Frasier (TV Series)

Author, Author (1994)

Kelsey Grammer: Dr. Frasier Crane

Photos 

Quotes 

• Frasier , Niles : [singing]  ump-ta-da-da-da ump-ta-da-da-da... Some boys run off to college, but we think they're all wussies, cause they get all the knowledge, and we get all the umpta-da-da-da umpta-da-da-da...

• Frasier : Niles, I would shave my head for you.

  Niles : A gesture that grows less significant with each passing year.

• Frasier : I do not have a fat face.

  Niles : Oh, please. I keep wondering how long you're going to store those nuts for winter.

• [Frasier is attempting to throttle Niles during a particularly out-of-control argument] 

  Niles : My God, I'm having a flashback! You're climbing in my crib and jumping on me!

  Frasier : You stole my mommy!

• Frasier : Oh, so that's what this little tantrum is all about? You're jealous of my celebrity?

  Niles : It's not a tantrum, and I'm not jealous. I'm just FED UP! I'm fed up with being second all the time. You know, I wanted to be a psychiatrist like Mom way before you did, but because you were older you got there first. You were first to get married. You were first to give Dad the grandchild he always wanted. By the time I get around to doing anything, it's all chewed meat!

  Frasier : You're crying about something that we can't change.

  Niles : Oh, you wouldn't change it if you could, you love it!

  Frasier : Oh, let it go, Niles!

  Niles : I can't let it go! My nose is rubbed in it every day! *I'm* the one on the board of the Psychiatric Association, *my* research is well-respected in academic circles, four of *my* patients have been elected to political office, but it's *your* big fat face they put on the side of buses!

• Frasier : [Frasier and Niles are wrestling on the hotel bed]  Niles! Stop! We are psychiatrists - not pugilists!

  [Niles stops wrestling and stands up] 

  Frasier : I can't believe you fell for that!

  [Frasier tackles Niles, and they resume wrestling] 

• [after a bitter argument with Niles] 

  Frasier : Dad, the mark of a pure man is that one realizes he can't control his circumstances, he can only control his responses.

  Martin : Have you talked to your brother yet?

  Frasier : I do not have a brother! I'm an only child!

• Frasier : Morning all!

  Martin : Morning.

  Daphne Moon : You seem cheerful this morning, Dr. Crane.

  Frasier : Why shouldn't I be?

  [Picks up a muffin and begins to take a bite] 

  Martin : Well it's going to rain again, jobless rates are up and about two minutes ago Eddie was licking that muffin.

• Frasier : All we need is a good opening sentence, something that will smack the reader between the eyes and then take him on a virtual roller coaster ride of self-awareness and discovery.

  Niles : Frasier, while you were over there mixing metaphors like a Cuisinart, I've had a breakthrough.

• Frasier : I bought you these headphones. Now here, you see, you'll be able to listen to the TV without disturbing Niles and me while we work.

  Martin : What about Eddie? How's he gonna hear?

  Frasier : He can read about the game in tomorrow's paper.

• Martin : But the Sonics are on in twenty minutes.

  Frasier : Dad, I've solved that problem.

  [Frasier gives Martin a pair of wireless headphones] 

  Frasier : I've bought you these headphones, see? You'll be able to listen to the TV, without disturbing Niles and me as we work.

  Martin : What about Eddie? How's he going to hear?

  Frasier : He can read about the game in tomorrow's paper. Try 'em out, Dad.

  [Frasier turns on the TV at the same time Martin puts on the headphones] 

  Martin : [shouting]  Hey, not bad!

  [Martin turns his attention to the TV] 

  Niles : [to Frasier]  Very clever solution

  Frasier : Yes, and it also has another little feature that I like a lot. Watch this.

  [while Martin watches the TV, Frasier speaks out of his sight] 

  Frasier : Hey, Dad! Nice shirt. Did they throw that in the last time you had your tires rotated?

  [Martin doesn't respond, Frasier and Niles laugh. Niles gets up from the dinner table to instigate Martin himself] 

  Niles : Hey Dad? Tell us about the time you met Dwight Eisenhower. We haven't heard that story this hour!

  [they laugh again] 

  Frasier : Okay, okay, my turn. Hey, Dad? Remember...

  Martin : [obviously hearing them]  Say another word and I'll club you both with my cane.

  [Frasier and Niles back off and retreat to the dinner table to begin writing] 

• Frasier : Wait, wait, I just remembered a story about George and Ira Gershwin when they had to meet a deadline. They would lock themselves in a hotel room, free from distractions, and not come out until their task was complete.

  Niles : Brilliant! If we get hot, we'll not only finish this volume but we can write another chorus to "Bess You Is My Woman Now!"

• Martin : Frasier, isn't there something you want to say to your brother?

  Frasier : Yes, Dad, I - I suppose there is. Niles, would you like a muffin?

  Martin : Frasier!

  Frasier : Oh, all right. Niles... I'm sorry things didn't work out with the book. You have no reason to feel inferior to me. You're an accomplished psychiatrist, a decent man and you fall second to no one.

  Niles : Thank you, Frasier. The truth is, I've always looked up to you and admired you.

• Frasier : What are you doing here?

  Niles : Dad, I would like you to convey a message from me to Frasier.

  Martin : What makes you think I know where he is?

  Niles : Tell him he owes me half of this hotel bill. I will accept cash but no personal checks. I know he has trouble writing things.

  Frasier : I'm not paying any of this.

  Niles : Oh... so you're cheap as well as intellectually barren.

  Frasier : And you're a no-talent hack!

  Niles : And you look stupid in a T-shirt!