Frasier (TV Series)

Father of the Bride (1999)

Kelsey Grammer: Dr. Frasier Crane

Quotes 

• [Frasier breaks the news to Niles about his new girlfriend] 

  Frasier : She's a prostitute.

  Niles : Frasier, I don't like lawyers anymore than you do, but frankly a man whose face is plastered on every bus in town should be careful what terms he bandies about.

  Frasier : Niles, "Executive Match" is an escort service! One of Donny's clients was caught using them.

  Niles : I don't believe you.

  Frasier : Niles, does Sabrina laugh at everything you say, is she fascinated by everything about you, even your collections?

  Niles : Well, yes. Actually, I even showed her my rarely-seen collection of eighteenth-century Portuguese bud vases.

  Frasier : And how did she react?

  Niles : Well, if you must know, she was rather aroused. She said she loved a man who collected porcelain and... Oh my God, I'm dating a whore!

• Niles : I am taking it slow with Sabrina.

  Frasier : You mean you haven't...?

  Niles : ...haven't?

  Frasier : Haven't...?

  Niles : Oh, please! Are you mad, you don't proposition a woman like that on the first date. Last night, I dropped her home after dinner with nothing more than a courtly kiss on the wrist. Tonight MAY proceed to hand holding. If all goes well, in two weeks I shall storm the citadel of her womanhood.

• Niles : Frasier, do you remember the time the Kreizel brothers tied me to their Great Dane and lobbed meatballs down their gravel driveway?

  Frasier : I told you, Niles, I would have helped you, but their sister was holding me down.

• Frasier : [about Donny]  He's nothing but a hopeless romantic.

  [He opens the door to Donny, who is on his cell phone] 

  Donny Douglas : Any idiot knows you've got to pay a hooker in cash! I'm at a meeting, I'll call you later, bye.

  [hangs up] 

  Donny Douglas : I've got this client, he's in the middle of a divorce, right? And his wife finds all these charges from this place called "Executive Match." It turns out to be a call girl service. When she gets through with him she'll have his house, his car, she'd have his beach house too if I hadn't already taken it. Women!

• Daphne : Now, as far as the reception goes, I've narrowed it down to two places. I'm leaning towards "Captain Jonah's." The view of the water's lovely, but you have to walk through a whale's mouth to get inside.

  Frasier : I hesitate to ask how you exit.

• Frasier : You know, it suddenly occurred to me when I was talking to Daphne that I never really got the wedding of my dreams either. Oh sure, you know, my first one was a little clandestine affair, we dashed off to city hall. I could hardly imagine a wedding more lacking in ceremony, 'till my second wedding, which was lacking a bride. Then came Lilith. If I knew then what I know now, I would have walked down the aisle with the ice sculpture and had her stand by the buffet table to keep the shrimp cold.

• Frasier : Hiya, Dad.

  Martin Crane : Oh, Fras. You'll love this stuff I got from the farmer's market. This guy takes the juiciest cut of filet mignon, slices it real thin and makes jerky out of it.

  Frasier : Look Dad, I don't...

  [Martin throws it into his mouth, you can tell he is disgusted] 

  Frasier : Yes, if only I had a nice powdered Cabernet to go with it. Listen, have you given any thought to Daphne's wedding present?

  Martin Crane : Oh, well, how about a nice piece of luggage? You know, a good hard suitcase, like the kind people used to put stickers on to show everybody where they've been. Remember your grandad's? His whole life was on it: Topeka, Sioux Falls, Biloxi... it was like a map of the world.

  Frasier : What a loss to us all that he failed to write his memoirs.

• Frasier : Daphne, just don't let you mother guilt you into having the wedding she wants instead of the wedding you want.

  Daphne : Oh, don't worry, Mum already promised me I could have the wedding I want, as soon as I have a daughter who gets engaged.

• Frasier : Just picture it, Daphne. Aren't they something? As you and Donny exit the church one dozen white birds of peace will be released and circle above. Of course, we'll use fourteen in actuality; the power lines always take out a few.

• Niles : [Niles describes the date he was on]  She was...

  [takes a cat hair from his jacket and puts it on the floor] 

  Niles : ... a cat person. She brought her cat on our date. Well, she had good reason, it was Mr. Waggles's birthday. Actually his birthday party. Actually, his surprise birthday party.

  Frasier : I'm sorry, where on earth did you meet this woman?

  Niles : At Nordstroms. We both reached for the same cashmere throw and she said she needed something to keep her Waggles warm. I thought it was a coy euphemism.

• Frasier : Aren't you taking this a bit too far just trying to avoid an unflattering dress?

  Roz Doyle : Yeah, I thought you'd say that. That's why I've been carrying around this picture of the last time I was a bridesmaid.

  Frasier : Good Lord, Roz, you look like you've been tented for termites.

  Roz Doyle : Exactly!