Photos
Quotes
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[Niles refuses to sub for Frasier during his vacation]
Frasier : Very well. You leave me no alternative but to call in my marker.
Niles : [nervous] What marker?
Frasier : Oh, I think you know.
Niles : You wouldn't.
Frasier : I would.
Niles : You can't!
Frasier : I will.
Niles : That was three years ago.
Frasier : I don't recall there being any statute of limitations. I distinctly recall that when you asked me to go out with Maris's sister, you said that you would "owe me one forever."
Niles : But you only spent one evening with Brie. That hardly compares with what you're asking me to endure.
Frasier : Oh? Shall I refresh your memory? Midway through the opera her ermine muff began to tremble. As it turned out she had used it to smuggle in her adorably incontinent Chihuahua. Just as I thought we'd reached the low point of the evening I suddenly felt a sandpaper tongue licking my earlobe. Alas it did not belong to little Hervé! Fortunately my shriek coincided with the on-stage murder of Gondolfo! Roz will expect you on Monday at two.
Niles : For your information, Brie had a very tough row to hoe growing up. It's not easy going through life with one nostril.
Frasier : Did I mention she had a cold that night?
Niles : ...Monday at two it is.
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[Niles, Martin, and Daphne go to a basketball game]
Martin : Wow. Right on the hardwood, five feet from the baseline.
[Niles chuckles, then turns to Daphne]
Daphne : It's like front row orchestra, stage right.
Martin : Man, we're so close we're gonna get our teeth rattled when they center-pick.
[Niles turns to Daphne]
Daphne : It's like sitting close enough to get hit by Placido Domingo's spit.
[the buzzer goes]
Niles : What the hell was that?
Martin : That's the end of the shooter round. The coach is about to send the starting five in for the tip-off.
[Niles turns to Daphne]
Daphne : The stage manager just called places.
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Frasier : Listen, Niles, I'd like you to do my show for me, for the week I'm gone.
Niles : Me standing in for you? I'm sorry, Frasier. I couldn't presume to fill those big floppy red shoes of yours.
Frasier : Please, please, Niles! Look, I'm begging you! You know, the station wants to replace me with Helen Grogan, better known as Ma Nature. She does a gardening show, and I'm just a little worried that a week of discussing well-rotted manure will weaken my listener base.
Niles : It hasn't yet.
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[Reggie offers Niles a high-five]
Niles : Oh, wait, I saw this. It has steps!
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[Niles' hair has secretly become a 'lucky rabbit's foot' to a pro basketball player]
Reggie McLemore : Man, where have you been? I've got to be on the court in five minutes!
[he reaches to rub Niles' head]
Niles : [Niles quickly halts Reggie's hand a moment before Reggie's security guard can see what just happened] Stop! Before you rub your hands all over me, we need to talk.
Reggie McLemore : [the guard gives them both an askance glance] What's up?
Niles : Well, I'll come right to the point. This entire affair has grown out of control. I-I need to end it.
Reggie McLemore : [Pfft] What are you saying? You're not coming down here any more?
Niles : Well... no. We can still see each other - to talk, but no *touching*.
[the guard now furrows his brow]
Niles : That part of our relationship is *over*.
[the guard is now actively glaring at them]
Niles : [to the guard] Does this concern you?
Guard : It's starting to.
[guard walks away]
Reggie McLemore : Aw, come on, Dude.
[Reggie reaches again for Niles' head]
Niles : [Niles quickly halts Reggie's hand mid-air] No! Now listen... Do you really expect me to drop what I'm doing and race down here every day just so you can run your fingers over my head?
Reggie McLemore : [wondering what's the problem] Y-Yeah.
Niles : [Niles briefly gathers his thoughts] Listen to me closely. You are a gifted athlete with tremendous skill. Marshal your talents. Concentrate. Focus. The key to your success is to trust your own God-given ability. It has nothing to do with my head!
Reggie McLemore : [after a long thought] It must be your hair.
Niles : Will you *stop* it? You're obsessing!
[just then the guard re-enters]
Reggie McLemore : [Reggie reaches for Niles] Come on, man. Just let me touch it!
[the guard silently turns and walks away again]
Niles : [Niles realizes what's happened, then refocuses] No!
[Reggie sighs]
Niles : You have to look at this logically. I can't come down here for every game, and I certainly can't go with you when the team is on tour. This is not a long-term solution. What you need is legitimate therapy. If you want to start, come inside. I'll give you a quick session. We can proceed from there.
Reggie McLemore : [ponders] Yeah. You're right, Doc. I mean, what I need is a long-term solution.
Niles : Good!
[Niles quickly walks off for their session]
Reggie McLemore : [Reggie spots a pair of scissors, picks them up and hides them behind his back as he follows after Niles] Coming, Doc.
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Niles : [to Reggie] Think of something comforting from childhood: a stuffed animal, a dog-eared copy of Middlemarch.
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[Niles's counseling has turned around a basketball player's game, making him the toast of Seattle]
Niles : I must admit I find this all a bit mystifying. Do people really care this much about a basketball game?
Roz : Are you kidding? This is Seattle. It rains nine months out of the year. We take our indoor sports very seriously.
Niles : Well, I know you always have!
Roz : [forcing a smile] You're a hero today so I'm going to let that one go.
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[Niles's counseling has turned around a basketball player's game, making him the toast of Seattle]
Niles : Suddenly I'm being revered as a god by the same troglodytes who, in junior high school, tried to pack me into my own briefcase. It's glorious.
