Family Guy (TV Series)

Petarded (2005)

Seth MacFarlane: Peter Griffin, Brian Griffin, Stewie Griffin, Glenn Quagmire, Tom Tucker, Vagina Monologue, National Geographic Narrator, Firetruck Announcer, Timer the Cheese Guy, Political Man #2, Toy Voiceover, Waiter, Jake, Orange Crayon

Photos 

Quotes 

• [Peter kicks open stall door in women's restroom; occupant screams] 

  Peter Griffin : Sorry, retarded.

  Woman#1 : Oh, it's okay.

  [Peter kicks open second stall door; occupant screams] 

  Peter Griffin : Sorry, don't know any better.

  Woman#2 : Oh, bless you then.

  [Peter kicks open third stall door; occupant screams] 

  Peter Griffin : Geez, didn't you hear me a second ago? I'm retarded!

  Woman#3 : Oh, you're just curious. Well, let me show you how everything works down there.

• Meg Griffin : I can't believe this is happening to me! I can never go back to school again!

  Stewie Griffin : Oh, yes, Meg. Yes-yes-yes, everything was going swimmingly for you until this. Yes, yes, THIS is the thing that will ruin your reputation, not you years of grotesque appearance or awkward social graces, or that Felix Unger-ish way you clear your sinuses. No, no, it's THIS. Do you hear yourself talk? I might kill you tonight.

• Peter Griffin : Attention restaurant customers. Testicles. That is all.

• Stewie Griffin : Chris, whatever happened to Geena Davis? She used to be in movies, but she's not in movies anymore. She's attractive enough but when she smiles you see too much gum. Not a good tooth-to-gum ratio... Chris? Ah, I'll tell you in the morning.

• Peter Griffin : [reads game card]  For whistling at a white woman, go directly to jail. Aw, man! Doesn't anyone ever win at this game?

  Cleveland Brown : You don't win. You just do a little better this time.

• Peter Griffin : Cloris Leachman, I've bought you legally. Now juggle these bean bags.

  Cloris Leachman : I don't know how to juggle...

  Peter Griffin : GOD HELP YOU, CLORIS! JUGGLE THE BEAN BAGS!

• Lois Griffin : Peter, mental retardation usually happens before you're born. It isn't something you can catch. Don't you think you're overreacting?

  Peter Griffin : Well, excuse me for being retarded!

• Joe Swanson : Hey Peter, what's up?

  Peter Griffin : Joe, I just, umm... just recently found out that I'm umm... I'm mentally retarded, and umm... I just wanted to ask, umm... h-how do you deal with it?

  Joe Swanson : Peter, I'm handicapped, not retarded.

  Peter Griffin : Okay, now we're splittin' hairs.

• Brian Griffin : You know, Peter, I hate to say "I told you so" about not being a genius, but... EEEYEAH! IN YOUR FUCKING FACE, FUCKWAD!... I'm... I'm sorry about that.

• Brian Griffin : You ever stop and think "Wow, I'm married to that guy"?

  Lois Griffin : Yeah, but I usually just suppress it.

  Brian Griffin : Is that healthy?

  Lois Griffin : What's the worst that could happen?

  Peter Griffin : [to the tune of "Rock Me, Amadeus"]  I'm a tumor, I'm a tumor, I'm a tumor. I'm a tumor, I'm a tumor, I'm a tumor, I'm a tumor, I'm a tumor, I'm a tumor, oh-oh, I'm a tumor!

• Peter Griffin : Oh, God! What have I done? I'm the worst husband ever!

  Agent Jessup : Make that the worst father ever. Hi, I'm Agent Jessup form child services. I'm here to take your kids away.

  Peter Griffin : What? Why?

  Agent Jessup : Because you're mentally unfit to take care of them.

  Chris Griffin : No way!

  Meg Griffin : Oh, my God!

  Stewie Griffin : Finally!

• Glen Quagmire : [Quagmire slowly peaks out at Meg's slumber party]  Oh, come on! You girls are boring the crap out of me! You know what I'm going to do? I... I... I'm going to go home and watch a dirty movie now! It's all this mindless chattering is what it is!

  [he leaves] 

  Meg : Wow, that was weird. Hey, you wanna compare breasts?

• Stewie Griffin : [to a prostitute sat on a couch next to him]  So, tell me... is there any tread left on the tyres at all? Or, at this point, would it be like throwing a hot dog down a hallway?

• Peter Griffin : Well, here they are, Brian, my test results! Read 'em and weep!

  Brian Griffin : Um, Peter, according to this, you're not a genius. In fact... you're mentally retarded.

  Peter Griffin : Oh, yeah? Well, would a mentally-retarded guy have hired a bulldozer with a drunk driver to level half of his house in celebration of his fantastic test results?

  Brian Griffin : Um... maybe.

  Peter Griffin : ...Uh oh.

  [a bulldozer with a drunk driver levels half of the house] 

  Drunk Driver : Congratulations!

• Peter Griffin : Ghost That Never Lies, did you witness the events that took place on that fateful day? You did. Well, how interesting. And do you see the culprit or culprits in this courtroom today? You do. Well, would you kindly point him or them out for this court? Don't point at me, you jackass!

• Timer : [cut scene]  I hanker for a hunk of/a slab, a slice, a chunk of/I hanker for a hunk of cheese! When your get up and go has got up and went...

  Timer : [answers a knock at the door]  Howdy partner!

  Peter Griffin : Uh, yeah, pardon me sir, I live next door. It is three-thirty in the morning, I am very tired.

  Timer : [holding up an object]  Look, a wagon wheel!

  Peter Griffin : What the hell is your problem?

  Timer : I just smoked a whole bunch of crack!