The Dick Van Dyke Show (TV Series)
The Gunslinger (1966)
Richard Deacon: Mel Cooley
Quotes
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Mel Cooley : [entering the sheriff's office] Grab some sky!
[Rob tries to grab some rifles]
Mel Cooley : I wouldn't do that, Sherriff!
Rob Petrie : I can't. Couldn't find a key, eh? Who are you, and what do you want?
Buddy Sorrell : That's Killer Cooley.
Mel Cooley : How could you tell with my hat on?
Buddy Sorrell : [patting Mel's belly] You forgot to cover the ponderosa.
Rob Petrie : So you're Killer Cooley, eh?
Mel Cooley : Right.
Rob Petrie : Bad Brady's weak brother-in-law.
Mel Cooley : Yeah, darn it. And I got a message for you from Bad.
Rob Petrie : That ain't good.
Mel Cooley : He wants me to tell you two things. First, he's coming to town.
Rob Petrie : Over my dead body.
Mel Cooley : That's the second thing.
Rob Petrie : That don't scare me none. I can still handle these irons...
[slaps his legs, forgetting that he doesn't have guns]
Rob Petrie : Oh, boy.
Buddy Sorrell : Sheriff, you keep forgettin' you ain't got no guns.
Mel Cooley : A sheriff without guns?
Rob Petrie : When I quit bein' a gunslinger, I hung up my guns. I ain't wore 'em since.
Sally Rogers : You gave up gun fighting?
Rob Petrie : No, I forgot where I hung 'em. I just don't even... Basement, Ritchie's room, I don't know.
Mel Cooley : Well, you better find 'em, and by tomorrow noon.
Rob Petrie : Why by high noon?
Mel Cooley : 'Cause that's when Bad Brady's coming to town for the show.
Buddy Sorrell : You mean the showdown, stupid.
Mel Cooley : I mean the show, shorty. He wants to see a stage show.
Buddy Sorrell : Oh, hey, I play the cello.
Mel Cooley : Well, you'd better play it good, because if he don't like anybody in the show, he's gonna kill 'em.
Sally Rogers : Nobody's gonna want to be in the show if they know they're gonna get killed.
Mel Cooley : That's the sheriff's problem. And if he don't get a good show together, there's only one person gonna get killed, and that's the sheriff.
Sally Rogers : Are ya scared, Sheriff?
Rob Petrie : Miss Sally, I don't know the meanin' of the word scared.
[pause]
Rob Petrie : Terrified, panic-stricken, I know all those.
