- Louis: Yeah, I was in jail, because, well, it started because I, uh, I borrowed a friend's car and the horn was broken.
- Dr. Katz: Right.
- Louis: And it wasn't that the horn didn't honk; the problem is that it would honk whenever. It was a nightmare; I'm just driving around: "Beep beep! Beep, beep!" And I'm honking at everybody for no reason, and you can't even really apologize, 'cause what is... "Beep!" "Sorry, I know." "Beep beep!" "Yeah, it's weird, I dunno." And finally, after a while of this, I'm not gonna be a victim. I'm not gonna just sit there. I'm gonna at least be part of it. Y'know? I wanna try and enjoy it.
- Dr. Katz: Mm-hmm.
- Louis: So, one time I'm sitting at a red light behind this guy.
- Dr. Katz: Right.
- Louis: And nothing's goin' on. And out of nowhere, the horn goes, "Beep beep beep beep!" The guy looks back at me, I go, "What are ya doin'? That's a red light! Let's go! What are you, an idiot?" Then I'm just drivin' down a quiet street: "Beep beep!" "Hey lady walkin', you SUCK!"
- [...]
- Louis: So anyway, I ended up in jail, because, uh, the police don't like when you honk at 'em for no reason.
- Dr. Katz: Right.
- Louis: I do like doin' that. Whenever I see a cop, I like to drive behind policemen and just start following them around the city, and just once in a while honk at them, go "Beep beep beep!" And when they look back, you just wave and go "Hey! Hey, the cops! Yeah! Whoo!" "Beep beep!" "Yeah, I love the cops!" "Beep!" "Whoo! Piggy!"
- [...]
- Louis: Anyway, so actually, the truth is, I was in jail because I was speeding and I got pulled over and I don't have a driver's license.
- Dr. Katz: Well, Louie...
- Louis: I never got one.
- Dr. Katz: Yeah.
- Louis: Well, I went to the place to get, y'know, and there was, like, a line.
- Dr. Katz: You need a driver's license.
- Louis: I kinda like the fact that every time I get pulled over, even if it's for a broken light, I, they have to take me to jail. So, I don't have to kiss the guy's ass. I have- I get to say anything I want to, really. Because, what's he gonna do? Take me to EXTRA jail?
- Dr. Katz: Right.
- Louis: Y'know, the guy's like, "Do you know how fast you were going?" "I don't know, like, a million? I don't, I, hey, fat pig!" So I had to go to jail. And I had to be strip searched. I'd never been through that before. So I was standing naked in front of this policeman.
- Dr. Katz: Right.
- Louis: And, uh, he says, "Lift." I was like, "Lift what?" And he says, "Lift your testicles." And I was like, "Well, can I use my hands? Or... do you just want me to go, "RISE, TESTICLES! RISE ON MY COMMAND!"
- Louis: I was on a highway the other day and I was driving, and I saw this station wagon, and in the back, there were these two kids.
- Dr. Katz: Mm-hmm.
- Louis: And I'm lookin' at them, and I don't know why, but I just didn't like 'em.
- Dr. Katz: Why didn't you like the kids, Louie?
- Louis: They had that crappy look on their face, just, "Neeehhhh."
- Dr. Katz: Yeah.
- Louis: I don't know what came over me; the father was drivin', it was just their dad and they're in the back, so I just went, BAM! Gave 'em the finger! Just like that, WHAMMO! It felt really good. And their father looked, and I stopped, and then he looked away, and I went WHAM! Right again. And then their father caught me, and he kinda looked at me like, like, "Yeah."
- [father gives a thumbs up in the rearview mirror]
- Louis: Y'know, like he was thanking me. And I realized that parents must want to do that to their kids all the time.
- Dr. Katz: Yeah.
- Louis: I mean, all, as much as you could love your kids, when your kids go, "Mom, you SAID I could, you never let-" They must just wanna go, "Y'know what?
- [gives the finger]
- Louis: How do you like that, kid? Right in your face!" Right there, ya little..."
- Ben Katz: [writing his "memoirs"] I wrote the first part.
- Dr. Katz: Yeah.
- Ben Katz: I wrote out my first thought.
- Dr. Katz: Mm-hmm.
- Ben Katz: You wanna hear it?
- Dr. Katz: Sure, go ahead.
- Ben Katz: You don't wanna hear it.
- Dr. Katz: No, I would like to hear it.
- Ben Katz: All right.
- [takes breath]
- Ben Katz: "In loving memory of my father, Jonathan Katz."
- Dr. Katz: ...Ben, do you know something I don't know? Because that's usually reserved for...
- Ben Katz: Yeah.
- Dr. Katz: ...After somebody has...
- Ben Katz: Yeah, I know, dad, but this book is gonna take a while to write, and by the, by the time I'm done...
- Dr. Katz: Yeah?
- Ben Katz: ...You know I'm gonna love ya.
- Dr. Katz: [hugging him] C'mere, you.
- Ben Katz: Dad. Not yet. I said by the time I'm done.