- Angry Man: Oh great, I always end up sitting next to a damn baby.
- Stewie Griffin: What did you just say?
- Lois Griffin: Stewie, stop fussing.
- Stewie Griffin: Pipe down Lois. Hey big man, turn around. Oh you can't hear me now. I was going to watch the movie, but forget it. For the next 5 hours, you're my bitch.
- Stewie Griffin: [furiously kicks the seat in front of him] Wah wah wah my ears are popping and there's no way to console me Wah! Maybe I'm teething, Maybe I'm hungry, who knows? I'm a baby!
- Director: [to Lois] You got a nice wiggle, baby. You wanna be in a movie, huh? A little girl/girl action maybe?
- Lois Griffin: [gasps and nudges Peter] Peter!
- Peter Griffin: Good luck buddy, I've been barkin' up that tree for 17 years.
- Stewie Griffin: Easy! Massage the scalp. You're washing a baby's hair, not scrubbing vomit off your Christmas dress, you holiday drunk.
- Joan Rivers: I was asked to star in a porn movie once, but I couldn't. Because, you know, most of my body parts are less than 18 years old.
- Bill Cosby: You like jump rope, don't you?
- Stewie Griffin: [Stewie is being hypnotized] I like jump rope.
- Bill Cosby: All right, then you are going to sit here and enjoy it.
- Stewie Griffin: I'm going to sit here and enjoy it, and I like pudding, and Ghost Dad was the best movie I've seen since Leonard Part 6.
- Brian Griffin: They bought "Death Spares not the Tiger"? Can you believe he called his protagonist "Joe Everyman"? Oh well, good for him.
- Jasper: So! Do you like "Sex and the City"?
- Brian Griffin: Yeah, it's an all right show.
- Jasper: I wasn't talking about the show. Ooooh I'm nasty!
- [makes a ship horn sound]
- Jasper: Somebody ship me out to sea!