Quotes
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Martin : Maybe you should watch TV somewhere else.
Dr. Frasier Crane : I should go elsewhere? I? Just what do you suggest, that I find a documentary bar and watch it on their big screen?
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Dr. Frasier Crane : Everyone, I would like to introduce you to the newest member of our furniture family!
[Frasier pulls of the cover to reveal a near perfect replica of Martin's original chair, sans the duct tape]
Martin : Oh!... Where did you find this?
Dr. Frasier Crane : You can't find that, Dad - it doesn't exist anymore. Which is why I contacted a master builder, showed him some photographs, and had him duplicate it. As for the material, I tracked down the original manufacturer, and once I got them to admit they made it, I had them reweave it!
Daphne Moon : It must have cost a fortune!
Dr. Frasier Crane : Yes. Ironically, this is now the most expensive piece of furniture in the entire apartment.
Martin : [sits down] It's beautiful! Thank you, son!
Dr. Niles Crane : Well done, Frasier.
Martin : Oh, it feels just the same - I don't want to get up!
Dr. Frasier Crane : Well, that's a shame, because I was planning on taking us both out to dinner this evening, Dad - anywhere you'd like!
Martin : [gets up] Even the steakhouse?
Dr. Frasier Crane : Even the steakhouse!
[Frasier gets their coats]
Dr. Frasier Crane : Niles, Daphne, you're welcome to join us.
Daphne Moon : Oh, sorry, but we're in the middle of my piano...
Dr. Niles Crane : Oh, we'd love to.
Dr. Frasier Crane : You know, I'll bet we can get free pie if we just tell them it's our anniversary!
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Dr. Niles Crane : What color is the new carpet?
Dr. Frasier Crane : I'm going up a shade... to Harvest Wheat.
Dr. Niles Crane : I thought the next shade up was Buff.
Dr. Frasier Crane : It used to be! But they've discovered a whole new color in between.
Dr. Niles Crane : So now it's Tofu, Putty, Oatmeal...
Dr. Niles Crane , Dr. Frasier Crane : Almond, Harvest Wheat...
Dr. Frasier Crane : ...and Buff.
Dr. Niles Crane : That's going to be hard to get used to.
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[after Frasier accidentally destroyed Martin's armchair, Martin enters the café where Frasier and Niles are talking]
Dr. Niles Crane : Hey, Dad. Um, taking Eddie for a walk?
Martin : Yeah, I was afraid if I left him home, Frasier would set him on fire and throw him off the balcony.
[Martin goes to the counter]
Dr. Frasier Crane : [to Niles] You see what I'm putting up with?
Dr. Niles Crane : Are you going to let this go on forever?
Dr. Frasier Crane : Me? He's the one who keeps insisting I was lashing out deliberately - which I was not, although God knows it would have been justified.
Dr. Niles Crane : What, because of the oil?
Dr. Frasier Crane : This is a lot deeper and a lot darker than oil, and you know it. The man will not get off my back.
Dr. Niles Crane : It seems to me you've been giving as good as you've been getting.
Dr. Frasier Crane : Oh, please. Ever since our so-called anniversary, he keeps insisting on...
Dr. Niles Crane : Wait, whoa, whoa. What does your anniversary have to do with this?
[pause]
Dr. Frasier Crane : Well, I guess it just set me off. It was as though everyone was saying that the only significant relationship I'll ever have again is with my father!
Dr. Niles Crane : So you're not mad at Dad. You're just mad that he isn't a woman.
Dr. Niles Crane : [later, Martin comes back]
Martin : Well, I've got my coffee. Nothing fancy, but if you don't like it, you're welcome to set it on fire and throw it off the balcony.
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Martin : Dandy! You've had a breakthrough and I've lost my chair. Maybe I can sit on your breakthrough.
Dr. Frasier Crane : I'll tell you what you can sit on...!
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Dr. Frasier Crane : [frantically calling the elevator after accidentally destroying Martin's chair] What do we do? What do we say?
Dr. Niles Crane : All right, all right, calm down. The important thing is it didn't hit anyone.
Dr. Frasier Crane : Yes, at least we have that! But how do we explain this?
Dr. Niles Crane : We-we just tell them what happened as clearly and rationally as possible.
Dr. Frasier Crane : Right! Right! Rational!
[the elevator door opens to reveal Martin, sans Daphne]
Dr. Frasier Crane : Oh my God, did you feel that earthquake?
Martin : What the hell happened?
Dr. Niles Crane : Where's Daphne?
Martin : She's down cleaning up the mess!
[Niles heads into the elevator. Frasier follows Martin into the apartment]
Dr. Frasier Crane : Dad, I can explain!
Martin : You threw my chair off the balcony?
Dr. Frasier Crane : I'm so sorry! Just hear me out...
Martin : Are you crazy?
Dr. Frasier Crane : Well, I didn't mean to!
Martin : Forget what it means to me, you could have killed someone!
Dr. Frasier Crane : It was an accident!
Martin : You said there are no accidents!
Dr. Frasier Crane : Clearly I was wrong! I mean, why on earth would I do such a thing?
Martin : [seething] Because you've always been gunning for that chair! I accidentally stain your carpet, and you set fire to the one thing in this apartment I care about and HEAVE it out into the street!
Dr. Frasier Crane : Dad, I am so sorry, I didn't mean to! Please, forgive me! I'll buy you another chair...
Martin : Ah, don't do me any favors!
[Martin angrily heads to his room]
Dr. Frasier Crane : No, please, Dad, look, I know you're angry right now, and that's normal. I'll tell you what, the healthiest thing you can do right now...
Martin : Want to know the healthiest thing *you* can do?
Dr. Frasier Crane : Shut my yap.
Martin : *BINGO!*
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Martin : That guy sure looks cold. What are we watching?
Dr. Frasier Crane : I'M watching "Lost on the Mountain".
Martin : Ah. Is that the mountain?
Dr. Frasier Crane : [coldly] Yes.
Martin : Well, they sure don't look lost.
Dr. Frasier Crane : That's the search party.
Martin : Oh.
[beat]
Martin : So who's lost?
Dr. Frasier Crane : Apparently you are. If you don't stop interrupting, I will be too.
