Fawlty Towers (TV Series)

Waldorf Salad (1979)

Bruce Boa: Mr. Harry Hamilton

Photos 

Quotes 

• Mr. Hamilton : What I'm suggesting is that this place is the... the crummiest, shoddiest, worst-run hotel in the whole of Western Europe.

  Major Gowen : No! No, I won't have that! There's a place in Eastbourne.

• Mr. Hamilton : Would you make me a Waldorf Salad?

  Basil Fawlty : [having never heard of it]  I beg your pardon?

  Mr. Hamilton : Get me a Waldorf Salad.

  Basil Fawlty : Well, I think we just ran out of Waldorfs!

• Mr. Hamilton : You're gonna stay here, nice and quite, while these people say whether or not they're satisfied. And you move off that spot, Fawlty, I'm gonna bust your ass!

  Basil Fawlty : Everything's bottoms, isn't it?

• Basil Fawlty : [quietly]  This is typical. Absolutely typical... of the kind of...

  Basil Fawlty : [shouting]  ARSE I have to put up with from you people! You ponce in here expecting to be hand... waited on hand and foot, while I'm trying to run a hotel here! Have you any idea of how much there is to do? Do you ever think of that? Of course not! You're all too busy sticking your noses into every corner, poking about for things to complain about, aren't you? Well let me tell you something - this is exactly how Nazi Germany started! A lot of layabouts with nothing better to do than to cause trouble! Well, I've had fifteen years of pandering to the likes of you, and I've had enough! I've had it! Come on, pack your bags and get out!

  Mrs. Hamilton : They're packed.

  Mr. Hamilton : Order ten taxis, will ya? I'll pay for 'em!

  Basil Fawlty : Come on! Come on!

  hotel guests : What? What?

  Basil Fawlty : Out! Everybody out! Go on upstairs, pack your bags! Adios! Out!

  Mr. Johnston : But it's raining!

  Basil Fawlty : Well, you should've thought of that before, shouldn't you? Too late now! Come on, out! Rause! Rause! RAUSE!

• Basil Fawlty : Ah, you'd like freshly SQUEEZED orange juice.

  Mr. Hamilton : As opposed to freshly unscrewed orange juice, yes.

• Mr. Hamilton : You're the manager, aren't you? You're responsible. So, what're you gonna do about it, huh?

  Basil Fawlty : [Pausing]  I'll have a word with him.

  Mr. Hamilton : Have a WORD with him? Man, you've got to TELL 'im. "Lay it on the line!"

  Basil Fawlty : "Lay it on the line."

  Mr. Hamilton : Tell 'im if he doesn't get on the ball, you're gonna bust his ass!

  Basil Fawlty : [confused]  Bust his...?

  Mr. Hamilton : [impatient]  I'll tell 'im!

  Basil Fawlty : No, no, no! I'll tell 'im! Leave it to me! I've got it. I've got it. I've got it. I've got it. I've got it! Bust his...?

  Mr. Hamilton : ASS!

  Basil Fawlty : Oh, that! Right. And, uh, two green salads.

• Basil Fawlty : [after elaborately explaining why he has no ingredients for a Waldorf Salad]  So, it makes you think how lucky you are, doesn't it? I mean, here we all are, with all our limbs functioning and, quite frankly, if you've got your health, what else matters?

  Mr. Hamilton : What a bunch of crap!

• Mr. Hamilton : [Arriving in the hotel]  What a drive, huh? Everything on the wrong side of the road, the weather... Whaddaya get for livin' in a climate like this, green stamps? It's terrible!

  Basil Fawlty : [to Mrs. Hamilton, unaware she's the man's wife]  Sorry about this.

  Mr. Hamilton : Took five hours from London. Couldn't find the freeway, had to take a little back street called the M5!

  Basil Fawlty : [Irate]  Well, I'm sorry if it wasn't wide enough for you. A lot of the English cars have steering wheels.

  Mr. Hamilton : They do, do they? You wouldn't think there was room for them inside.

  Basil Fawlty : [to Mrs. Hamilton, discreetly holding his nose]  See what I mean?

  Mrs. Hamilton : What?

  Basil Fawlty : Rubbish.

  Mrs. Hamilton : May I introduce my husband?

• Mr. Hamilton : You know somethin', fella? If this was back in the States, I wouldn't board my dog here!

  Basil Fawlty : Fussy, is he? Poodle?

• Mr. Hamilton : I'm not getting through to you, am I?

• Mr. Hamilton : [to Basil]  Just forget about it, will ya? I want my steak!

• Basil Fawlty : Have you by any chance ever tried a Ritz salad?

  Mr. Harry Hamilton : Ritz?

  Basil Fawlty : Yes, it's a traditional old English thing. It's apples, grapefruit, and potatoes in a mayonnaise sauce.

  Mr. Harry Hamilton : No, I don't think I ever tried that. Don't think I ever will, either.

• Mr. Hamilton : What the hell is that?

  Basil Fawlty : Uh, vodka and orange juice.

  Mr. Hamilton : Orange juice?

  Mrs. Hamilton : I'm afraid it's not fresh.

  Basil Fawlty : Isn't it?

  Mrs. Hamilton : No.

  Basil Fawlty : We've just opened the bottle.

  Mr. Hamilton : Look. Fresh means it comes out of an orange, not out of a bottle.

  Basil Fawlty : Ah, you'd like freshly squeezed orange juice.

  Mr. Hamilton : As opposed to freshly unscrewed orange juice, yes.

  Basil Fawlty : Leave it to me. I mean, I'll get chef onto it straightaway.

  Sybil Fawlty : Sorry about that. A lot of English people are used to the flavor of the bottle.

• Mr. Hamilton : Now look, I'm sure your chef knows how to fix me a Waldorf salad, eh?

  Basil Fawlty : Well, I wouldn't be too sure.

  Mr. Hamilton : Well, he's a chef, isn't he?

  Basil Fawlty : Yes, yes. You wouldn't prefer...

  Mr. Hamilton : Well, find out, will you! Just go out there, see if he knows how to fix me a Waldorf salad!

  Basil Fawlty : Of... of course, yes. He's not absolutely positive... He's almost got it. It's... it's... it's lettuce and tomato, walnuts...

  Mr. Hamilton : No, no, no! It's celery, apples, walnuts, grapes!

  Mrs. Hamilton : In a mayonnaise sauce.

• Mr. Hamilton : You know, I stay in hotels all over the world. And this is the first time I've had to bribe a chef to cook me a meal, and then find out he doesn't even have the basic goddamn ingredients! Holy cow, can't you see what a crummy dump this is?

• Mr. Hamilton : How big a Butterball do you take me for?

• Mr. Hamilton : Now, look, we drove from London to stay here, right? Are you telling me that you can't stay open a few minutes longer so that we can eat properly?

  Basil Fawlty : Well, we can do you sandwiches. Ham... Cheese...

  Mr. Hamilton : We want something hot.

  Basil Fawlty : Toasted sandwiches?

• Basil Fawlty : Would you care for a drink before your meal?

  Mr. Hamilton : Scotch and water and a screwdriver, please.

  Basil Fawlty : And... and for you, madam?

  Mrs. Hamilton : The screwdriver's for me.

  Basil Fawlty : I see. Um, would you like it now, or after the meal?

  Mrs. Hamilton : Now, please.

  Basil Fawlty : There's nothing I can put right?

  Mrs. Hamilton : What?

  Basil Fawlty : Absolutely. So it's one scotch, and a screwdriver.

  Mr. Hamilton : I think I'll join you. Make that two screwdrivers, would you?

  Basil Fawlty : You'd like a screwdriver, as well?

  Mr. Hamilton : You got it.

  Basil Fawlty : Fine. So, it's one scotch, and you each need a screwdriver.

  Mr. Hamilton : No, no, no, no. Forget the scotch. Two screwdrivers.

  Basil Fawlty : I understand, and you'll leave the drinks.

  Mr. Hamilton : What?

  Basil Fawlty : Nothing to drink.

  Mr. Hamilton : What do you mean, nothing to drink?

  Basil Fawlty : Well, you can't drink the screwdrivers, can you?

  Mr. Hamilton : What else do you suggest that we do with them?

  Mrs. Hamilton : Vodka and orange juice.

  Basil Fawlty : Oh, certainly, madam.

  Mr. Hamilton : Make that two and forget about the screwdrivers.

  Basil Fawlty : You sure?

  Mr. Hamilton : We can manage without them.

• Mr. Hamilton : I like England and the English people, but I sure couldn't take this climate.

  Mrs. Hamilton : Harry finds it too gloomy.

  Basil Fawlty : Oh, I don't find it too gloomy. Do you, Sybil?

  Sybil Fawlty : Yes, I do, Basil.

  Basil Fawlty : My wife finds it too gloomy. I find it rather bracing.

  Sybil Fawlty : What do you find bracing, Basil? The damp, the drizzle, the fog?

  Basil Fawlty : Well, it's not always like this, dear. It changes.

  Sybil Fawlty : My husband's like the climate. He changes. This morning he went on for two hours about the bloody weather.

• Mr. Hamilton : Look! I haven't paid you 20 pounds to have some guy cut a grapefruit in half and stick a cherry in the center!

• Mr. Hamilton : What the hell's wrong with this country? You can't get a drink after 3, you can't eat after 9! Is the war still on?

• Basil Fawlty : Harold Robbins? I thought you meant that awful man... What's his name? Ah... Harold Robinson! Have you... have you read any Harold Robinson? Ah! Painful!

  Mr. Hamilton : How about Waldorf salad?

  Basil Fawlty : Was that one? You're absolutely right. Oh, that was a shocker, was it!

  Mr. Hamilton : Could you make me a Waldorf salad? Waldorf salad.

  Basil Fawlty : I think we're just out of Waldorfs.