Frasier (TV Series)

Are You Being Served? (1997)

David Hyde Pierce: Dr. Niles Crane

Photos 

Quotes 

• [Niles is covered in foam] 

  Daphne : Dr. Crane! Are you all right?

  Niles : I'm fine... Just a little hot... And foamy...

  Martin : You know what must have happened? My "Hot & Foamy" must have exploded!

  Daphne : [sarcastic]  He was a detective, you know.

• [the doorbell rings] 

  Frasier : That'll be Niles. I'm taking him to lunch to get his mind off his troubles.

  Daphne : Is that something we shouldn't talk about?

  Martin : No, there's no reason why we shouldn't talk about it.

  Frasier : Dad, I'm sorry, I don't think he's ready to talk about it so we're not talking about it.

  Niles : [from behind the door]  Would you mind not talking about it a little less loudly?

• Frasier : Now listen. I know you're upset, but let's remember why you left Maris in the first place: you were tired of groveling.

  Niles : Yes, but I'm rested now.

• Niles : You know, this is sort of exciting. Even as a child I always fancied I might make a first-rate society cat burglar. I think I'm right.

  Frasier : Yes. All it takes is stealth, cunning and a key to the door.

• Frasier : Niles, this painting here in the living room, have you always had this?

  Niles : The one of Maris and me in the garden? Yes, we had it commissioned on our third anniversary.

  Frasier : No, no, it must be a different painting. This is Maris next to a really big tree.

  Niles : No, there's no tree in that painting, it's... Oh, my God. She's had me completely painted out! I don't think I can take much more of this.

  Frasier : In that case, I wouldn't look too closely at the face of that skunk in the flowerbed.

• Niles : Look around. This entire room is a monument to my spinelessness!

  Frasier : How so?

  Niles : This Dresden Shepherdess? A peace offering I made to Maris when I was foolish enough to point out an extra syllable in a Haiku she'd written. Choose another item. Anything.

  Frasier : Oh, that candelabra?

  Niles : Louis Quatorze! What better way to apologise for the time I attempted to grow a moustache?

  Frasier : I think you owe us all a candelabra for that.

• Niles : I can't believe it. It's really over.

  Frasier : If you choose you never have to see Maris again.

  Niles : Oh, please. Half the time I couldn't see her when she was standing right in front of me.

  [they laugh] 

• Niles : I have every reason to believe Maris and I may be on the road to reconciliation.

  Frasier : Really?

  Niles : We met for lunch today. I told her I couldn't stand being in separation limbo any more and unless she wanted the marriage to end, we simply had to get into counselling.

  Frasier : And she agreed?

  Niles : Her exact words were "I'll think about it", but I saw a twinkle in her eye I have not seen since the neighbor children discovered our new electric fence.

• [Frasier and Niles are trapped in Maris's mansion by two attack dogs outside] 

  Niles : One of our old dogs used to be spooked by thunderstorms. The vet told us half of one of Maris's green pills would allow him to sleep safely right through the storm. You get the meat, I'll get the pills.

  Frasier : Right...! Wait! What if Maris is out of pills?

  [Niles bursts out laughing] 

  Frasier : [chuckling]  Oh, I see.

  Niles : Thank you, Frasier, I needed that.

• Niles : [after learning their namesakes, Niles takes the journal from Frasier in shock]  Frasier... do you know what this means?

  Frasier : Our mother named us after rodents.

  Niles : No. It means I have ended my marriage to the woman I love based on the case history of a spineless rat!

• Niles : This may be my last chance to prove once and for all that I'm not the sort of man who... who... whatever Mother said.

  Frasier : Constantly allows himself to be cowed and dominated especially by females.

  Niles : I might have known you'd memorize it.

• Niles : Oh my God! Maris has seen the papers. It's too late to take it back.

  Frasier : Niles, your reasoning was still sound.

  Niles : [Becoming hysterical]  My reasoning? My reasoning was based on my mother's obsession WITH VERMIN!

• Niles : Frasier, look, it's my puppies! Oh, I've missed you. Hello, Gestalt! Hello, Gerhardt!

  Frasier : Niles, don't they look just a bit agitated to you?

  Niles : Well, that's because they're excited to see that the Lord has returned to the manor. Hello, boys!

  [He starts to open the door and the dogs begin snarling; he quickly closes the door] 

  Niles : Oh my God. She hasn't changed the locks. She changed the dogs!

• Niles : [reads from their mother's journal]  "Frasier never seems to get enough at mealtime. He's nearly twice the size of Niles and often when he thinks I'm not looking, steals his brother's food."

• Niles : [reads from their mother's journal]  "April 3, Niles remains as docile as ever. He constantly allows himself to be cowed and dominated especially by females."