Frasier (TV Series)

Mixed Doubles (1996)

John Mahoney: Martin Crane

Quotes 

• Martin : [answering phone as Niles and Rodney mirror each other]  Hello? Oh, I can't talk right now, Duke. I'm in the Twilight Zone!

  [hangs up] 

• Martin : What are the Sonics thinking last night? If you're two for fifteen from behind the arc, why do you still give it to your two-guard instead of jamming it down to your big man in the paint?

  [pause] 

  Frasier : Eddie, I believe that question was directed at you.

  Martin : [rolls his eyes]  You know, if you took an interest in sports, I bet you'd end up enjoying it. It's got drama, it's got graceful stuff...

  Frasier : Thank you, Dad, but frankly I'm quite satisfied with the likes of Pavorotti's "Pagliacci." You have your big man in the paint, I have mine.

• [Niles and Adelle drop by to pick up their opera tickets] 

  Frasier : Say, have you got time for a coffee before you go?

  Adelle Childs : That'd be nice.

  Frasier : Splendid! It'll give me a chance to debut my Limoges coffee set. Each cup bears a portrait of a different wife of Henry VIII. My antiques scout just found an Anne of Cleves to complete the set!

  Martin : He loves to rub it in. I'm still looking for a Wilma to complete my juice glass set.

• Martin , Frasier : [They both go into the kitchen, shocked at how much Niles and Rodney mirror each other]  What the hell was that?

• Frasier : [answering the phone]  Hello? Oh, just a second, please. Dad, is Daphne in her room?

  Martin : Gee, I don't know.

  [yelling] 

  Martin : DAPHNE! HEY, DAPH! DAPHNE!

  Frasier : For God's sake, I can yell!

  [into phone] 

  Frasier : Would you hold, please?

  Martin : I've been waiting thirty years to do that.

• Frasier : [Frasier is looking through the telescope. Niles fidgets beside him. Martin is reading the paper in his Armchair]  Oh my God... breathtaking.

  Niles : Well, don't be greedy! Your turn was over forty seconds ago!

  Frasier : All right, all right, Niles, all right.

  [steps away] 

  Frasier : It's the penthouse unit, fourth from the left.

  Niles : [looking]  Oh, mama!

  Martin : You two know that what you're doing isn't right, don't you?

  Frasier : We're simply admiring a very rare Brancusi armchair, not a naked woman.

  Martin : That's what I'm talking about.

• Martin : So, uh... what do you think of Rodney?

  Niles : Well, so far I'm not impressed. Bit of a pretentious fop, wouldn't you say?

• Martin Crane : [Frasier and Eddie are seated opposite each other at the dinner table, having a stare-down contest. Martin enters]  You're wasting your time.

  Dr. Frasier Crane : No, I'm not.

  Martin Crane : You're not gonna win.

  Dr. Frasier Crane : It's time he learned what it's like to be stared at all the time. Bring it on, Buster, you got nothing. You can't touch me, I'm - Gaah!

  [breaks away, clutching his eyes] 

  Dr. Frasier Crane : It's like his eyes turned into sorcerer's pinwheels and started spinning!