier: All right, I suppose in certain extreme cases...
- Martin: So, then you'd lie?
- Frasier: To save mankind from a talking comet, yes!
- Niles: No, no, Marta, that's alright. She doesn't have to come to the phone. Just give her this message: "I've flushed out her family secret."... Helloooo Maris.
- Niles: Tomorrow everyone will know, including Daphne. And this is how she's going to find out. I wanted to whisper it to her over a candlelight dinner, not have it read back to her by a court stenographer.
- Donny Douglas: [on the phone to Maris's lawyer] You'll be facing a counter-suit for deliberate infliction of pain and emotional distress. What, you don't think I can win? You call York and McFadden. You see what those bastards had to pay for trying to pull this same crap on a client of mine. Yeah, we're talking big numbers here, Whalen! You haven't seen so many zeroes lined up since Mister Spock had a book signing!
- Frasier: And indeed, I had high hopes for Niles and Maris, as is witnessed by my wedding toast, in which I combined my heartfelt sentiments with apt quotations from Shakespeare, jazz great Louis Armstrong, and the poet Catullus.
- Donny Douglas: [sarcastic] And so your answer would be, "Yes, I attended their wedding."
- Donny Douglas: Now, look, they're also going to allege that during the separation, Niles was wasteful with money.
- Niles: Wha...? She's calling ME wasteful?
- Donny Douglas: Mmm-hmm.
- Niles: Do you recall what she used to do when one of our dogs needed a shampoo?
- Frasier: Yes, she'd fill the bathtub with Evian!
- Niles: Half the time she'd just get a new dog!
- Frasier: [looking at baby pictures of Alice] Oh, well, that's just adorable, the silly little one with the jam all over her face.
- Roz Doyle: Actually that's not jam, Frasier. It's baby eczema.
- Frasier: Oh. Well, don't worry about that. That sort of thing is bound to clear up...
- [looks at the next picture]
- Frasier: or spread.
- Martin: One time when I was on the force I saw a guy shoot somebody, when we caught him I started to read him his rights but he slipped out of his cuffs and he swung at me so I didn't get a chance to finish. Two months later i'm on the stand and his lawyer asks me if i read him his rights in full. Now if I say no this guy walksand this guy has been in and out of jail all his life, he could have read ME his rights. So I said 'Yes, I did. I read 'em in full'. I lied under oath. Now you might think that I did an unethical thing but there's not a doubt in my mind that I did the right thing.