Duckman: Private Dick/Family Man (TV Series)

Gland of Opportunity (1994)

Jason Alexander: Eric Duckman

Quotes 

• Theme park jester : Hi everyone, welcome to Castle Kingdom, the land of magic, merriment, and make believe! Remember: No smoking, no littering, no eating on rides, no public displays of affection, no black socks and sandals, no percentage of the gross, no interracial dating, no tantrums, no visible butt cleavage, and no on Proposition 24!

  Eric Duckman : [pushes him off the ledge]  No hands.

• Eric Duckman : [stuck in traffic]  It's a gas pedal, diaper butt! It won't bite! Move it, move it! Where's a forklift when you need one? "D" is for "drive", dipstick! Ooh, refresh me, middle finger straight up mean a left turn in this state?

  [sticking his head out the car window, to helicopter reporter] 

  Eric Duckman : What the hell are you staring at?

  [gets back in the car] 

  Eric Duckman : Bad enough I gotta be stuck out here, I don't need some busybody stickin' his face into somethin' that's none of his business.

  [looking out his car window] 

  Eric Duckman : Shazam, lady! Those things real, or did you have to pay to make 'em point that way?

• Doctor : Here's your EKG. Here's where I remembered to plug it in. I didn't get around to a blood test, but the sight of that stuff makes me blow lunch anyway. I did run C.A.T. scans, MRIs and urine tests. And as you can see,

  [briefly flashes the charts before shredding them] 

  Doctor : they are ALL conclusive. Surprised you never noticed any symptoms. Are you, uh, sometimes irritable?

  Eric Duckman : What's it to YOU, butt-head?

  Doctor : Do you lack energy?

  Eric Duckman : No way, after a three, four hour nap and some prescription drugs, I'm rarin' to go.

  Doctor : Do you ever want to mud wrestle with sumo waitresses?

  Eric Duckman : Wha?

  Doctor : Well actually, that's not a symptom, I belong to a little club, and we're always looking for new members.