Family Guy (TV Series)
Death Has a Shadow (1999)
Seth MacFarlane: Peter Griffin, Brian Griffin, Stewie Griffin, Glenn Quagmire, Tom Tucker, God, Kool-Aid Guy, Johnson, Reporter, Bill Clinton, Charlie, Tom Hanks, Jerry Seinfeld, Dick, Jemima's Witness, Mike Brady, Porno Bogart, Fast Food Employee, Prisoner #2
Photos
Quotes
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Mr. Weed : You're fired!
Peter Griffin : Aw, jeez. For how long?
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Brian Griffin : Amazing, you can barely drive a car and yet you're allowed to fly a blimp?
Peter Griffin : Yeah, America's great, isn't it? 'Cept for the South.
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Lois Griffin : Peter, what did you promise me last night?
Peter Griffin : That I wouldn't drink at the stag party.
Lois Griffin : And what did you do?
Peter Griffin : Drank at the stag pa -... Whoa! I almost walked right into that one.
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Reporter : Mr. President, why do think the American public has continued to support you throughout these impeachment proceedings?
Bill Clinton : Umm, probably cause you're so fat. A ha ha ha ha.
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Peter Griffin : Look, I don't want your mother to worry. When she worries, she says things, like "I told you so" and "Stop doing that, I'm asleep". So I'm just gonna tell a little lie here, and not a word to your mother about me getting canned.
Lois Griffin : What was that?
Peter Griffin : Um, nothing, honey. Ooh, ooh, the lost my job looks great!
Lois Griffin : What?
Peter Griffin : Um, Meg, honey, could you pass the fired my ass for negligence?
Lois Griffin : Peter, are you all right?
Peter Griffin : I'm fine. I haven't got a job in the world.
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Brian Griffin : And remember you had an Irish Coffee the day we went to see "Philadelphia"?
Peter Griffin : [the family is watching the movie in a theater, where everybody except Peter is crying] I got it, it's the guy from Big. Tom Hanks, that's it. Aw, funny guy, Tom Hanks. Everything he says is a stitch.
Tom Hanks : I have AIDS.
[Peter starts laughing uncontrollably]
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Stewie Griffin : Excellent, the mind control device is nearing completion!
Lois Griffin : Stewie, I said no toys at the table.
[takes mind control device]
Stewie Griffin : Damn you, vile woman! You've impeded my work since the day I escaped from your wretched womb.
Lois Griffin : Aw, don't pout, honey. You know, when you were born, the doctor said you were the happiest-looking baby he'd ever seen.
Stewie Griffin : But, of course! That was my victory day. The fruition of my deeply-laid plans to escape from that cursed ovarian bastille. Return the device, woman!
Lois Griffin : No toys, Stewie.
Stewie Griffin : Very well, then. Mark my words: when you least expect it, your uppance will come.
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Stewie Griffin : You know, Mother, life is like a box of chocolates. You never know what you're going to get. Your life, however, is a box of ACTIVE GRENADES!
[pulls out grenades]
Stewie Griffin : Now, I shall give you one last chance at deliverance. Return my mind control device or be destroyed!
Lois Griffin : Oh, you just want your toy back. Here you go.
Stewie Griffin : Yes, well, victory is mine!
[runs out of room]
Stewie Griffin : [grenades explode] AH! DAMN YOU ALL!
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Mr. Weed : Griffin! Are you sleeping on the job?
Peter Griffin : No. There's a bug in my eye and I'm trying to suffocate him.
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Peter Griffin : Now, look, kids, Daddy only drank so the Statue of Liberty would take her clothes off.
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Diane Simmons : Quite a situation we've got here, Tom.
Tom Tucker : Quite a situation we've got here Tom indeed, Diane.
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Glenn Quagmire : Hey, who wants to play "Drink the Beer"?
Peter Griffin : Right here.
[chugs a can]
Glenn Quagmire : Heh, you win!
Peter Griffin : All right! What do I win?
Glenn Quagmire : Another beer!
Peter Griffin : Alright, I'm goin' for the high score!
Glenn Quagmire : Well, actually *Charlie's* got the high score.
[pan right to a man with his pants down standing in front of a grandfather clock]
Charlie : Hey, man, your clock won't flush!
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Glen Quagmire : Who wants to play drink the beer?
Peter Griffin : Right here.
[drinks beer]
Peter Griffin : What do I win?
Glen Quagmire : Another beer.
Peter Griffin : I'm going for the high score.
Glen Quagmire : Actually, Charlie's got the high score.
Charlie : Hey man, your clock won't flush.
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[watching a porno that was accidentally taped over]
Narrator : The Statue Of Liberty, originally...
Peter Griffin : Oh, NO! My kid must have taped over it for History class!
Glen Quagmire : Oh no. What do we do? What do we do?
Peter Griffin : We'll drink till she's hot.
Glen Quagmire : Hey, that's just crazy enough to work!
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Lois Griffin : You see, Peter? A hangover is simply nature's way of saying that I was right. I mean, really, Pe...
[She falls over]
Meg Griffin : Mom, are you all right?
Lois Griffin : My goodness. This chair leg was loose. Isn't that silly? I could've broken my neck.
Stewie Griffin : Damn.
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Peter Griffin : You know, I feel pretty bad, you guys. I promised my wife I wouldn't drink tonight.
Glenn Quagmire : Aw, don't feel bad, Peter.
Peter Griffin : Wow! I never thought of it like that!
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Meg Griffin : Mom, can I turn the heat up?
Lois Griffin : Don't touch the thermostat, Meg. Your father gets upset.
Meg Griffin : Come on. This thing goes up to 90.
Peter Griffin : Who touched the thermostat?
Meg Griffin : God, how does he always know?
Peter Griffin : Brain implant, Meg. Every father's got one. Tells you when the kids are messin' with the dial.
Father 1 : Hey, Peter, my thing went off! Your thermostat okay?
Peter Griffin : Yeah, it's all right.
Father 2 : Hey, is my kid over here?
Father 1 : Forget it! False alarm!
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Jan Brady : Mom, Dad, I found cigarettes in Greg's jacket.
Mike Brady : Greg were you smoking cigarettes?
Greg Brady : No dad.
Mike Brady : Well he's lying. There's no doubt about that. Greg I'm afraid your punishment will be 4 hours in the snake pit. Maybe that will give you some time to think about what you have done.
Jan Brady : That will teach him.
Mike Brady : And Jan I'm afraid you have earned a day in the chamber of fire for tattling on your brother.
Lois Griffin : Uch, smoking! How does a boy like that turn out so wrong.
Peter Griffin : Well, they live in a crummy neighborhood.
Brian Griffin : The Bradys?
Peter Griffin : Oh, yeah, they got robbers, thugs, drug dealers, aw, you name it.
Black Woman : [appearing at the window with a plate full of pancakes] You folks want some pancakes?
Peter Griffin : No, thank you.
[to his family]
Peter Griffin : See, that's the worst we got is Jemima's Witnesses.
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[Peter is ordering from a fast food restaurant]
Peter Griffin : Yeah, I'd like 6, 000 chicken fagitas, please? Yeah, 6, 000 chicken fagitas.
Brian Griffin : And a "so-sage" McBiscuit, please?
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Brian Griffin : [to Peter] Ass, ahoy!
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Lois Griffin : Now I know you all hate eggplant, but...
[a laser goes off]
Lois Griffin : What on earth was that?
[the family all looks at Stewie who is holding a poorly disguised sandwich holding a gun]
Stewie Griffin : What the deuce are you staring at? It's tuna fish. And nothing else.
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Lois Griffin : [on the phone] No, I haven't seen Peter all morning. I was busy giving a piano lesson.
[some arrows fly by her]
Lois Griffin : Stewie, why don't you play in the other room.
Stewie Griffin : Why don't you burn in Hell?
Lois Griffin : Well, no dessert for you, young man.
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Peter Griffin : Guys, guys, our money problems are over! We are officially on welfare! C'mon, kids, help me scatter car parts all over the front yard!
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Lois Griffin : It seems today, that all you see, is violence in movies, and sex on tv.
Peter Griffin : But where are those old fashioned values, on which we used to rely.
Lois Griffin : Lucky there's a family guy.
Peter Griffin : Lucky there's a man who, positively can do, all the things that make us.
Stewie Griffin : Laugh and cry.
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Stewie Griffin : Damn you, vile woman! You've impeded my work since the day I escaped from your wretched womb.
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Judge : Mr. Griffin, your words touch us. I'm sentencing you to 24 months in prison.
Lois Griffin : Oh no!
Brian Griffin : Oh no!
Meg Griffin : Oh no!
Chris Griffin : Oh no!
Kool-Aid Guy : Oh Yeah!
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Brian Griffin : Hey, how's your job search going?
Peter Griffin : Aw, it sucks, Brian. I've already been through two jobs this week. I got fired off that commercial.
[cutaway to Peter in a studio dressed as a bird holding a bowl of cereal]
Director : Try it again.
Peter Griffin : I'm caca for Cuckoo Puffs.
Director : No! Dammit, take 26.
[cut back to Peter and Brian]
Peter Griffin : And then I had that job as the sneeze guard for the salad bar at that restuarant.
[cutaway to a restaurant, Peter is dressed as a policeman standing next to an old lady at a salad bar]
Old Lady : Ah-ah-ah...
Peter Griffin : [brandishing a gun] Take it outside, lady.
[cut back to Peter and Brian]
Peter Griffin : And then I thought I could win some money in that talent show.
[cutaway to a scene from The Sound of Music]
Max Detweiler : And the grand prize goes to: The Von Trapp Family Singers.
[Peter is seen wearing leiderhosen and carrying a sousaphone]
Peter Griffin : Oh, that is bull...
[the last part of the word is drowned out by applause]
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Chris Griffin : All right, Dad! Way to fight the machine!
Stewie Griffin : How do YOU know about the machine?
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Stewie Griffin : Well well, mother. We meet again.
Lois Griffin : Stewie, I thought I tucked you in an hour ago.
Stewie Griffin : Not tightly enough, it would seem. And now, you contemptible harpy, I shall end your oppressive reign of matriarchal tyranny!
Lois Griffin : You can play with your toys tomorrow, honey. Right now, it's bedtime.
Stewie Griffin : No! Blast you and your estrogenical treachery!
Peter Griffin : Heh heh. Sweet dreams, kiddo.
Stewie Griffin : [to Peter] You have the power to end this!
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Peter Griffin : Oh, man. I feel like there's accountants cranking adding machines in my head!
[Zoom in to Peter's brain where two accountants are indeed cranking adding machines]
Paul : Dick, do you ever wonder what's outside those walls?
Dick : Say now, that's dangerous thinking, Paul. You'd best stick to your work.
Paul : Oh. Okay.
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Peter Griffin : I hate lying to Lois. It's just the best way to keep her from knowing the truth.
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Judge : Mr. Griffin, don't you think you should've alerted the authorities of such a gross overpayment?
Peter Griffin : Well, I was gonna call, but... Oh, oh! My favorite episode of "Diff'rent Strokes" was on! You know, the one where Arnold and Dudley get sexually molested by the guy that owns the bike shop?
Bike Shop Owner : Alright, now I want you boys to scream real loud at my ass.
Peter Griffin : And everybody learns a valuable lesson.
Judge : Mr. Griffin, did you learn your lesson?
Peter Griffin : Oh, yeah! Stay the hell away from *that* bike shop!
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[last lines]
Meg Griffin : I sure am gonna miss being rich.
Peter Griffin : Oh, don't worry. I found another way to make money.
Brian Griffin : Not another welfare scam.
Peter Griffin : Oh, no, no, no, no, no.
[puts on an afro wig]
Peter Griffin : Minority scholarship.
[laughs, and then winks and gives a thumbs up to the camera as the executive producer credits roll as if the show is over]
Lois Griffin : No. No.
Stewie Griffin : Are you insane?
Peter Griffin : Okay, okay, uh...
[puts on a blonde wig and rips open his shirt]
Peter Griffin : I mean, "sexual harassment suit"!
[laughs]
Lois Griffin : I don't think so.
Stewie Griffin : Absolutely outrageous!
Peter Griffin : Um, uh, uh...
[takes out a baseball bat]
Peter Griffin : Disability claim!
[he knocks himself out with the bat, and the episode cuts to black]
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Peter Griffin : Now, look, kids, there's still gonna be food on this table, just not as much, so it won't seem competitive.
Meg Griffin : Who cares about food? Now, I'll never be able to afford my lip injections!
[sobs]
Brian Griffin : Hey, uh, Peter, can we put her out in the yard for a while?
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Lois Griffin : Right now, I am so mad, I can't even see straight!
Peter Griffin : Oh, really? We got money to get that fixed, too, and we've got enough left over to buy our kids out of any trouble they might get into.
[sighs]
Peter Griffin : Just like the Kennedys.
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Peter Griffin : Lois, am I glad to see you.
Lois Griffin : I've got nothing to say to you, Peter.
Peter Griffin : I gave the money back. Why are you still steamed?
Lois Griffin : Peter, you lied to me. You betrayed my trust. Compared to that, welfare fraud doesn't even matter.
Peter Griffin : Really? Well, let's hope the judge sees it that way.
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Peter Angel : Hey, sorry, man, am I late? What'd I miss?
Peter Griffin : Oh, thank God you're here! What do I do?
Mini-Peter Devil : Tell him to keep lying! He's in too deep!
Peter Angel : Um, I dunno.
[looks over his other shoulder]
Peter Angel : Hey where's the other guy?
[Cutaway to the mini angel also stuck in traffic]
Mini-Peter Angel : Ugh! This is unbelievable!
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Peter Griffin : Oh, man. How'm I gonna break this to Lois? If she finds out that I got fired for drinking, she's gonna blame me.
Peter Devil : Lie to her. It's okay to lie to women. They're not people like us.
Peter Griffin : Uh, I dunno.
[looks over his other shoulder]
Peter Griffin : Hey, where's the other guy?
[Cutaway to the angel stuck in traffic]
Peter Angel : Come on, ya bastard! I'm late for work!
[spills coffee on his robe]
Peter Angel : Oh, oh, this is perfect.
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Lois Griffin : Oh my God! Peter, you bought the statue of David?
Peter Griffin : Um, no, I just rented it. They're gonna be ticked, though. The penis broke off while I was in the car.
[Peter throws the stone away, which breaks through Mr. Weed's window. He picks it up]
Mr. Weed : I shall call you "Eduardo".
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Brian Griffin : Peter, I know this seems like a dangerous precedent, but you need to tell your wife the truth.
Peter Griffin : What? That I can't provide for my family? That she's always right? That I didn't really stand up to that tank at Tiananmen Square?
[Cutaway to Peter standing next to the Chinese man trying to stop the tanks at Tiananmen Square]
Peter Griffin : Ah, screw this! I just came over to buy some fireworks!
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Lois Griffin : I'll need the checkbook in the morning. I'm going to Stop 'N Shop for some sweet corn.
Peter Griffin : You're spending money on food again? Lois, we just had dinner!
Lois Griffin : [sarcastically] Well, you know, I enjoyed it so much, I thought we'd eat again tomorrow.
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Wellfare Official : Okay. Any past injuries, medical histories, physical anomalies?
Peter Griffin : Oh, oh! I didn't have gas for the first time until I was 30.
[Flashback to Peter as a hippie, when he hears an unfamiliar sloppy noise]
Peter Griffin : What the hell was that?
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Peter Griffin : Come on, you're worried about nothin'.
Lois Griffin : Oh? Remember when you to drunk off the communion wine at work?
Priest : And so, the Lord God smote poor Job with festering boils all over his body.
God : Aw, man. I hate it when he tells this story.
Priest : Yet, miraculously, Job was still able to retain his dignity.
Peter Griffin : [coughs] Whoa! Is that really the blood of Christ?
Priest : Yes.
Peter Griffin : Man, that guy must've been wasted 24 hours a day, huh?
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Peter Griffin : What's the point of having a jukebox in the john if your wife's mad at you?
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Stewie Griffin : 24 months in prison, eh? Unacceptable. Intolerable as it may be, I depend upon those mindless drones for sustenance! Alright, let's see how the ironclad Constitution of the American justice system stands up to... the device.
[Stewie points his mind control device on the judge and activates it. For a while, it seems to have no effect on him]
Judge : Is that your boy?
Peter Griffin : Huh? Oh, yeah, that's Stewie.
Judge : I can't separate a kid that young from his parents. It's... It's unjudgementally. Aw, hell, you learned your lesson, right?
Peter Griffin : Yes.
Judge : Okay, you're off the hook.
Peter Griffin : Oh, wow! Could you give me my job back?
Judge : No.
[Stewie points the device at the judge again]
Judge : Yes!
Peter Griffin : All right!
-
Peter Griffin : God, I hope this works, otherwise I'll have to start dropping these.
[takes out a steel bolt with the words "Forgive Me Lois" on it]
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Brian Griffin : Hey, how was your shower?
Peter Griffin : Oh, Brian, all those stories about dropping the soap are true!
Brian Griffin : Really?
Peter Griffin : Yeah, you can't even hold onto that thing to save your life. Things were slipping all over the place. Guys were laughing.
Inmate 1 : Hey, there's the guy that couldn't hold onto the soap!
Inmate 2 : Classic move that was!
[both laugh]
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Lois Griffin : Collagen is one thing, but did you really need to get breast implants for Chris?
Peter Griffin : Ah, they make him happy.
Chris Griffin : [squishing a pair of silicone breasts in his hands] Hey, these are cool!
-
Porno Bogart : Listen to me, Ilsa. If I take this thing out and you're not on it, you'll regret it. Maybe not today, maybe not tomorrow, but soon and for the rest of your life.
