Frasier (TV Series)

Dark Victory (1995)

David Hyde Pierce: Dr. Niles Crane

Quotes 

• [during a blackout] 

  Frasier : Now we can all sit here in the dark and be miserable or we can try to have some fun.

  Niles : I'm going to call Maris.

  Frasier : Well, Niles has voted. Who votes for fun?

• Niles : You unprincipled charlatan! You unconscionable fraud! If this were another era, I'd horsewhip you!

  Frasier : Niles, what are you talking about?

  Niles : You spoke to a patient of mine today, Caroline. As a result of your fast-food approach to psychiatry, she left me!

  Frasier : Caroline was your patient?

  Niles : Two years of my hard work wiped out by one of your two-minute McSessions.

• [after exiting the apartment during a blackout, Niles bursts back in, gasping for breath] 

  Niles : Nineteen floors down to my car! Garage door's electric! Can't open! Twenty floors back up! Lost count! Bad lady upstairs! Big dog! Need place to die!

• [playing a game called "I'm the Dullest Person"] 

  Frasier : If I was going to go I would say, "I am the dullest person because I have never been on a rollercoaster." All right? And then all of you that have been on a rollercoaster would give me a penny. Now we all have our pennies. Who would like to go first? Daphne?

  Daphne : I can't think of anything.

  Frasier : Of course you can. Just say the first thing that comes into your mind. I'm the dullest person because...

  Daphne : Oh, I don't know. Because I've never made love in a lift or a phone booth or on an aeroplane or a merry-go-round.

  Frasier : Okay, that's good, but strategically speaking that's not the best way to get our pennies. You see, it should be something that someone else might have actually...

  [Roz throws in a penny] 

  Frasier : ...done.

  [Roz throws in three more pennies while everyone else stares at her] 

  Roz : I was in college, I was trying to find myself!

  Niles : All you needed to do was look under the nearest man.

• Roz : The blackout hit just as the elevator doors opened on the fourteenth floor. So I stood in the hallway trying to decide whether to come back in here with you guys or take my chances on the pitch-black streets with the muggers and the weirdos. So I went down a couple of flights, and then I changed my mind. Meanwhile someone's probably looting my apartment!

  Niles : Yes, I hear there's a thriving black market in badly-designed Formica coffee tables.

  Roz : At least I have my own sense of style. You won't even buy a chair unless some fey French aristocrat has sat his fat satin fanny in it!

  Niles : Louis the Fourteenth was not fey! Everyone wore garters in the eighteenth century!

• Niles : Well, this blackout could go on all night. It's time I braved the dark streets and got back to my Maris. I just hope it isn't like the lightning storm last month. The only way I could coax her out from under the bed was by tying a Prozac to the end of a string!

• Martin : I certainly don't want to keep anybody here a second longer than they have to be, so let's get this over with. Thanks for a great party!

  [He leans over the table, blows out the candles on his cake - and all the lights go out] 

  Niles : Well, there's nothing wrong with Dad's lungs.

• Frasier : You know you're not really mad at me, Niles. You know I didn't tell that woman to leave you. I merely suggested it as an option. It was all her choice. Could it be that you're really upset just because you couldn't help that woman?

  Niles : You know, I really hate that. When you take a simple criticism and you turn it back on me.

  Frasier : I think I'm right.

  Niles : Well, of course you're right. Why do you think I hate it?

• Frasier : Oh, Niles. You're being silly and irrational.

  Niles : Sticks and stones.

  Frasier : You're acting just like Dad.

  Niles : [furious]  You take that back!