Father Ted (TV Series)

Old Grey Whistle Theft (1996)

Dermot Morgan: Father Ted Crilly

Quotes 

• Father Dougal McGuire : God Ted, I've heard about those cults. Everyone dressing in black and saying our Lord's going to come back and judge us all.

  Father Ted Crilly : No... no Dougal, that's us. That's Catholicism you're talking about there.

• Father Ted Crilly : Dougal, is there anything on your mind?

  [Dougal looks worried] 

  Father Ted Crilly : Let me rephrase that.

• Mrs. Doyle : Here are the sandwiches for the picnic, the rest are in the kitchen. I hope you enjoy them Father.

  Father Ted Crilly : I love a sandwich from time to time. It doesn't matter what flavour it is as long as it isn't egg, because you know how much I hate egg Mrs. Doyle. God even the smell of them brings me under a terrible rash. I tell you, I wouldn't even eat an egg sandwich if you paid me. The horrible stinking smelly things as I told you before. Remember me telling you earlier Mrs. Doyle any thing except egg and I wanted anything at all as long as it wasn't egg - they're egg aren't they, Mrs. Doyle?

  Mrs. Doyle : Yes.

• [Ted accidentally clinks two wine bottles together] 

  Father Jack Hackett : DRINK!

  Father Ted Crilly : It's not drink, Father. It's just fizzy water.

  Father Jack Hackett : "Jacobs Creek Chardonnay 1991!"

  Father Ted Crilly : You can tell that just from the sound?

• Benson : I have had that whistle for 40 years. It saved my grandfathers life.

  Father Ted Crilly : Did it really?

  Benson : It did. He was being executed by tge British, they had him up against a wall and they shot him. And the bullets all hit the whistle in his coat pocket and bounced off it.

  Father Ted Crilly : God Almighty, so he survived?

  Benson : No no. They just reloaded and shot him again.