- [Niles looks around his prospective apartment, which still has the previous tenant's clothes and things in it]
- Dr. Niles Crane: This Gary seems to have left in an awful hurry. Did he leave no forwarding address?
- Frank: [uncomfortable] Uh, he left a note, but... nooooo. No address.
- Dr. Frasier Crane: Niles, we can't leave without seeing the apartment. Frank was kind enough to put on pants to bring us up here.
- Dr. Niles Crane: Get me out of this hellhole!
- Martin Crane: What did I say?
- Dr. Niles Crane: I can't live this charade! I have tried, it's taking too much out of me!
- Martin Crane: Now, Niles, this place is fine. Just remember the old saying: what doesn't kill you makes you stronger.
- Dr. Niles Crane: But, Dad, not everyone makes it into that second group!
- Dr. Niles Crane: All right, that's it, enough is enough!
- Dr. Frasier Crane: Niles, who are you calling?
- Dr. Niles Crane: I am calling Maris! I'm going to beg her to take me back!
- Dr. Frasier Crane: You don't want to do that!
- Dr. Niles Crane: Oh, yes, I do! Life with Maris wasn't so bad! It was my fault, after all! I was too rigid! I was always making demands!
- Dr. Frasier Crane: Niles...
- Dr. Niles Crane: "Eat something! Unlock this door! Don't throw that!"
- [Martin is lost wandering around Niles's apartment]
- Martin Crane: Niles, there's no door here, just a third bookshelf.
- Dr. Niles Crane: Oh, it's all right. The bookshelf is actually a secret passage.
- Martin Crane: How do I get through?
- Dr. Niles Crane: Just poke Mrs. Dalloway on the bottom.
- Martin Crane: What?
- Dr. Frasier Crane: I gather your financial situation's gotten a bit shaky.
- Dr. Niles Crane: Oh yes, ever since I rejected Maris's attempts to woo me back, she's been quite vindictive. She's frozen all the accounts! Sherry?
- Dr. Frasier Crane: Thank you.
- Dr. Niles Crane: My salary isn't even covering my legal bills.
- Dr. Frasier Crane: Well, what do you lawyers tell you?
- Dr. Niles Crane: Well, mostly that my salary isn't even covering my legal bills.
- Daphne Moon: You know, it's funny how much Eddie misses that bird of Dr. Crane's. This morning, a pigeon landed on the terrace. Eddie jumped up excited, ran over and started barking at it!
- Dr. Frasier Crane: Oh yes, he does that all the time.
- Daphne Moon: No, no, this was a different sort of bark, like...
- [excited]
- Daphne Moon: "You're not my bird! Don't fly over here and get my hopes up like that! You're not my bird!" It was silly and sad at the same time, you know?
- Dr. Frasier Crane: [deadpan] Firsthand.
- Dr. Niles Crane: I don't want to adapt! I want to go home!
- Dr. Frasier Crane: Niles... you are home.
- Dr. Niles Crane: Well, where are my manners? Can I get you some toast?
- Dr. Frasier Crane: [Niles hangs up on Maris] Well, good for you, Niles.
- Dr. Niles Crane: Oh, the second I heard her voice I knew I couldn't go back.
- [looks at the room]
- Dr. Niles Crane: But how am I ever going to live here?
- Martin Crane: Now, it's just temporary, Niles. She can't drag this divorce out forever.
- Dr. Frasier Crane: You know, Niles, perhaps this place is the price you'll have to pay for your freedom.
- Dr. Niles Crane: [pauses] Well, it's worth that.
- Dr. Niles Crane: I'll never find anything tolerable in my price range. It's barely tolerable HAVING a price range.
- Dr. Frasier Crane: All right Niles, well today I'm going with you. It may be the only way you'll find a place.
- Dr. Niles Crane: Oh, you make it sound as if I plan to stay with you forever!
- Dr. Frasier Crane: Well, I did notice you put a bottle of '93 Pichon Baron on the grocery list last night.
- Dr. Niles Crane: So?
- Dr. Frasier Crane: That wine's not even drinkable for two years!