Frasier (TV Series)

Roz and the Schnoz (1998)

John Mahoney: Martin Crane

Quotes 

• [Martin comes back early from a trip to San Francisco with his old Army buddy] 

  Frasier : Dad! What are you doing here?

  Martin : Aw, Frisco was a bust! All our watering holes are gone, the steakhouse was a sushi bar, and this morning, Duke and I went out for a walk. We passed City Hall, and there's this big crowd, kind of like a pep rally or something. So, we joined them. Well, some official guy up front says something that we didn't hear, and the next thing you know, everybody's throwing rice, and all the men are kissing each other, and all the women are kissing each other, and I'm not sure but I think Duke and I may be married.

• Frasier : Quiche Lorraine, anyone?

  Steve Garrett : Quiche her? I hardly know her!

  Paula Garrett : Oh, Steve!

  Steve Garrett : [Puts nose over it]  Boy, that smells wonderful.

  Paula Garrett : [With nose over it]  Does it ever.

  [Frasier holds in his laughter] 

  Paula Garrett : Do you mind if I ask? Is this homemade or store-bought?

  Steve Garrett : Honey, don't ask that! Pardon my wife, sometimes she gets a little nosy.

  [Frasier tries his utmost not to laugh] 

  Paula Garrett : Me nosy? You're the nosy one in the family.

  Steve Garrett : Anyone who knows you knows you're nosy!

  Paula Garrett : Anyone who knows you knows you're nosier!

  Martin : [Frasier walks back to the kitchen]  Something wrong, Fras?

  Frasier : [Frasier bursts with hysterical - and clearly audible - laughter]  "Quiche her? I hardly know her!"

  [everyone laughs] 

  Frasier : I just got that!

• Steve Garrett : [smells quiche]  Mmm, what's that I smell?

  Martin : Probably Japan.

  [everyone collapses with laughter] 

• Martin : [Continuing his story as Roz and the Garretts come back inside]  Well, the whole weekend was like that! Just one surprising event-

  [Martin turns around and screams at the sight of the Garretts' large noses. Niles and Daphne once again have to suppress their giggles as Roz looks on nervously] 

  Steve Garrett : I-I'm sorry, did we startle you?

  Martin : [regaining his composure]  Oh, no, no, I-I didn't know we had company.

  Frasier : Dad, Dad, this is Steve and Paula Garrett. They're Rick's parents, you remember Rick?

  Martin : [shaking hands]  Oh sure, yeah! Hi, how are ya? Nice to meet you, Marty Crane.

  Roz : [after an awkward silence]  Oh, they're just on their way to Paris to visit Rick.

  Martin : Oh, yeah? That sounds like fun.

  Paula Garrett : Yeah, I'm just a little nervous. I hear the Parisians can be kinda snooty.

  [This time, Martin turns away as he tries to fight his own fit of hysteria with Niles and Daphne] 

  Daphne : [Fighting to keep her composure]  Excuse me, I've got something in the oven.

  Dr. Niles Crane : Let me help you.

  Martin : Yeah, uh, me too!

  [as they make their way into the kitchen, Niles, Daphne and Martin collapse with stifled, hysterical laughter] 

• Martin : What's this? Earrings?

  Frasier : Oh, just a little something I picked up for Daphne at the drug store. She ran some errands for me last week.

  Martin : Nice. What are they, sapphires?

  Frasier : Yes dad, I always buy precious stones at the same counter I pick up corn pads and Wart Be-Gone!

• Roz : So, you're off to San Francisco.

  Martin : Yeah, yeah. Duke and I took our shore leave there in '52. We're going back to retrace our steps.

  Roz : That sounds like fun!

  Martin : Yeah, yeah. We had a great time that weekend. Back then there was no place like Frisco for a single guy cruising the streets looking for a good time.

  Frasier : You know dad, I think you'll find that Frisco hasn't changed all that much.