- [the doorbell rings]
- Frasier: That'll be Niles. I'm taking him to lunch to get his mind off his troubles.
- Daphne: Is that something we shouldn't talk about?
- Martin: No, there's no reason why we shouldn't talk about it.
- Frasier: Dad, I'm sorry, I don't think he's ready to talk about it so we're not talking about it.
- Niles: [from behind the door] Would you mind not talking about it a little less loudly?
- Frasier: Niles, this painting here in the living room, have you always had this?
- Niles: The one of Maris and me in the garden? Yes, we had it commissioned on our third anniversary.
- Frasier: No, no, it must be a different painting. This is Maris next to a really big tree.
- Niles: No, there's no tree in that painting, it's... Oh, my God. She's had me completely painted out! I don't think I can take much more of this.
- Frasier: In that case, I wouldn't look too closely at the face of that skunk in the flowerbed.
- Niles: Look around. This entire room is a monument to my spinelessness!
- Frasier: How so?
- Niles: This Dresden Shepherdess? A peace offering I made to Maris when I was foolish enough to point out an extra syllable in a Haiku she'd written. Choose another item. Anything.
- Frasier: Oh, that candelabra?
- Niles: Louis Quatorze! What better way to apologise for the time I attempted to grow a moustache?
- Frasier: I think you owe us all a candelabra for that.
- Niles: I have every reason to believe Maris and I may be on the road to reconciliation.
- Frasier: Really?
- Niles: We met for lunch today. I told her I couldn't stand being in separation limbo any more and unless she wanted the marriage to end, we simply had to get into counselling.
- Frasier: And she agreed?
- Niles: Her exact words were "I'll think about it", but I saw a twinkle in her eye I have not seen since the neighbor children discovered our new electric fence.
- [Frasier and Niles are trapped in Maris's mansion by two attack dogs outside]
- Niles: One of our old dogs used to be spooked by thunderstorms. The vet told us half of one of Maris's green pills would allow him to sleep safely right through the storm. You get the meat, I'll get the pills.
- Frasier: Right...! Wait! What if Maris is out of pills?
- [Niles bursts out laughing]
- Frasier: [chuckling] Oh, I see.
- Niles: Thank you, Frasier, I needed that.
- Martin: Now the beauty of the "Hot & Foamy" is the ultra-quick heating action. You just plug it in and two minutes later, presto, guess what comes out?
- Daphne: [sarcastic] Well, the obvious answer would be shaving cream, so I'll go with... music?
- Martin: You had a lot of sassy things to say about my clothes steamer, too. But didn't those snow peas taste delicious?
- Niles: Frasier, look, it's my puppies! Oh, I've missed you. Hello, Gestalt! Hello, Gerhardt!
- Frasier: Niles, don't they look just a bit agitated to you?
- Niles: Well, that's because they're excited to see that the Lord has returned to the manor. Hello, boys!
- [He starts to open the door and the dogs begin snarling; he quickly closes the door]
- Niles: Oh my God. She hasn't changed the locks. She changed the dogs!
- Daphne: When will you just admit that this junk belongs in a dustbin?
- Martin: You know, I was on a case once where the wife constantly nagged the husband like this. "You never put anything in the garbage. Why don't you ever put anything in the garbage?"
- Daphne: Well, he should have listened to her.
- Martin: Oh, he did. And that's where we found her!
- [Niles has signed Maris's divorce papers]
- Martin: Niles, I'm proud of you. I know this isn't easy, but in the long run I know you'll be happier. I'm damn sure I will be.
- Niles: [reads from their mother's journal] "Frasier never seems to get enough at mealtime. He's nearly twice the size of Niles and often when he thinks I'm not looking, steals his brother's food."
- Frasier: [reads from their mother's journal] "What Niles lacks in assertiveness, he makes up for in an abnormally fussy grooming regimen."
- Niles: [reads from their mother's journal] "April 3, Niles remains as docile as ever. He constantly allows himself to be cowed and dominated especially by females."
- Frasier: Fine! Go ahead and toddle on back to Maris. Let her grind you under her boot heel for another twelve years, rob you of whatever self-respect you've still retained, then we can have this conversation all over again!