Frasier (TV Series)

Radio Wars (1999)

David Hyde Pierce: Dr. Niles Crane

Quotes 

• Niles : Why didn't you hold the elevator? Didn't you hear me shouting?

  Frasier : That was you? Oh, I'm sorry, Niles. I was afraid you were trying to get a picture of my butt.

  Niles : How exciting to be present at the birth of a new phobia.

• Niles : I see your "Bartlett's" is out. You're not pulling any punches!

  Frasier : Hardly. I go in swinging with La Rochéfoucauld: "If we had no faults of our own, we would not take so much pleasure in noticing those of others."

  Niles : [boxing-match style]  Ouch!

  Frasier : And when I've knocked them reeling, I go in with a jab of Dorothy Parker: "Wit has truth in it, wise-cracking is merely calisthenics with words."

  Niles : Pow!

  Frasier : And when they're bloody and against the ropes, I go in with the kill -

  [shadow-boxing] 

  Frasier : Twain, Wilde, Twain, Twain, Mencken!

  Niles : [Simulates getting pummeled]  It's not a fight, it's an execution!

• Daphne Moon : Dr. Crane, how do you know it's time to have your crepe pans re-seasoned, anyway?

  Niles : It can be confusing. But this may help: "Saucepans in summer, crepe pans in fall, when winter's upon us, there's food for us all."

• Martin : People think you're stuffy. You know, with your opera parties, and your wine parties and your seasoned crepe pans.

  Frasier : In my defense, Niles is the only one who has ever seasoned his crepe pans.

  Niles : Which is precisely why I've had the same set since the ninth grade, thank you very much.

• Martin : My point is, you guys could never resist putting on airs. Even when you were in junior high, you used to love that TV program, The Avengers . You used to run all over the neighborhood pretending you were that guy with the umbrella... Steve.

  Frasier : Steed!

  Niles : Dad!

  Frasier : There were worse role models. Steed was dapper and witty. When anybody tried to give him grief, he gave them a sound thrashing with his umbrella.

  Martin : Well, that's great, admire him if you want. But did you have to run through the neighborhood in bowler hats? You were just begging to get beat up.

  Frasier : Come to think of it, it was rather a rough summer that year, wasn't it?

  Niles : I remember getting a chin strap, so the bowler wouldn't fall off when I ran.

  Martin : And all that did was make you look like Elizabeth Taylor in National Velvet.

• Martin : [on phone with Duke]  No kidding. He's flying you to Las Vegas for the fight?

  [turns so Frasier can hear] 

  Martin : That's a great son you've got there, Duke.

  Daphne Moon : [opens door for Niles]  Good morning, Dr. Crane.

  Niles : Hello, Daphne, Dad. Frasier, I thought you might like to join me. I'm going down to Abigail's to have my crepe pans re-seasoned.

  [Martin quickly turns away the phone so Duke doesn't hear] 

  Frasier : Gosh, I'd love to, Niles, but I've just drawn myself a nice herbal bath.

  [Martin turns the other way] 

  Martin : [laughs]  No, no, it's just Daphne, she's watching PBS.

• Daphne Moon : You know, it's funny hearing you talk about "The Avengers." My first Halloween in America, I went to a party dressed as Mrs. Peel. Head-to-toe in that skintight black leather catsuit. Come to think of it, I still have it somewhere, and Halloween's coming up.

  Martin : Catsuit, huh?

  [nods towards Eddie] 

  Martin : Better not let this guy hear you talking about that, he'll go nuts.

  Niles : [indignant]  I would not!

  [sees Eddie] 

  Niles : ...be surprised if he did!

  [pets Eddie] 

  Niles : Ho-ho-ho...