Frasier (TV Series)

Roz and the Schnoz (1998)

Peri Gilpin: Roz Doyle

Quotes 

• Roz : I'm just sitting here thinking, what if my kid gets Rick's nose, and my ears and eyes? Throw in my grandfather's third nipple, I might as well pitch a tent and charge admission.

• [on having in-laws without being married] 

  Roz : That's like posing nude for your art teacher and still flunking the course.

  [Frasier is shocked] 

  Roz : Shut up. I needed the credit.

• [Roz is pregnant and dressed in a black dress] 

  Roz : Okay, give it to me straight. How do I look?

  Frasier : Like Pollyanna grew up and got herself in a little trouble.

• Frasier : [to Roz as she emerges from the powder room]  Roz, this is Steve and Paula Garrett.

  Roz : [astounded by their large noses]  Hi.

  Steve Garrett : Hi... oh, that's alright Roz, we don't blame you for being shocked.

  Paula Garrett : I mean, we're used to it. You should see the looks we get.

  Steve Garrett : You were a little taken aback yourself, weren't you, Dr. Crane?

  Frasier : Oh-ho-ho, certainly not!

  Paula Garrett : Oh, come on, it's alright! Everyone comments on it.

  Frasier : Well, I must admit when I opened the door I...

  Paula Garrett : [finishes]  ... couldn't believe we were old enough to have a twenty year-old son.

  Frasier : [lying]  Exactly! You know, you both look so young. Don't they, Roz?

  Roz : [still astounded, as the Garrett's turn to face her]  Yes... young. Very, very, young.

  Paula Garrett : Oh Roz, I can see you're feeling a little uncomfortable, so let's just say, right up front, that we have no intention of intruding on your life.

  Steve Garrett : Rick told us what a wonderful person you are. We just wanted to meet you and offer any help or support that you think is appropriate.

  [Frasier gives Roz a reassuring smile] 

  Roz : [sincerely and beginning to settle down]  Thanks. That's very nice.

• [Frasier checks his answering machine] 

  Roz : I had my calls forwarded, I hope you don't mind.

  Marco : Roz, it's Marco. I'm coming to town this weekend. Are you busy Saturday night, late? Call me.

  Roz : [who's seven months pregnant]  Obviously, Marco and I haven't talked for a long time.

  Frasier : Something tells me you never talked for a long time.

• Martin : [Continuing his story as Roz and the Garretts come back inside]  Well, the whole weekend was like that! Just one surprising event-

  [Martin turns around and screams at the sight of the Garretts' large noses. Niles and Daphne once again have to suppress their giggles as Roz looks on nervously] 

  Steve Garrett : I-I'm sorry, did we startle you?

  Martin : [regaining his composure]  Oh, no, no, I-I didn't know we had company.

  Frasier : Dad, Dad, this is Steve and Paula Garrett. They're Rick's parents, you remember Rick?

  Martin : [shaking hands]  Oh sure, yeah! Hi, how are ya? Nice to meet you, Marty Crane.

  Roz : [after an awkward silence]  Oh, they're just on their way to Paris to visit Rick.

  Martin : Oh, yeah? That sounds like fun.

  Paula Garrett : Yeah, I'm just a little nervous. I hear the Parisians can be kinda snooty.

  [This time, Martin turns away as he tries to fight his own fit of hysteria with Niles and Daphne] 

  Daphne : [Fighting to keep her composure]  Excuse me, I've got something in the oven.

  Dr. Niles Crane : Let me help you.

  Martin : Yeah, uh, me too!

  [as they make their way into the kitchen, Niles, Daphne and Martin collapse with stifled, hysterical laughter] 

• Roz : So, you're off to San Francisco.

  Martin : Yeah, yeah. Duke and I took our shore leave there in '52. We're going back to retrace our steps.

  Roz : That sounds like fun!

  Martin : Yeah, yeah. We had a great time that weekend. Back then there was no place like Frisco for a single guy cruising the streets looking for a good time.

  Frasier : You know dad, I think you'll find that Frisco hasn't changed all that much.

• Dr. Niles Crane : [Frasier reluctantly agrees to go to a dog show with him]  Thank you, thank you, I knew I could count on you for this, Frasier. It's nice to know that some things never change.

  Roz : [a flustered Roz enters the cafe, carrying two suitcases]  Do you guys know where I can get a cheap hotel room in a hurry?

  Dr. Niles Crane : Case in point! Goodbye, Roz.

• Frasier : You know Roz, if you're stuck, my dad's going to San Francisco for the weekend. You can always stay with me.

  Roz : Wow, that would sure make things easier.

  [quick] 

  Roz : Okay.

  Frasier : [surprised]  Well then, that's settled. That's that, then.

  Roz : [realizes]  Oh, you were just being polite, you didn't really mean for me to take you up on it.

  Frasier : [covering]  No, no, no, no. I wouldn't have suggested it if it wasn't something I wanted to do. You should know that.

  Roz : All right.

  Waitress : [brings coffee and bill]  Here you go. There's your check.

  Roz : I'll get that.

  Frasier : No, no, no, let me get that.

  Roz : Okay.

  Frasier : [She hands it to him]  Well then, lucky me - I'm getting everything I want today.