Frasier (TV Series)

Love Bites Dog (1996)

Kelsey Grammer: Dr. Frasier Crane

Quotes 

• Bulldog : [Frasier is trying to snap Bulldog out of it]  Doc, Doc, you're hurting my head here. Can you stop being a shrink and just be like a guy?

  Frasier : [to himself]  Like a guy. Like a guy.

  [pauses] 

  Frasier : SCREW HER!

  Bulldog : What?

  Frasier : [angrily]  Yeah, you don't need her. She's trash!

  Bulldog : Yeah, that's right.

  Frasier : You're better off without her; We both are!

  Bulldog : I like the sound of this.

  Frasier : Yeah, so do I! Unattractive, yet liberating, rather like the one and only time I wore a European bathing suit.

  [realizing he's going off-track] 

  Frasier : I'm sorry. SHE'S A BITCH!

  Bulldog : Hey, she wasn't even that hot!

  Frasier : You're right. All she did was save you the trouble of having to dump her!

  Bulldog : [cheering up]  I never thought about that.

  Frasier : There you go!

  Bulldog : I'm feeling a little better, Doc!

  Frasier : That's right!

  Bulldog : Thanks. It's great talking to you!

  [holds out his hand] 

  Frasier : [shaking his hand]  Likewise. You know, I could talk like this for another thirty seconds.

  Frasier : [walking back in the booth with Bulldog]  She was nothing! She was less than nothing! Tomorrow you're gonna find someone even hotter and you know what you're gonna do?

  Bulldog : What?

  Frasier : You're gonna have your fun with her and then you're gonna dump her just for the hell of it!

  Bulldog : Yeah, dump her!

  Frasier : And you know what? You're not gonna feel bad about it at all. You know why? Because we're GUYS and THAT'S WHAT GUYS DO!

  [walks out of booth] 

  Niles : [in corridor]  Distressing news, Frasier. Francois gave away our table.

  Frasier : SCREW HIM!

  Niles : [shocked]  Excuse me?

  Frasier : You heard what I said! We don't need him or his stinky little restaurant! There are plenty of restaurants in town. I say we go somewhere we don't even need a reservation!

  [Niles slaps him, snapping him out of his Bulldog mode] 

  Frasier : Thank you.

• Niles : I had an abysmal day. Remember the ad I placed?

  Frasier : Oh yes, "Niles Crane, Jung specialist" blah blah blah.

  Niles : Well, they made a tiny little typo. See if you can find it.

  Frasier : [reads ad]  "Niles Crane... Hung specialist." Oh, my!

  Niles : The rest they got perfectly. "Servicing individuals, couples... groups... Satisfaction guaranteed... Tell me where it hurts."

  Frasier : Yes, well... any calls?

  Niles : It's a telethon, Frasier.

• Frasier : Bulldog, is there nothing I can say to appeal to your sense of decency?

  Bulldog : Hey, I have no sense of decency. That way, my other senses are enhanced.

• Frasier : You know, Niles, what say I buy us dinner and a lot of martinis?

  Niles : Sounds great, except for the dinner part.

• Frasier : Okay sports enthusiasts. This is Dr. Frasier Crane filling in for Bob "Bulldog" Briscoe.

  [bangs a cymbal] 

  Frasier : You're on the air.

  Mike : This is Mike. I wanted to talk to Bulldog but you'll do. So what's your take on the damn Yankees this season?

  Frasier : Are you speaking of the frothy musical adaptation, or the baseball team of which I know nothing?

  Mike : What a weenie!

  [hangs up] 

  Frasier : Doesn't that take me back?

• Daphne Moon : Well, look at you all dressed up.

  Frasier : Yes, it's a new suit. Yes, I'm meeting a woman. And yes, it has been a while.

  Daphne Moon : Thanks, that reminds me. I have to order my cards.

• Roz : She plays chess, she loves your show, and I know this sort of thing doesn't matter to people like you, but I've seen her in the shower at the gym and...

  Frasier : Oh please.

  [walks out] 

  Roz : she has a body that makes Bo Derek look like Bo Diddley.

  Frasier : [pokes his head back in]  A chess player, did you say?

• [Roz is trying to set Frasier up] 

  Roz : When was the last time you were with a woman? Seems like almost a year.

  Frasier : Oh, it has not been that long. I mean, that is a laugh! Hah! The last time was... er... well, let's see... Well, the tree was still up... Oh, God!

• Roz : Her name is Sharon. She's five-seven...

  Frasier : Oh Roz, I'm not interested.

  Roz : But she's an incredible person. She's smart, she's funny, she's a former pro-golfer. She just hasn't met the right guy.

  Frasier : A woman golfer. Are we quite certain there is a right guy?

  Roz : She dates men.

  Frasier : Not this one.

• Martin Crane : New suit, huh? Who's the lucky girl?

  Frasier : Well, if you must know I'm meeting a friend of Roz's today after work, but it's no big deal.

  Martin Crane : Well, congratulations. What's it been? A year?

  Frasier : It has not been that long!

  Martin Crane : I remember the tree was still up.

• Frasier : The whole thing catapulted me back to high school. You know me as an adult, but back then I was rather an un-athletic, bookish sort.

  Roz : [sarcastically]  Get out!

  Frasier : Jocks were the bane of my existence. They would always call me a "weenie" and steal all the girls that I wanted.

• Frasier : I'd head home to Niles and we'd put on "The Brandenburg Concertos" and play air violin.

• Frasier : [Frasier is filling in on Bulldog's show]  You see, while I'm on the air, please feel free to call up about anything other than sports. Please.

  [takes a call] 

  Frasier : Hello, you're on the air.

  Jake : [v.o]  Yeah. You think it was a good idea for the Sonics to give up those draft choices so they could free up some money under the cap, you know, to go after a wide body to help them in the paint?

  Frasier : [staring straight ahead, completely and utterly lost]  Yes!

  [takes another call] 

  Frasier : You're on the air.

• Frasier : [looking at the microwave that is filling with smoke due to Daphne putting Martin's shoes in there to dry up]  Daphne, are you finished here with the microwave?

  Daphne Moon : [freaked out]  Oh no!

  [she goes tot he microwave and takes out Martin's shoes, which have been burnt to a crisp and she blows on them. Martin comes in and looks utterly shocked] 

  Martin Crane : My muckabees!

  Daphne Moon : Well, I'm sorry! I didn't mean to leave them in there so long!

  Frasier : Yes, well, English cooking strikes again.

  [He leaves the kitchen] 

• Frasier : [to Niles]  You know, if we hasten, perhaps we can catch the first seating at Cigar Volante.

• Bulldog : [to Sharon]  Whoa! Hello, gorgeous.

  Frasier : Hello, Bulldog.

  Bulldog : Not you. Hey, aren't you gonna introduce me?

  Frasier : Well, actually I wasn't, no!

  Bulldog : [introducing himself]  Bob Briscoe.

  Sharon : [shaking hands]  Sharon Payton.

  Frasier : Yes, good to see you, Bulldog.

  [trying to push him away] 

  Frasier : Don't be a stranger.

  Bulldog : Hey, wait a minute, wait a minute. Sharon Payton--I know you. LPGA. You won the Denver Open in 1992.

  Frasier : 1992? You know, that's a fabulous year for a particular Chambertin I took a shine too...

  Sharon : I know you, too. You're that guy that says golf is not a sport.

  Bulldog : Well, it's not.

  Sharon : Really?

  Bulldog : Yeah. No cheerleaders, no blood and the only cups involved are in the ground!

  Frasier : You know, this reminds me of a debate I had with my brother Niles about whether or not Steven Sondheim is really light opera...

• Niles : Obviously the time has come for me to expand my practice, so I'm placing an ad in the Seattle "Style" magazine.

  Frasier : An advertisement? Isn't that a bit commercial for a psychiatrist?

  Niles : Said Dr. Pot to Dr. Kettle.

• Roz : Oh my God. It's in love!

  Bulldog : Last night for the first time in my life I actually said those three little words: "stay for breakfast."

  Frasier : You had sex with Sharon?

  Bulldog : Doc, please! We "made love." You know what? I gotta call her.

  [picks up the phone] 

  Bulldog : No, wait. No, I gotta play hard to get.

  [slams phone down] 

  Bulldog : But I miss the sound of her voice. I'm calling her.

  [picks up phone] 

  Bulldog : No, wait. It's too needy. Chicks hate that.

  [puts phone down] 

  Bulldog : I shouldn't call her. But I want to!

  [picks up phone before putting it down again] 

  Bulldog : Doc, what should I do?

  Frasier : [bewildered]  Don't ask me, I don't even know who you are!

• Roz : Hey Frasier, do you have a minute?

  Frasier : Yes, of course, Roz. What is it?

  Roz : Well, you're not going to like this idea. You're going to complain and make up excuses and then say no anyway.

  Frasier : Those are the very words I would use to woo my dear Lilith.

• Dr. Frasier Crane : Bulldog! Roz set this up that I might meet Sharon. Until you got here things were going in a very positive direction.

  Bulldog Briscoe : Yeah, well, things seem to have changed, haven't they? What do you eggheads call that? Irony?

• Roz : Okay, here goes. I have this friend and I think you two would really hit it off.

  Frasier : And you were wondering if I might meet her for a drink, which might lead to dinner, and then after that who knows where?

  Roz : Yes, exactly.

  Frasier : [suddenly gets concerned]  Ooh, oh Roz. Do you hear that?

  Roz : What?

  Frasier : If you listen very carefully, you can actually hear my skin crawling!

• Frasier : Well, I think you should be happy that one of your patients feels healthy enough to terminate his therapy.

  Niles : I would, but it's happened so often lately I find myself in financial straits. Deep financial straits. Look at this belt:

  [opens up his jacket before whispering] 

  Niles : Spanish leather!

  Frasier : Yes, well if Mr. Blackwell comes in I'll create a diversion, you can make a dash for it.