Family Guy (TV Series)

Death Has a Shadow (1999)

Alex Borstein: Lois Griffin, Gymnastic Lady #1, Baby Heimlich Kid, Old Lady

Photos 

Quotes 

• Lois Griffin : Peter, what did you promise me last night?

  Peter Griffin : That I wouldn't drink at the stag party.

  Lois Griffin : And what did you do?

  Peter Griffin : Drank at the stag pa -... Whoa! I almost walked right into that one.

• Peter Griffin : Look, I don't want your mother to worry. When she worries, she says things, like "I told you so" and "Stop doing that, I'm asleep". So I'm just gonna tell a little lie here, and not a word to your mother about me getting canned.

  Lois Griffin : What was that?

  Peter Griffin : Um, nothing, honey. Ooh, ooh, the lost my job looks great!

  Lois Griffin : What?

  Peter Griffin : Um, Meg, honey, could you pass the fired my ass for negligence?

  Lois Griffin : Peter, are you all right?

  Peter Griffin : I'm fine. I haven't got a job in the world.

• Stewie Griffin : Excellent, the mind control device is nearing completion!

  Lois Griffin : Stewie, I said no toys at the table.

  [takes mind control device] 

  Stewie Griffin : Damn you, vile woman! You've impeded my work since the day I escaped from your wretched womb.

  Lois Griffin : Aw, don't pout, honey. You know, when you were born, the doctor said you were the happiest-looking baby he'd ever seen.

  Stewie Griffin : But, of course! That was my victory day. The fruition of my deeply-laid plans to escape from that cursed ovarian bastille. Return the device, woman!

  Lois Griffin : No toys, Stewie.

  Stewie Griffin : Very well, then. Mark my words: when you least expect it, your uppance will come.

• Stewie Griffin : You know, Mother, life is like a box of chocolates. You never know what you're going to get. Your life, however, is a box of ACTIVE GRENADES!

  [pulls out grenades] 

  Stewie Griffin : Now, I shall give you one last chance at deliverance. Return my mind control device or be destroyed!

  Lois Griffin : Oh, you just want your toy back. Here you go.

  Stewie Griffin : Yes, well, victory is mine!

  [runs out of room] 

  Stewie Griffin : [grenades explode]  AH! DAMN YOU ALL!

• Lois Griffin : You see, Peter? A hangover is simply nature's way of saying that I was right. I mean, really, Pe...

  [She falls over] 

  Meg Griffin : Mom, are you all right?

  Lois Griffin : My goodness. This chair leg was loose. Isn't that silly? I could've broken my neck.

  Stewie Griffin : Damn.

• Meg Griffin : Mom, can I turn the heat up?

  Lois Griffin : Don't touch the thermostat, Meg. Your father gets upset.

  Meg Griffin : Come on. This thing goes up to 90.

  Peter Griffin : Who touched the thermostat?

  Meg Griffin : God, how does he always know?

  Peter Griffin : Brain implant, Meg. Every father's got one. Tells you when the kids are messin' with the dial.

  Father 1 : Hey, Peter, my thing went off! Your thermostat okay?

  Peter Griffin : Yeah, it's all right.

  Father 2 : Hey, is my kid over here?

  Father 1 : Forget it! False alarm!

• Jan Brady : Mom, Dad, I found cigarettes in Greg's jacket.

  Mike Brady : Greg were you smoking cigarettes?

  Greg Brady : No dad.

  Mike Brady : Well he's lying. There's no doubt about that. Greg I'm afraid your punishment will be 4 hours in the snake pit. Maybe that will give you some time to think about what you have done.

  Jan Brady : That will teach him.

  Mike Brady : And Jan I'm afraid you have earned a day in the chamber of fire for tattling on your brother.

  Lois Griffin : Uch, smoking! How does a boy like that turn out so wrong.

  Peter Griffin : Well, they live in a crummy neighborhood.

  Brian Griffin : The Bradys?

  Peter Griffin : Oh, yeah, they got robbers, thugs, drug dealers, aw, you name it.

  Black Woman : [appearing at the window with a plate full of pancakes]  You folks want some pancakes?

  Peter Griffin : No, thank you.

  [to his family] 

  Peter Griffin : See, that's the worst we got is Jemima's Witnesses.

• Lois Griffin : Now I know you all hate eggplant, but...

  [a laser goes off] 

  Lois Griffin : What on earth was that?

  [the family all looks at Stewie who is holding a poorly disguised sandwich holding a gun] 

  Stewie Griffin : What the deuce are you staring at? It's tuna fish. And nothing else.

• Lois Griffin : [on the phone]  No, I haven't seen Peter all morning. I was busy giving a piano lesson.

  [some arrows fly by her] 

  Lois Griffin : Stewie, why don't you play in the other room.

  Stewie Griffin : Why don't you burn in Hell?

  Lois Griffin : Well, no dessert for you, young man.

• Lois Griffin : It seems today, that all you see, is violence in movies, and sex on tv.

  Peter Griffin : But where are those old fashioned values, on which we used to rely.

  Lois Griffin : Lucky there's a family guy.

  Peter Griffin : Lucky there's a man who, positively can do, all the things that make us.

  Stewie Griffin : Laugh and cry.

• Judge : Mr. Griffin, your words touch us. I'm sentencing you to 24 months in prison.

  Lois Griffin : Oh no!

  Brian Griffin : Oh no!

  Meg Griffin : Oh no!

  Chris Griffin : Oh no!

  Kool-Aid Guy : Oh Yeah!

• Brian Griffin : Hey, how's your job search going?

  Peter Griffin : Aw, it sucks, Brian. I've already been through two jobs this week. I got fired off that commercial.

  [cutaway to Peter in a studio dressed as a bird holding a bowl of cereal] 

  Director : Try it again.

  Peter Griffin : I'm caca for Cuckoo Puffs.

  Director : No! Dammit, take 26.

  [cut back to Peter and Brian] 

  Peter Griffin : And then I had that job as the sneeze guard for the salad bar at that restuarant.

  [cutaway to a restaurant, Peter is dressed as a policeman standing next to an old lady at a salad bar] 

  Old Lady : Ah-ah-ah...

  Peter Griffin : [brandishing a gun]  Take it outside, lady.

  [cut back to Peter and Brian] 

  Peter Griffin : And then I thought I could win some money in that talent show.

  [cutaway to a scene from The Sound of Music] 

  Max Detweiler : And the grand prize goes to: The Von Trapp Family Singers.

  [Peter is seen wearing leiderhosen and carrying a sousaphone] 

  Peter Griffin : Oh, that is bull...

  [the last part of the word is drowned out by applause] 

• Stewie Griffin : Well well, mother. We meet again.

  Lois Griffin : Stewie, I thought I tucked you in an hour ago.

  Stewie Griffin : Not tightly enough, it would seem. And now, you contemptible harpy, I shall end your oppressive reign of matriarchal tyranny!

  Lois Griffin : You can play with your toys tomorrow, honey. Right now, it's bedtime.

  Stewie Griffin : No! Blast you and your estrogenical treachery!

  Peter Griffin : Heh heh. Sweet dreams, kiddo.

  Stewie Griffin : [to Peter]  You have the power to end this!

• [last lines] 

  Meg Griffin : I sure am gonna miss being rich.

  Peter Griffin : Oh, don't worry. I found another way to make money.

  Brian Griffin : Not another welfare scam.

  Peter Griffin : Oh, no, no, no, no, no.

  [puts on an afro wig] 

  Peter Griffin : Minority scholarship.

  [laughs, and then winks and gives a thumbs up to the camera as the executive producer credits roll as if the show is over] 

  Lois Griffin : No. No.

  Stewie Griffin : Are you insane?

  Peter Griffin : Okay, okay, uh...

  [puts on a blonde wig and rips open his shirt] 

  Peter Griffin : I mean, "sexual harassment suit"!

  [laughs] 

  Lois Griffin : I don't think so.

  Stewie Griffin : Absolutely outrageous!

  Peter Griffin : Um, uh, uh...

  [takes out a baseball bat] 

  Peter Griffin : Disability claim!

  [he knocks himself out with the bat, and the episode cuts to black] 

• Lois Griffin : Right now, I am so mad, I can't even see straight!

  Peter Griffin : Oh, really? We got money to get that fixed, too, and we've got enough left over to buy our kids out of any trouble they might get into.

  [sighs] 

  Peter Griffin : Just like the Kennedys.

• Meg Griffin : Oh... My collagen is wearing thin.

  Lois Griffin : Well, Meg, sagging lips are simply nature's way of saying you shouldn't have covered for your father's lie.

  Chris Griffin : What does it mean when your armpits cry stinky tears?

  Lois Griffin : Oh, it means you're becoming a man. But hopefully, not the kind of man who stays out all night and doesn't call. Like your father, who shall remain nameless.

• Peter Griffin : Lois, am I glad to see you.

  Lois Griffin : I've got nothing to say to you, Peter.

  Peter Griffin : I gave the money back. Why are you still steamed?

  Lois Griffin : Peter, you lied to me. You betrayed my trust. Compared to that, welfare fraud doesn't even matter.

  Peter Griffin : Really? Well, let's hope the judge sees it that way.

• Lois Griffin : Oh my God! Peter, you bought the statue of David?

  Peter Griffin : Um, no, I just rented it. They're gonna be ticked, though. The penis broke off while I was in the car.

  [Peter throws the stone away, which breaks through Mr. Weed's window. He picks it up] 

  Mr. Weed : I shall call you "Eduardo".

• Lois Griffin : I'll need the checkbook in the morning. I'm going to Stop 'N Shop for some sweet corn.

  Peter Griffin : You're spending money on food again? Lois, we just had dinner!

  Lois Griffin : [sarcastically]  Well, you know, I enjoyed it so much, I thought we'd eat again tomorrow.

• Peter Griffin : Come on, you're worried about nothin'.

  Lois Griffin : Oh? Remember when you to drunk off the communion wine at work?

  Priest : And so, the Lord God smote poor Job with festering boils all over his body.

  God : Aw, man. I hate it when he tells this story.

  Priest : Yet, miraculously, Job was still able to retain his dignity.

  Peter Griffin : [coughs]  Whoa! Is that really the blood of Christ?

  Priest : Yes.

  Peter Griffin : Man, that guy must've been wasted 24 hours a day, huh?

• Lois Griffin : Collagen is one thing, but did you really need to get breast implants for Chris?

  Peter Griffin : Ah, they make him happy.

  Chris Griffin : [squishing a pair of silicone breasts in his hands]  Hey, these are cool!

• Mail Lady : Congratulations on all your success. Here's your welfare check.

  Lois Griffin : What the...

  [the last word is drowned out by an airhorn]