Father Ted (TV Series)
Tentacles of Doom (1996)
Dermot Morgan: Father Ted Crilly
Photos
Quotes
-
Father Ted Crilly : [considering what to do with Father Jack when the bishops come to visit] Maybe we could teach him to say one or two things. Nothing too specific - a few all-purpose sentences, like 'That would be an ecumenical matter.' Yes, I can't think of any religious question that can't be answered by that. It's what I always say when people ask me questions. That's the great thing about Catholicism - it's so vague, and nobody really knows what it's all about.
-
Father Ted Crilly : Right, Father. Now we're going to have a little elocution lesson.
Father Jack Hackett : [finishes a can of beer and throws it at the wall] DRINK!
Father Ted Crilly : Now, Father, you can't be saying that all the time when the bishops come here.
Father Jack Hackett : FECK!
Father Ted Crilly : No, you can't say that either.
Father Jack Hackett : GIRLS!
Father Ted Crilly : Look, Father, just let's go back to "drink" for the moment.
Father Jack Hackett : DRINK!
Father Ted Crilly : [lifts up the cover of a flip chart on an easel, written on it are the phrases "That would be an ecumenical matter" and "Yes"] Right, now I want you to have a look at this. Have a go at the first one here. "That".
Father Jack Hackett : DRINK!
Father Ted Crilly : No, no, no. "That".
Father Jack Hackett : DRINK!
Father Ted Crilly : Now, come on, Father, concentrate."That".
Father Jack Hackett : DRINK!
[seven more times Ted says "That" and Jack says "DRINK!"]
Father Ted Crilly : Now, come on now, Father, I know you can do it! There'll be a little drink in it for you if you do it.
Father Jack Hackett : Drink?
Father Ted Crilly : Yes, I promise. Now come on, try again. "That".
Father Jack Hackett : Th-th-th-th - th-thhhhh... DRINK!
Father Ted Crilly : Come on, now, Father, you almost had it! "That"!
Father Jack Hackett : Th-th-th-th-thhhh... THAT!
Father Ted Crilly : GREAT!
Father Jack Hackett : THAT!
Father Ted Crilly : Brilliant, Father! Let's keep it going here, and the next one, "That would".
Father Jack Hackett : THAT! Ww-ww-ww-ww - ww... DRINK!
[Jack slumps down in his chair in defeat. Ted knocks down the flip chart in frustration]