Frasier (TV Series)

Daphne Returns (2001)

David Hyde Pierce: Dr. Niles Crane

Quotes 

• [Niles has finally made love to Daphne] 

  Niles : You know the best part, Frasier? It wasn't at all like I had imagined.

• Niles : Help me understand. Why is everyone acting like I've done something wrong? The only thing I am guilty of is loving Daphne, and that's all I've ever done.

  Dr. Frasier Crane : Yes, and how did you love her? From afar. You were never in love *with* her, you were in love *at* her. Now, you've been given a chance to experience her in a real relationship and yet for some reason, you're resisting it. Rather than see her as she really is, you keep holding on to the memory.

  Niles : No, that's not true.

  Dr. Frasier Crane : Niles, the woman gained sixty pounds! And everyone in the world saw it but you. All you ever saw was a perfect woman in a red dress.

  [long pause] 

  Niles : Okay. If you're right, and that's a big "if", why would I do that?

  Dr. Frasier Crane : Maybe Daphne's not the only one who's afraid she won't measure up. Maybe you're afraid too. After all, if it turns out she's not perfect, then there's a chance things won't work out. Then not only will you lose Daphne, but you'll have wasted the last seven years of your life chasing an illusion.

• Niles : I can't read minds you know, and by the way, neither can you.

  Daphne : Are you saying you don't think I'm psychic?

  Niles : Not if you thought I loved your cooking.

• Niles : You think I'm pretentious?

  Daphne : You'd eat a worm if I gave it a French name.

• Niles : [revisiting Nile's memory of dancing the Tango with Daphne]  I come here often.

  Dr. Frasier Crane : I suspect a part of you has never left.

• Niles : Daphne? I want to apologize for the other night. I was rude, and disrespectful, and I'm sorry I hurt you.

  Daphne : Apology accepted. Oh, come here.

  [they hug] 

  Niles : Thank you.

  Daphne : You know, I was just about to make myself some dinner. Would you like to join me?

  Niles : I would love that.

  [Daphne heads for the kitchen] 

  Niles : Actually, wait, Daphne? I'm going to pass on dinner.

  Daphne : Oh, it's no trouble.

  Niles : Oh, I know that, it's just that... I don't really care for your cooking.

  Daphne : [dumbfounded]  What?

  [Frasier and Martin come in from the bedrooms] 

  Niles : Well, you're not the best cook in the world. In fact, you're not very good at cooking. At all. Bad, BAD cook!

  Martin Crane : [to Frasier, whispering]  What the hell is he doing?

  Dr. Frasier Crane : [intentionally interrupting]  Uh... Well, we're off.

  [Frasier and Martin head to the door with their coats] 

  Martin Crane : [to Niles]  God bless you, son!

  [Frasier and Martin head out. Before Frasier closes the door, Niles gives him a thumbs up] 

  Niles : [to Daphne]  You okay?

  Daphne : How could I be after that horrible thing you just said to me?

  Niles : Oh, I'm sorry, darling. I just want to show you I see you the way you really are.

  Daphne : And who I am is a bad cook, is that what you're saying?

  Niles : No, that's not fair. I, I thought this was what you wanted.

  Daphne : Well it still hurts. I have feelings, you know. I thought you loved my cooking. Well, you certainly could have handled this better.

• Niles : Speaking of Daphne, I was hoping you could spare her this Friday. I'm planning on taking her for a weekend getaway, where I think we may be taking our relationship to the next level.

  Dr. Frasier Crane : Oh, my God, Niles! You're going to propose?

  Niles : No, not that level, the level before that.

  Dr. Frasier Crane : You're going to ask her to move in with you?

  Niles : One more level before that.

  Dr. Frasier Crane : Well, you're already dating...

  Niles : No, that's two levels.

  Dr. Frasier Crane : [Niles makes vague motions to indicate moving on]  Oh, for heaven's sake, just tell me!

  Niles : Well, you know. We're going to... consummate our relationship.

  Dr. Frasier Crane : What? Well, uh... Gosh, it's none of my business, I just thought you'd already reached that level.

  Niles : What made you think that?

  Dr. Frasier Crane : Oh, I don't know. I guess everybody just assumed...

  Niles : Who's everybody?

  Dr. Frasier Crane : Nobody.

• Dr. Frasier Crane : But Niles, you have been on overnight trips together, haven't you?

  Niles : Yes. But they were all perfectly chaste. Daphne wanted to wait until the time was right. And well, we've both just been missing each other these past few weeks, I think the time is upon us.

  Dr. Frasier Crane : Oh, I'm so happy for you, Niles.

  Niles : Thank you.

  Dr. Frasier Crane : Gosh, nobody's gonna believe you two haven't slept together.

  Niles : Who's nobody?

  Dr. Frasier Crane : Nobody.

  [the waiter brings Niles his coffee. Putting the cup down, he gives Niles a look and a little disbelieving shake of his head, then leaves] 

• Dr. Frasier Crane : [recounting to Roz the mysteries he and Niles wrote as boys]  And there was the one where our father was kidnapped and the only clue was a dented Ballantine can.

  Niles : The Suspicious Six Pack!