- Father Dougal McGuire: I've never met a celebrity before.
- Father Ted Crilly: You met the Pope.
- Father Dougal McGuire: Did I?
- Father Ted Crilly: Yes, do you not remember that time we were in Rome?
- Father Dougal McGuire: That was the Pope? That old fella living in the art gallery?
- Father Ted Crilly: The Vatican, Dougal! The Vatican!
- Father Dougal McGuire: Still, he's not a celebrity in the true sense of the word.
- Father Ted Crilly: He's God's representative on Earth, Dougal!
- Father Dougal McGuire: You'd think he'd be taller.
- Father Ted Crilly: You mean like a giant?
- [after Henry Sellers jumps out the window]
- Father Dougal McGuire: It's true what they say, you should never meet your heroes, you'll only be disappointed.
- Sergeant Deegan: God, this reminds me of Vietnam.
- Father Ted Crilly: Were you in Vietnam, Sergeant?
- Sergeant Deegan: Ah, no no, I mean, you know, the films.