Dr. Katz, Professional Therapist (TV Series)

Henna (1996)

Kevin Meaney: Kevin

Quotes 

• Kevin : I'm trying to lose the weight.

  Dr. Katz : It's not easy, Kevin.

  Kevin : I'm trying! I, I, I'm constantly dieting. I can't lose weight.

  Dr. Katz : Yeah.

  Kevin : I retain everything. I retain air. I stopped going to the "all you can eat" restaurants. "All you can eat"? Think of that, Dr. Katz.

  Dr. Katz : Yeah.

  Kevin : All you can eat? You're not supposed to eat all you can eat! I saw this one restaurant, it was actually called "MORE Than All You Can Eat"! Who goes to these restaurants? HUGE men go to these restaurants.

  [as a customer] 

  Kevin : "I'm not done eating yet. I still have a little bit more room left in my esophagus. Could someone put their foot in my mouth please? Step down in my throat, I know I could get a couple more feedings in. More sour cream please!"

  [as the waitress] 

  Kevin : "Would you like the large fries, the extra large fries, or the valve closer with that?"

  [as the customer] 

  Kevin : "I'll have the valve closer, please, with the complimentary IV import gravy!" Assuming there's no blockage in your colon, would you like to take a look at our dessert wagon? Doo doo! This thing is huge! Teamsters are driving it in! Doo doo! "Cheesecakes here! Cheesecakes here!" And that was never any special kind of cheesecake, except New York imported cheesecake. You ever see that on the menu, Dr. Katz? Imported New York cheesecake? I grew up in New York! I don't remember when I was a kid: "Hey Billy, let's go down to the docks! The cheesecake boats are in!"

  [hyperventilates]