Fawlty Towers (TV Series)

Basil the Rat (1979)

John Cleese: Basil Fawlty

Photos 

Quotes 

• Mr. Carnegie : I think these premises do not come up to the standard required by this authority. Unless appropriate steps are taken instantly, I shall have no alternative but to prosecute or recommend closure to the appropriate committee of the council, uh, specifically: The lack of proper cleaning routines, dirty and greasy filters, greasy and encrusted deep fat fryer, dirty, cracked and stained food preparation surfaces, dirty, cracked and missing wall and floor tiles, dirty, marked and stained utensils, dirty and greasy interior surfaces of the ventilator hood...

  Basil Fawlty : Yes, about the deep fat fryer...

  Mr. Carnegie : ...inadequate temperature control and storage of dangerous foodstuffs, storage of cooked and raw meat in same trays, storage of raw meat above confectionery with consequent dripping of meat juices onto cream products, refrigerator seals loose and cracked, ice box undefrosted, and refrigerator overstocked...

  Basil Fawlty : Yes, say no more.

  Mr. Carnegie : ...um, food handling routines suspect, evidence of smoking in food preparation area, dirty and grubby food handling overall, lack of wash hand basin - which you gave us a verbal assurance you'dhave installed at our last visit six months ago - and two dead pigeons in the water tank.

  Basil Fawlty : Otherwise O.K.?

• Basil Fawlty : Well, of course it's a rat. You have rats in Spain, don't you? Or did Franco have 'em all shot?

• Basil Fawlty : Manuel... my wife informs me that you're... depressed. Let me tell you something. Depression is a very bad thing. It's like a virus. If you don't stamp on it, it spreads throughout the mind, and then one day you wake up in the morning and you... you can't face life anymore!

  Sybil Fawlty : And then you open a hotel.

• [Manuel wants to keep his pet rat] 

  Manuel : [to Sybil]  Mrs. Fawlty, please understand: If he go, I go.

  Basil Fawlty : Well, goodbye.

• Basil Fawlty : Is NOT hamster! Hamsters are small and cuddly! Cuddle this, you'd never play the guitar again!

• [Terry is examining a piece of possibly-poisoned veal the cat had been chewing on] 

  Terry : Right! Now, how's the cat?

  Basil Fawlty : [Incredulously]  How's the c...? How's the cat? We're about to take the life of a public health inspector and you want to know "how's the cat"? IT'S GONE TO LONDON TO SEE THE QUEEN! What're we going to do?

  Polly : [bringing in the cat]  He's fine!

  Terry : Great!

  Basil Fawlty : [leaping about hysterically]  HOORAY! HOORAY! THE CAT LIVES! THE CAT LIVES! LONG LIVE THE CAT! What are we going to DO?

  Terry : Mr. Fawlty - if the cat is all right, that means that slice is all right.

• Ronald : Look, I was just trying to give an order to your waiter and he walked away while I was doing it.

  Basil Fawlty : Hm?

  Ronald : Well, he wasn't paying attention at all.

  Basil Fawlty : I'm so sorry. What were you saying?

  Ronald : The waiter wasn't listening when I was giving him our order. He seemed more interested in my fiancée's legs.

  Basil Fawlty : Really? May I?

  [Basil and Manuel look intently under the table in the area of his fiancée's legs] 

• Major Gowen : But they spread disease, Fawlty! He was sitting there, on that table! Eating the nuts, if you please!

  Basil Fawlty : [to himself]  He's really gone this time...

  Major Gowen : [measuring the length with his hands]  It was like that, about that size.

  Major Gowen : [widening the length]  That, with a tail.

  Basil Fawlty : [confused]  I'm sorry? What did you say it was?

  Major Gowen : Vermin. A dirty rat!

• Sybil Fawlty : [about Manuel's rat]  Perhaps it would be simplest to have him put to S-L-E-E-P.

  Basil Fawlty : Who? Him or the rat? Might get a discount if we have them both done.

  Manuel : 'Spleep'?

• Basil Fawlty : Do sit down, Mr. Carnegie.

  Sybil Fawlty : He just has, Basil.

  Mr. Carnegie : On a plate of veal.

  Basil Fawlty : Has it put you off?

  Mr. Carnegie : What?

  Basil Fawlty : Has it put you off the veal, at all?

  Mr. Carnegie : Well, I'm not eating THAT one if THAT'S what you mean!

• Basil Fawlty : I'll put an ad in the papers: "Wanted, kind home for enormous savage rodent. Answers to the name of Sybil."

• [Polly, with a piece of cheese, is looking for Basil the Rat under a table] 

  Polly : Basil. Basil? Cheesies! Basil...

  Basil Fawlty : [coming up behind her]  Yes?

  [Polly bangs her head beneath the table] 

  Basil Fawlty : Here I am.

  Polly : [coming out from under the table]  Oh, Mr. Fawlty I...

  Basil Fawlty : [taking the cheese]  Oh, that's for me, is it? Thank you.

  Polly : [as he eats it]  Shall I get you some more? There's plenty...

  Basil Fawlty : He's called "Basil," is he? Don't play dumb with me. I trusted you. You're responsible for this!

• Sybil Fawlty : They all said, at one time or another, how on Earth did the two of us ever get together. "Black magic," my mother says.

  Basil Fawlty : Well, she'd know, wouldn't she? Her and that cat.

• [Basil finds someone going through the food in the kitchen] 

  Basil Fawlty : Sybil, may I introduce the gentleman who's just opened the self-service department here. Mr...?

  Mr. Carnegie : Carnegie.

  Basil Fawlty : Mr. Carnegie, the scavenger gourmet from...?

  Mr. Carnegie : The Public Health department.

• Ronald : Don't shush me!

  Basil Fawlty : Well, I'm sorry, but th-th-th-the veal is, in fact, off. Well, it was never really on, quite honestly - that's a misprint.

  Ronald : A misprint?

  Basil Fawlty : Yes, it should say um... eel.

  Ronald : Eel Escalope?

• [the Major is in the bar with a rifle, stalking a rat. Basil is behind him, unaware of what the Major is doing] 

  Basil Fawlty : Do you need any help, Major?

  Major Gowen : Don't move!

  [Points the rifle at Basil] 

  Major Gowen : ...Vermin.

  [Basil mishears and rolls eyes] 

  Basil Fawlty : We haven't got any this week, Major.

  Major Gowen : Hm?

  Basil Fawlty : No Germans staying this week, Major.

• Sybil Fawlty : I cannot abide cruelty to living creatures.

  Basil Fawlty : Well, I'm a creature, you can abide it to me.

  Sybil Fawlty : You're not living.

• Basil Fawlty : Can't we get you on Mastermind, Sybil? Next contestant: Mrs. Sybil Fawlty from Torquay. Specialist subject - the bleeding obvious.

• Basil Fawlty : Look at it from the point of view of the rat.

  Sybil Fawlty : What?

  Basil Fawlty : Well, would you want to spend the rest of your life with Manuel waiting on you?

• Sybil Fawlty : Well what are you going to do with it?

  Basil Fawlty : I don't know. I'll take it away. Let it go. Give it it's freedom.

  Sybil Fawlty : You can't do that, Basil. He wouldn't be able to defend himself.

  Basil Fawlty : He's a rat, isn't he?

  Sybil Fawlty : Well he's domesticated.

  [to the rat] 

  Sybil Fawlty : Aren't you?

  Basil Fawlty : Well, you're domesticated. You do alright. He's not going to get mugged by a gang of field mice, is he?

• Basil Fawlty : Too much of a good thing always leaves one wanting less, I always find.

• [Major Gowen is carrying a gun to shoot vermin, but Basil misheard and thinks that he wants to shoot Germans] 

  Basil Fawlty : Not legal actually, anymore, murder.

  Major Gowen : But they're animals, Fawlty!

  Basil Fawlty : Oh, yes, yes. Still, forgive and forget, eh?

  Major Gowen : Forgive 'em?

  Basil Fawlty : Well, pretend we do.

• Basil Fawlty : Not pigs! Pigeons!

  Manuel : Qué?

  Basil Fawlty : Pigeon, pigeon. Like your English.

• Mrs. Taylor : That's veal?

  Basil Fawlty : No, no, this is... veal substitute. We're giving it a try, and it's a bit of a disappointment, I'm afraid. In fact, it's no substitute at all.

• Basil Fawlty : Hope you didn't mind my little joke just now. Thank God we English can laugh at each other, eh?

• Manuel : [after being told that his pet hamster is actually a rat]  No, is hamster.

  Basil Fawlty : It's a rat.

  Manuel : No, I think so too.

  Basil Fawlty : What?

  Manuel : I say to man in shop, 'Is rat.' He says, 'No, no, no. Is a special kind of hamster. Is Filigree Siberian Hamster.' Only one in shop. He make special price, only 5 pounds.

  Basil Fawlty : Have you ever heard of the Bubonic Plague, Manuel? It was very popular here at one time. A lot of pedigreed hamsters came over on ships from Siberia.

• Basil Fawlty : Manuel, would you get the bread roll, please? No, no, no. Get the box! We have a box, a bread box. For any, uh, bread that has gone past its prime.

• Manuel : [after learning that his pet rat will be going to a new home]  But he forget me!

  Basil Fawlty : Well, rats are like that, Manuel. Don't get involved with them.

• Mr. Carnegie : I couldn't help noticing you had some veal over here...

  Basil Fawlty : Veal?

  Sybil Fawlty : Yes, it's Dutch.

  Basil Fawlty : Well, it's not Dutch, actually. It's, uh, Norwegian.

  Sybil Fawlty : Norwegian?

  Basil Fawlty : Yes. Not the absolute apex, quite honestly.

  Sybil Fawlty : Terry, the veal is Dutch, isn't it?

  Terry : Norwegian, Mrs. Fawlty.

  Mr. Carnegie : I've been in this business 20 years, I've never heard of Norwegian veal.

  Basil Fawlty : Well, they've only just branched into it. You know, I don't think it's a winner, frankly, more of a veal substitute. It's got a lot of air pockets in it, that sort of thing.

• Basil Fawlty : It's not difficult, Manuel. This is not a proposition from Wittgenstein.

• Basil Fawlty : The lamb is Dutch.

  Mr. Carnegie : Dutch?

  Basil Fawlty : Well, English, I mean. We call it Dutch 'cause it's as good as the veal. It's better, quite honestly.

• Basil Fawlty : We wouldn't want you to think that just because you were one of her Majesty's civil servants, we were showing you any excess favoritism. I'm sure you wouldn't want that.

• Mr. Carnegie : [reacting to the sound of gunshots]  God! What was that?

  Basil Fawlty : Bloody television exploding again. I'll deal with it, you go upstairs.

  Mr. Carnegie : That was a gun!

  Sybil Fawlty : Yes, it did sound like it, didn't it?

• Basil Fawlty : They're there.

  Ronald : What do you mean, 'They're there'?

  Basil Fawlty : It's all there. There, there, there, and there. All there for your enjoyment.

• Polly : He must have escaped, Mr Fawlty, and come back.

  Basil Fawlty : Come back?

  Polly : They home.

  Basil Fawlty : Oh, I see. He's a homing rat, is he?

  Terry : Oh, yeah. Rats are amazing creatures, Mr. Fawlty. I read about one once. His owner had gone down to Penzance...

  Basil Fawlty : Yes, yes. I read about that. When the chef got filleted with his own carving knife?

• Basil Fawlty : We didn't win the war by getting depressed, you know?

• Basil Fawlty : Terry, this kitchen is filthy!

  Terry : Filthy Towers, eh?

  Basil Fawlty : Now, look...

  Terry : All kitchens are filthy, Mr. Fawlty. In fact, the better the kitchen, the filthier it is. Have you ever read George Orwell's experiences at Maxim's in Paris?

  Basil Fawlty : No, do you have a copy? I'll read it out in court.

• Basil Fawlty : [offering a box of biscuits to Mr. Carnegie]  Biscuits?

  [the box of biscuits is opened, and there is a rat in the box] 

  Basil Fawlty : Would you... would you care for a rat?

  [Mr. Carnegie is too stunned to respond] 

  Basil Fawlty : Just... just the biscuits then, please, Polly.

• Basil Fawlty : There's some stuff in the bin you might like. You know, potato peelings, cold rice pudding, that sort of thing... Not exactly haute cuisine, but it'll certainly help to fill you up.

• Sybil Fawlty : Here's your veal, Mr. Carnegie. Sorry for the delay.

  Ronald : He's just been given veal!

  Basil Fawlty : Uh, no, no. That's, uh, veal substitute.

  Ronald : Veal substitute?

  Basil Fawlty : Yes, it's not very good. It got rather held up on the boat. On the way over from, uh...

  Polly : Japan.

  Basil Fawlty : Norway. It's a... it's sort of a... Japo-Scandinavian imitation veal substitute, and I'm afraid that's the last slice, anyway.