- [Roz, Alice, and Mrs. Moon arrive at the courthouse]
- Mrs. Gertrude Moon: Well, in my day, people didn't drive so recklessly. Do you know why?
- Alice May Doyle: Is it because you rode dinosaurs?
- [Roz struggles to keep a straight face]
- Mrs. Gertrude Moon: [in a huff] You should talk to your daughter.
- [Mrs. Moon exits. Roz kneels down to face Alice]
- Roz Doyle: When we get home... you're getting ice cream.
- Reno Officiant: You may exchange rings as a symbol of the promises you've made here today.
- [Niles and Daphne put the rings on each other's fingers]
- Reno Officiant: By the power vested in me by the state of Nevada, county of Washoe and the all-new Lucky 7 Resort and Casino, I now pronounce you Husband and Wife. Good luck!
- [the officiant presses a button and the recorded sounds of church bells are heard. He starts to leave, but pauses at the chapel door]
- Reno Officiant: Hey, don't forget to check out our topless buffet.
- [He leaves]
- Dr. Niles Crane: [shouting] He never said "You may kiss the bride."
- Daphne Moon: [Also shouting] You may kiss the bride.
- [Niles and Daphne embrace and kiss]
- Dr. Niles Crane: Oh, Frasier, thank you so much for dinner.
- Daphne Moon: Yes, it was wonderful.
- Dr. Frasier Crane: It was my pleasure. Dad, don't you have something to add?
- Martin Crane: [as he sits] I already said thank you for dinner. What am I supposed to do, get down on my knees and kowtow to your fancy-ass American Express card?
- Dr. Frasier Crane: No, I was referring to the gift we have for them.
- Martin Crane: Oh! Right, I forgot about that. Yeah, and thanks for dinner, Fraizh, it really was excellent. I didn't think I'd like beef cheeks.
- Dr. Frasier Crane: Yes, yes! Dad, give them the gift.
- [Martin gives them the gift]
- Daphne Moon: This is so exciting, our first wedding present.
- [Niles opens it]
- Daphne Moon: It's a silver picture frame!
- Dr. Niles Crane: Beautiful.
- Dr. Frasier Crane: And nota bene, it's been engraved with today's date in order to commemorate your wedding date until your real gift arrives.
- Daphne Moon: It's very sweet. Thank you Mr. Crane and Dr. Crane.
- Martin Crane: Well, you can't call us that anymore. We're family now.
- Daphne Moon: [Realizing] So we are.
- [she turns to face Fraiser]
- Daphne Moon: Well, thank you... Frasier. Oh, that feels strange.
- [Daphne and Frasier share a laugh as he kisses her on the cheek]
- Daphne Moon: [she stands up at the same time Martin does] And thank you...
- Daphne Moon, Martin Crane: Martin/Dad.
- Daphne Moon: Dad.
- Martin Crane: Or Martin. Whatever makes you comfortable.
- Daphne Moon: Oh, thank you Mr. Crane.
- [Daphne kisses Martin on the cheek as they hug]
- Martin Crane: Don't mention it.
- Daphne Moon: I'm sorry everyone, but Niles and I, we're already married.
- Mrs. Gertrude Moon: What?
- Dr. Frasier Crane: Mrs. Moon, I'm afraid it's true. Niles and Daphne are already married, and they were simply trying to spare your feelings.
- Roz Doyle: [to Frasier] You knew about Reno?
- Dr. Frasier Crane: [caught off guard] I was talking about yesterday. What happened in Reno?
- Roz Doyle: They got married yesterday?
- Mrs. Gertrude Moon: This is all a lie?
- Daphne Moon: No, yesterday was a lie. We eloped last week.
- Martin Crane: I thought you had to wait for the license.
- Dr. Niles Crane: That's why we went to Reno.
- Dr. Frasier Crane: Why didn't you tell us?
- Dr. Niles Crane: We thought you'd be insulted.
- Dr. Frasier Crane: I'm insulted now! How could you tell Roz and not tell your family?
- Mrs. Gertrude Moon: How could you have two weddings without telling your mother about one?
- Roz Doyle: How could you cheat Alice out of being a flower girl?
- Daphne Moon: We just wanted to be married.
- Martin Crane: Hold on, I got a question here.
- [Martin opens the door]
- Martin Crane: You've been married for a week, how come you're not on your honeymoon?
- Daphne Moon: Thank you... Martin.
- [Niles and Daphne go to leave]
- Dr. Niles Crane: I hope you can all forgive us.
- Dr. Frasier Crane: Of course, your happiness that's what's important.
- Daphne Moon: This is such a relief. It just felt wrong to start off a marriage with a lie.
- Mrs. Gertrude Moon: Um, was the first one at least in front of a minister?
- Daphne Moon: Of course!
- Dr. Niles Crane: Yes, let's go.
- [Daphne and Niles leave]
- Dr. Frasier Crane: Mrs. Moon, you have my personal guarantee that this will not be a Godless union. For if you truly believe in the omniscience and omnipresence of the Lord, then surely are we not always in His presence?
- Mrs. Gertrude Moon: No, He lives at the church.
- Dr. Niles Crane: [what Niles is bringing on his honeymoon] I'm just bringing sunscreen.
- Dr. Frasier Crane: Pardon me - I'm just going to poke out my mind's eye!
- Dr. Niles Crane: We can't tell her that we're married. It would crush her.
- Dr. Frasier Crane: Niles, all of the wine presses in Bordeaux couldn't crush that woman!
- [First lines]
- Daphne Moon: I, Daphne Moon, do take thee, Niles Crane, as my husband. I promise you my fidelity and my support, my laughter and my tears, my constant friendship and my unending love as long as we both shall live.
- Dr. Niles Crane: I, Niles Crane, do take thee, Daphne Moon, as my wife. I vow to you my fidelity and my support, my honor and my respect, my honesty and my protection. You are my comfort, my joy, and my one true love. I will cherish you all the days of my life and treasure the journey that has brought us to this most wonderful perfect place.
- Reno Officiant: Seriously, do you have the rings?
- Dr. Niles Crane: Oh, no. In my rush to get here, I completely forgot about them.
- Daphne Moon: Does this mean we can't get married?
- Reno Officiant: It would, if we didn't offer seven different wedding band packages for you to choose from. Now, depending on your budget, we can offer you anything from the "B-Steel My Heart," that's genuine stainless right there, to the "Never Ending Love," which can be returned for up to 90 days, no questions asked.
- Mrs. Gertrude Moon: Why did we all have to be here just to pick up a bloody licence? Couldn't we have met at the church?
- Daphne Moon: Mum, we're not going to the church, we're getting married here.
- Mrs. Gertrude Moon: You're what?
- Dr. Niles Crane: We're having a civil ceremony.
- Mrs. Gertrude Moon: Without a minister? Out of the question.
- Daphne Moon: Mum...
- Mrs. Gertrude Moon: That's enough, Daphne. I am your mother and I will not bear witness to a Godless union.
- Martin Crane: Gertrude, I was in favor of a church wedding too, but this is their day, not ours. Maybe we should just let them decide how it's gonna be.
- Mrs. Gertrude Moon: If people got to decide things for themselves, no one would go to church.
- Judge Anderson: If I may...
- Dr. Frasier Crane: [Interrupting the judge] I'll handle this, Your Honour.
- Dr. Frasier Crane: [Turns to Mrs. Moon and speaking softly, he makes an emotional plea] Mrs. Moon, you have my personal guarantee that this will not be a Godless union. For if you truly believe in the omniscience and omnipresence of the Lord, then surely are we not always in His presence?
- Mrs. Gertrude Moon: [Snapping back adamantly] No! He lives at the church.