Father Ted (TV Series)

Cigarettes and Alcohol and Rollerblading (1996)

Ardal O'Hanlon: Father Dougal McGuire

Quotes 

• Father Ted Crilly : Ah, Sister Assumpta!

  Sr. Assumpta : Hello Father!

  Father Ted Crilly : Dougal, Dougal, do you remember Sister Assumpta?

  Father Dougal McGuire : Er, no.

  Father Dougal McGuire : She was here last year! And then we stayed with her in the convent, back in Kildare. Do you remember it? Ah, you do! And then you were hit by the car when you went down to the shops for the paper. You must remember all that? And then you won a hundred pounds with your lottery card? Ah, you must remember it, Dougal!

  [Dougal shakes his head] 

  Sr. Assumpta : And weren't you accidentally arrested for shoplifting? I remember we had to go down to the police station to get you!... And the police station went on fire? And you had to be rescued by helicopter?

  Father Ted Crilly : Do you remember? You can't remember any of that? The helicopter! When you fell out of the helicopter! Over the zoo! Do you remember the tigers?

  [Dougal shakes his head some more] 

  Father Ted Crilly : You don't remember? You were wearing your blue jumper.

  Father Dougal McGuire : Ah, Sister Assumpta!

• Father Dougal McGuire : God, I've never seen a clock at 5 a.m. before!

• Father Ted Crilly : God almighty, when I think of the sacrifices Matty Hislop made.

  Father Dougal McGuire : Who?

  Father Ted Crilly : Matty Hislop. He was a notorious drunkard who found God and then decided to punish himself for his sins. Oh, he used to do all kinds of things. Like he had this terrible allergic reaction to cats. So instead of avoiding them, he used to carry a kitten in his pocket. He'd sniff it from time to time. His head just inflated like a balloon.

  Father Dougal McGuire : Fair play to him.

• Father Ted Crilly : Honestly Dougal, could you not knock the old rollerblading on the head for a couple of weeks?

  Father Dougal McGuire : You're right Ted. I used to be happy enough with me old bike, I used to get a big buzz out of just going down to the shops on it, you know? But after a while it just wasn't enough. I started going for bigger and bigger thrills, but I could give it up! Any time I wanted!

  Father Ted Crilly : You tried to give it up yesterday and you couldn't.

  Father Dougal McGuire : You're right Ted! I admit I've got a problem!