Dr. Katz, Professional Therapist (TV Series)

Memoirs (1997)

Louis C.K.: Louis

Quotes 

• Louis : Yeah, I was in jail, because, well, it started because I, uh, I borrowed a friend's car and the horn was broken.

  Dr. Katz : Right.

  Louis : And it wasn't that the horn didn't honk; the problem is that it would honk whenever. It was a nightmare; I'm just driving around: "Beep beep! Beep, beep!" And I'm honking at everybody for no reason, and you can't even really apologize, 'cause what is... "Beep!" "Sorry, I know." "Beep beep!" "Yeah, it's weird, I dunno." And finally, after a while of this, I'm not gonna be a victim. I'm not gonna just sit there. I'm gonna at least be part of it. Y'know? I wanna try and enjoy it.

  Dr. Katz : Mm-hmm.

  Louis : So, one time I'm sitting at a red light behind this guy.

  Dr. Katz : Right.

  Louis : And nothing's goin' on. And out of nowhere, the horn goes, "Beep beep beep beep!" The guy looks back at me, I go, "What are ya doin'? That's a red light! Let's go! What are you, an idiot?" Then I'm just drivin' down a quiet street: "Beep beep!" "Hey lady walkin', you SUCK!"

  [...] 

  Louis : So anyway, I ended up in jail, because, uh, the police don't like when you honk at 'em for no reason.

  Dr. Katz : Right.

  Louis : I do like doin' that. Whenever I see a cop, I like to drive behind policemen and just start following them around the city, and just once in a while honk at them, go "Beep beep beep!" And when they look back, you just wave and go "Hey! Hey, the cops! Yeah! Whoo!" "Beep beep!" "Yeah, I love the cops!" "Beep!" "Whoo! Piggy!"

  [...] 

  Louis : Anyway, so actually, the truth is, I was in jail because I was speeding and I got pulled over and I don't have a driver's license.

  Dr. Katz : Well, Louie...

  Louis : I never got one.

  Dr. Katz : Yeah.

  Louis : Well, I went to the place to get, y'know, and there was, like, a line.

  Dr. Katz : You need a driver's license.

  Louis : I kinda like the fact that every time I get pulled over, even if it's for a broken light, I, they have to take me to jail. So, I don't have to kiss the guy's ass. I have- I get to say anything I want to, really. Because, what's he gonna do? Take me to EXTRA jail?

  Dr. Katz : Right.

  Louis : Y'know, the guy's like, "Do you know how fast you were going?" "I don't know, like, a million? I don't, I, hey, fat pig!" So I had to go to jail. And I had to be strip searched. I'd never been through that before. So I was standing naked in front of this policeman.

  Dr. Katz : Right.

  Louis : And, uh, he says, "Lift." I was like, "Lift what?" And he says, "Lift your testicles." And I was like, "Well, can I use my hands? Or... do you just want me to go, "RISE, TESTICLES! RISE ON MY COMMAND!"

• Louis : I was on a highway the other day and I was driving, and I saw this station wagon, and in the back, there were these two kids.

  Dr. Katz : Mm-hmm.

  Louis : And I'm lookin' at them, and I don't know why, but I just didn't like 'em.

  Dr. Katz : Why didn't you like the kids, Louie?

  Louis : They had that crappy look on their face, just, "Neeehhhh."

  Dr. Katz : Yeah.

  Louis : I don't know what came over me; the father was drivin', it was just their dad and they're in the back, so I just went, BAM! Gave 'em the finger! Just like that, WHAMMO! It felt really good. And their father looked, and I stopped, and then he looked away, and I went WHAM! Right again. And then their father caught me, and he kinda looked at me like, like, "Yeah."

  [father gives a thumbs up in the rearview mirror] 

  Louis : Y'know, like he was thanking me. And I realized that parents must want to do that to their kids all the time.

  Dr. Katz : Yeah.

  Louis : I mean, all, as much as you could love your kids, when your kids go, "Mom, you SAID I could, you never let-" They must just wanna go, "Y'know what?

  [gives the finger] 

  Louis : How do you like that, kid? Right in your face!" Right there, ya little..."