Fawlty Towers (TV Series)

Waldorf Salad (1979)

John Cleese: Basil Fawlty

Photos 

Quotes 

• Mr. Hamilton : Would you make me a Waldorf Salad?

  Basil Fawlty : [having never heard of it]  I beg your pardon?

  Mr. Hamilton : Get me a Waldorf Salad.

  Basil Fawlty : Well, I think we just ran out of Waldorfs!

• Mr. Hamilton : You're gonna stay here, nice and quite, while these people say whether or not they're satisfied. And you move off that spot, Fawlty, I'm gonna bust your ass!

  Basil Fawlty : Everything's bottoms, isn't it?

• Basil Fawlty : [quietly]  This is typical. Absolutely typical... of the kind of...

  Basil Fawlty : [shouting]  ARSE I have to put up with from you people! You ponce in here expecting to be hand... waited on hand and foot, while I'm trying to run a hotel here! Have you any idea of how much there is to do? Do you ever think of that? Of course not! You're all too busy sticking your noses into every corner, poking about for things to complain about, aren't you? Well let me tell you something - this is exactly how Nazi Germany started! A lot of layabouts with nothing better to do than to cause trouble! Well, I've had fifteen years of pandering to the likes of you, and I've had enough! I've had it! Come on, pack your bags and get out!

  Mrs. Hamilton : They're packed.

  Mr. Hamilton : Order ten taxis, will ya? I'll pay for 'em!

  Basil Fawlty : Come on! Come on!

  hotel guests : What? What?

  Basil Fawlty : Out! Everybody out! Go on upstairs, pack your bags! Adios! Out!

  Mr. Johnston : But it's raining!

  Basil Fawlty : Well, you should've thought of that before, shouldn't you? Too late now! Come on, out! Rause! Rause! RAUSE!

• Basil Fawlty : Walnuts! That's a laugh! Easier to find a packet of sliced hippopotamus in suitcase sauce than a walnut in this bloody kitchen!

  Sybil Fawlty : Now, we've got apples...

  Basil Fawlty : [hysterical]  Oh! Terrific! We'll celebrate! We'll have an apple party! Everyone cores his own apple and stuffs them down somebody's throat!

• Mrs. Johnston : I think those prawns might be a bit off.

  Basil Fawlty : Oh, I don't think so.

  Mrs. Johnston : Well, they do taste rather funny.

  Basil Fawlty : Well, no one else has complained.

  Mrs. Johnston : Well, I really do think they're off.

  Basil Fawlty : But you've eaten half of them.

  Mrs. Johnston : Well, I didn't notice at the start.

  Basil Fawlty : You didn't notice at the start.

  Mrs. Johnston : No, really, it was the sauce. I wasn't sure.

  Basil Fawlty : So you ate half to MAKE sure?

  Mr. Johnston : My wife thinks they're off!

  Basil Fawlty : Well, what am I... Did you want another first course?

  Mrs. Johnston : No, thank you.

  Mr. Johnston : Well, you're sure.

  Mrs. Johnston : No, really. I'll just have the main.

  Mr. Johnston : Well, then, we'll cancel it.

  Basil Fawlty : Cancel it? Oh, deduct it form the bill, is that what you mean?

  Mr. Johnston : I said it was inedible.

  Basil Fawlty : Well, only half of it's inedible, apparently.

  Mr. Johnston : Well, deduct half now and if my wife brings the other half up during the night we'll claim the balance in the morning.

• Basil Fawlty : Oh, yes, I can cope, dear. Coping's easy. Not puréeing your loved ones, that's the difficult part.

• Basil Fawlty : Ah, you'd like freshly SQUEEZED orange juice.

  Mr. Hamilton : As opposed to freshly unscrewed orange juice, yes.

• [Basil has taken the lamb dishes out of the kitchen to greet Mrs. Hamilton at reception] 

  Mr. Johnston : [Re: Lamb dishes]  Finished with them, have you?

  Basil Fawlty : Absolutely. Bon Appétit

  [Basil makes rude farting sound] 

  Mr. Johnston : [to Mrs. Hamilton]  I recommend the SELF-service here. It's excellent.

  Basil Fawlty : That'll be all, thank you.

  Mr. Johnston : What?

  Basil Fawlty : Your lambs will be getting cold, Mr. Johnston.

  Mr. Johnston : Colder!

  Basil Fawlty : If you'd like them warmed up...

  Mr. Johnston : Forget it!

  Basil Fawlty : [after Mr. Johnston returns to the dining room]  ... you can get your wife to sit on 'em!

  Basil Fawlty : [to Mrs. Hamilton]  I'm so sorry for the RUBBISH we get in here.

• Basil Fawlty : This Finnish floozy's your karate teacher, is she?

  Terry : Well, it's a sort of karate, isn't it?

• Mr. Hamilton : You're the manager, aren't you? You're responsible. So, what're you gonna do about it, huh?

  Basil Fawlty : [Pausing]  I'll have a word with him.

  Mr. Hamilton : Have a WORD with him? Man, you've got to TELL 'im. "Lay it on the line!"

  Basil Fawlty : "Lay it on the line."

  Mr. Hamilton : Tell 'im if he doesn't get on the ball, you're gonna bust his ass!

  Basil Fawlty : [confused]  Bust his...?

  Mr. Hamilton : [impatient]  I'll tell 'im!

  Basil Fawlty : No, no, no! I'll tell 'im! Leave it to me! I've got it. I've got it. I've got it. I've got it. I've got it! Bust his...?

  Mr. Hamilton : ASS!

  Basil Fawlty : Oh, that! Right. And, uh, two green salads.

• Basil Fawlty : [after elaborately explaining why he has no ingredients for a Waldorf Salad]  So, it makes you think how lucky you are, doesn't it? I mean, here we all are, with all our limbs functioning and, quite frankly, if you've got your health, what else matters?

  Mr. Hamilton : What a bunch of crap!

• Mr. Hamilton : [Arriving in the hotel]  What a drive, huh? Everything on the wrong side of the road, the weather... Whaddaya get for livin' in a climate like this, green stamps? It's terrible!

  Basil Fawlty : [to Mrs. Hamilton, unaware she's the man's wife]  Sorry about this.

  Mr. Hamilton : Took five hours from London. Couldn't find the freeway, had to take a little back street called the M5!

  Basil Fawlty : [Irate]  Well, I'm sorry if it wasn't wide enough for you. A lot of the English cars have steering wheels.

  Mr. Hamilton : They do, do they? You wouldn't think there was room for them inside.

  Basil Fawlty : [to Mrs. Hamilton, discreetly holding his nose]  See what I mean?

  Mrs. Hamilton : What?

  Basil Fawlty : Rubbish.

  Mrs. Hamilton : May I introduce my husband?

• [Basil is distracted from giving two lamb dishes to Mr. and Mrs. Johnston] 

  Mr. Johnston : Are those ours?

  Basil Fawlty : [annoyed voice]  Not yet.

• [Basil is again distracted from giving two lamb dishes to the Johnstons] 

  Mr. Johnston : EXCUSE ME! There are two lambs here!

  Basil Fawlty : I'll have them removed if they're bothering you.

• Basil Fawlty : My wife likes Harold Robbins. After a hard day's slaving under the hairdryer, she needs to unwind with a few aimless thrills.

• Mr. Hamilton : You know somethin', fella? If this was back in the States, I wouldn't board my dog here!

  Basil Fawlty : Fussy, is he? Poodle?

• Basil Fawlty : Well, goodbye, dear. It's been an interesting fifteen years, but all good things must come to an end. I hope you enjoy your new work here: helping to run a hotel. Goodbye, Major. Goodbye, ladies. Give my regards to Polly and Manuel. Bye, dear.

  Sybil Fawlty : You've forgotten your keys, Basil.

  Basil Fawlty : Sorry. Force of habit, I guess. Well, goodbye to the rest of you. I hope you enjoy your stay here. Don't forget: any complaints, just call my wife. Any hour of the day or night, just shout. Bye!

• Mr. Harry Hamilton : Is this a Hotel or isn't it?

  Basil Fawlty : Well, within reason.

• Basil Fawlty : Have you by any chance ever tried a Ritz salad?

  Mr. Harry Hamilton : Ritz?

  Basil Fawlty : Yes, it's a traditional old English thing. It's apples, grapefruit, and potatoes in a mayonnaise sauce.

  Mr. Harry Hamilton : No, I don't think I ever tried that. Don't think I ever will, either.

• Basil Fawlty : Hello dear, I'm back.

  Sybil Fawlty : What do you want, Basil?

  Basil Fawlty : A room, please, um, number 12 is free, I think. Now, I'd like breakfast in bed at half-past ten in the morning, please. That's eggs, bacon, sausage, and tomato with a Waldorf salad, all washed down with lashings of hot screwdriver.

• Mr. Hamilton : What the hell is that?

  Basil Fawlty : Uh, vodka and orange juice.

  Mr. Hamilton : Orange juice?

  Mrs. Hamilton : I'm afraid it's not fresh.

  Basil Fawlty : Isn't it?

  Mrs. Hamilton : No.

  Basil Fawlty : We've just opened the bottle.

  Mr. Hamilton : Look. Fresh means it comes out of an orange, not out of a bottle.

  Basil Fawlty : Ah, you'd like freshly squeezed orange juice.

  Mr. Hamilton : As opposed to freshly unscrewed orange juice, yes.

  Basil Fawlty : Leave it to me. I mean, I'll get chef onto it straightaway.

  Sybil Fawlty : Sorry about that. A lot of English people are used to the flavor of the bottle.

• Basil Fawlty : Go and have a bit of fun with a Finn!

• Sybil Fawlty : Mr. and Mrs. Hamilton were telling me about California. You can swim in the morning, and then in the afternoon, you can drive up into the mountains and ski.

  Basil Fawlty : Must be rather tiring.

• Mr. Hamilton : Now look, I'm sure your chef knows how to fix me a Waldorf salad, eh?

  Basil Fawlty : Well, I wouldn't be too sure.

  Mr. Hamilton : Well, he's a chef, isn't he?

  Basil Fawlty : Yes, yes. You wouldn't prefer...

  Mr. Hamilton : Well, find out, will you! Just go out there, see if he knows how to fix me a Waldorf salad!

  Basil Fawlty : Of... of course, yes. He's not absolutely positive... He's almost got it. It's... it's... it's lettuce and tomato, walnuts...

  Mr. Hamilton : No, no, no! It's celery, apples, walnuts, grapes!

  Mrs. Hamilton : In a mayonnaise sauce.

• Mr. Hamilton : Now, look, we drove from London to stay here, right? Are you telling me that you can't stay open a few minutes longer so that we can eat properly?

  Basil Fawlty : Well, we can do you sandwiches. Ham... Cheese...

  Mr. Hamilton : We want something hot.

  Basil Fawlty : Toasted sandwiches?

• Basil Fawlty : We need another one of these. There is sugar on it.

  Polly Sherman : What a sweet place.

  Basil Fawlty : What?

  Polly Sherman : I'll have it replaced.

• Basil Fawlty : What is a Waldorf, anyway? A walnut that's gone off?

  Sybil Fawlty : It's the hotel, Basil. The Waldorf Hotel in New York.

• Basil Fawlty : Well, if he found the ingredients, why didn't he tell me? Has he been struck dumb? Somebody torn his tongue out in the last two minutes?

• Basil Fawlty : Would you care for a drink before your meal?

  Mr. Hamilton : Scotch and water and a screwdriver, please.

  Basil Fawlty : And... and for you, madam?

  Mrs. Hamilton : The screwdriver's for me.

  Basil Fawlty : I see. Um, would you like it now, or after the meal?

  Mrs. Hamilton : Now, please.

  Basil Fawlty : There's nothing I can put right?

  Mrs. Hamilton : What?

  Basil Fawlty : Absolutely. So it's one scotch, and a screwdriver.

  Mr. Hamilton : I think I'll join you. Make that two screwdrivers, would you?

  Basil Fawlty : You'd like a screwdriver, as well?

  Mr. Hamilton : You got it.

  Basil Fawlty : Fine. So, it's one scotch, and you each need a screwdriver.

  Mr. Hamilton : No, no, no, no. Forget the scotch. Two screwdrivers.

  Basil Fawlty : I understand, and you'll leave the drinks.

  Mr. Hamilton : What?

  Basil Fawlty : Nothing to drink.

  Mr. Hamilton : What do you mean, nothing to drink?

  Basil Fawlty : Well, you can't drink the screwdrivers, can you?

  Mr. Hamilton : What else do you suggest that we do with them?

  Mrs. Hamilton : Vodka and orange juice.

  Basil Fawlty : Oh, certainly, madam.

  Mr. Hamilton : Make that two and forget about the screwdrivers.

  Basil Fawlty : You sure?

  Mr. Hamilton : We can manage without them.

• Mr. Hamilton : I like England and the English people, but I sure couldn't take this climate.

  Mrs. Hamilton : Harry finds it too gloomy.

  Basil Fawlty : Oh, I don't find it too gloomy. Do you, Sybil?

  Sybil Fawlty : Yes, I do, Basil.

  Basil Fawlty : My wife finds it too gloomy. I find it rather bracing.

  Sybil Fawlty : What do you find bracing, Basil? The damp, the drizzle, the fog?

  Basil Fawlty : Well, it's not always like this, dear. It changes.

  Sybil Fawlty : My husband's like the climate. He changes. This morning he went on for two hours about the bloody weather.

• Basil Fawlty : What do you think we pay you for?

  Polly Sherman : My staying power?

• Basil Fawlty : You see? Satisfied customers. Of course, if this little hotel is not to your taste, then you are free to say so, that is your privilege. And I shall of course refund your money. I know how important it is to you Americans. But you must remember that here in Britain, there are things that we value more, things that perhaps in America you've rather forgotten about, but which to we British are far, far more important...

• Basil Fawlty : Harold Robbins? I thought you meant that awful man... What's his name? Ah... Harold Robinson! Have you... have you read any Harold Robinson? Ah! Painful!

  Mr. Hamilton : How about Waldorf salad?

  Basil Fawlty : Was that one? You're absolutely right. Oh, that was a shocker, was it!

  Mr. Hamilton : Could you make me a Waldorf salad? Waldorf salad.

  Basil Fawlty : I think we're just out of Waldorfs.

• Basil Fawlty : It really is the most awful American... Well, not American... Transatlantic tripe. A sort of pornographic muzak. Still, it keeps my wife off the streets.

• Basil Fawlty : There's nothing I could do to please a pair like you, short of putting straw in the rooms.

• Mr. Johnston : I'm not satisfied!

  Mrs. Johnston : No, we're not satisfied!

  Basil Fawlty : Well, people like you never are, are you?

• Terry : Well, you know how it is, Mr. Fawlty.

  Basil Fawlty : Yes, I know how it is. I pay you for an hour and a half, you clear off after half an hour, that's how it is. That's socialism.

  Terry : Oh, no, that's the free market.