Dharma & Greg (TV Series)
Pilot (1997)
Jenna Elfman: Dharma Finkelstein Montgomery
Photos
Quotes
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Greg Montgomery : [Dharma has unexpectedly shown up at his office] H-how...
Dharma Finkelstein Montgomery : Ho-o-ow did I find you?
Greg Montgomery : [sheepishly] Yeah.
Dharma Finkelstein Montgomery : [holding up a newspaper] "Greg Montgomery, Assistant U.S. Attorney, files Mob indictment." See, that's you right next to the guy with the coat over his head.
Greg Montgomery : This is amazing.
Dharma Finkelstein Montgomery : I know. Is this a wild universe or what?
Greg Montgomery : [laughs] Yeah!
Dharma Finkelstein Montgomery : [holding out her hand] Dharma. Dharma Finkelstein.
Greg Montgomery : "Dharma Finkelstein"?
Dharma Finkelstein Montgomery : Yeah, I know. My dad was Jewish, but he wished he was the Dalai Lama.
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Greg Montgomery : I wouldn't have pegged you for a baseball fan.
Dharma Finkelstein Montgomery : No, I'm not. I just love to listen to organ music and scream. You know, you can scream anything you want at a baseball game, and it doesn't even have to make sense?
Greg Montgomery : No.
Dharma Finkelstein Montgomery : Yep, watch this.
[Dharma stands up]
Dharma Finkelstein Montgomery : Come on, big guy, drive your coffee table to Idaho! Whoo!
[she sits back down]
Dharma Finkelstein Montgomery : Try it, it's fun.
Greg Montgomery : No, that's okay.
Dharma Finkelstein Montgomery : [standing up again] Whoo! Nectarine time! Comb your frog!
Man : Hey, Gidget, shut up.
Greg Montgomery : Excuse me?
Man : I'm not talking to you.
Greg Montgomery : Well, you are now.
Man : Oh, yeah? Who the hell are you?
Greg Montgomery : Greg Montgomery, Justice Department. You have two options. Either you can apologize to the lady, or we'll take a little ride over to Customs and have a chat about these Cuban cigars of yours.
Man : Oh, man. Sorry.
Dharma Finkelstein Montgomery : It's okay.
[Dharma turns to Greg]
Dharma Finkelstein Montgomery : God, that's so sweet. Nobody has ever intimidated someone for me before.
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Greg Montgomery : Uh... Dharma, there's a naked woman in your apartment.
Dharma Finkelstein Montgomery : Abby, I have someone I want you to meet.
Abby O'Neil : What? Oh, I'm sorry.
Dharma Finkelstein Montgomery : [to Greg] She always takes her clothes off when she paints.
Greg Montgomery : Is she your roommate?
Dharma Finkelstein Montgomery : No, it's my mother.
Greg Montgomery : [slightly freaked out] The naked woman is your mother. Do you have any Tums?
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Dharma Finkelstein Montgomery : Maybe I should compromise more. I mean, you must have had to compromise for Larry, right?
Abby O'Neil : Well, not really. Nothing I had to stick with, your father blew out his short term memory back in 1972.
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Dharma Finkelstein Montgomery : [Answering Greg's cellphone] Greg's pants. He's not in them right now. This is Dharma, who's this? Oh, hello Gregory's mother. He's in the shower right now, may I take a message? Lunch at your place? One o'clock? We'll be there! Me and Greg - oh, can we make it two because we're in Nevada.
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Kitty Montgomery : Finkelstein?
Dharma Finkelstein Montgomery : Mm-hmm.
Kitty Montgomery : Edward, what's the name of our Jewish friends?
Edward Montgomery : The Gottliebs, dear.
Kitty Montgomery : Right, the Gottliebs. Do you know them?
Dharma Finkelstein Montgomery : Uh, no. Actually, I wasn't raised Jewish. My dad started his own church though, but no one really came. Well, except the IRS.
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Greg Montgomery : So, what do we do now?
Dharma Finkelstein Montgomery : I don't know. What do you usually do?
Greg Montgomery : Me? Well, I definitely don't fly to Reno for pie. I mean, I'd usually exchange phone numbers with you. We'd start dating. Things would go pretty well at first, until I started calling you too much... then you'd get annoyed, start screening your calls. So I call you really late 'cause I know you'll be home. You pick up, I hang up, you star-69 me. I'm too embarrassed to ever talk to you again, so we break up.
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Dharma Finkelstein Montgomery : Hi Jane!
Jane : [Destroying a motorbike with a baseball bat] Hey Dharma.
Dharma Finkelstein Montgomery : What are you doing?
Jane : Breaking up with Ivan.
Greg Montgomery : Is that his motorbike?
Jane : It used to be. Now it's garbage.
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Dharma Finkelstein Montgomery : Let's go.
Greg Montgomery : Where are we going?
Dharma Finkelstein Montgomery : We have to get to know each other. I mean, we obviously know each other on a spiritual level. Otherwise, we wouldn't be here. But on a practial level, we have a lot of catching up to do.
Greg Montgomery : You lost me.
Dharma Finkelstein Montgomery : I know, but that was another lifetime, and I promise I won't let it happen again. Do you like organ music?
Greg Montgomery : Organ music?
[transition to them at a baseball game]
Greg Montgomery : I gotta admit, he's pretty good.
Dharma Finkelstein Montgomery : I know. Wait 'til he does the Mexican Hat Dance. He rocks.
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Dharma Finkelstein Montgomery : [after Greg defends her from a rude spectator] You deserve a reward.
Greg Montgomery : What'd you have in mind?
Dharma Finkelstein Montgomery : Do you like blueberry pie?
Greg Montgomery : Sure.
Dharma Finkelstein Montgomery : Come on.
Greg Montgomery : But the Giants are winning.
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Greg Montgomery : We're married. I can't believe it. Are we nuts?
Dharma Finkelstein Montgomery : Yeah. But think of the great story we'll be able to tell our children.
Greg Montgomery : [a little thrown] Oh, good. You want to have children.
Dharma Finkelstein Montgomery : Yeah, unless you wanna have 'em.
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Greg Montgomery : We should probably get some sleep.
Dharma Finkelstein Montgomery : Mm, yeah. What time is it?
Greg Montgomery : [finding and checking his watch] Eight a.m.
Dharma Finkelstein Montgomery : Oh, the pie shop just opened!
Greg Montgomery : I'll jump in the shower. Wanna join me?
Dharma Finkelstein Montgomery : Honey, I've been joining you for the last eight hours.
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Greg Montgomery : [in the shower] Honey, what's taking you so long?
Dharma Finkelstein Montgomery : I was talking to your mother.
Greg Montgomery : [the shower stops] What?
Dharma Finkelstein Montgomery : Hurry up. We have to be at your parents' house by 2:00.
Greg Montgomery : [appearing in the doorway] What?
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Dharma Finkelstein Montgomery : This is my husband, Greg.
Jane : Incredible. Congratulations.
Greg Montgomery : Thanks.
Jane : [hugging him] You cause my friend any emotional pain whatsoever, I'll punish you in ways you can't even imagine.
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Dharma Finkelstein Montgomery : Greg, I want you to meet my dog, Stinky. And this... is Stinky's dog, Nunzio.
Greg Montgomery : Stinky has his own dog?
Dharma Finkelstein Montgomery : Yes. It was his bar mitzvah present.
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Dharma Finkelstein Montgomery : [showing Greg her apartment] Well, what do you think?
Greg Montgomery : I've never seen anything like it.
Dharma Finkelstein Montgomery : Good. That's what I was going for.
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Dharma Finkelstein Montgomery : How's the mural coming?
Abby O'Neil : Oh, boy. Well, I had a lot of trouble with the face of God, so on your wall, Adam and Eve are created by Janis Joplin.
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Dharma Finkelstein Montgomery : Larry, this is Greg.
Abby O'Neil : Yeah, and they are about to have sex, so we should probably leave.
Larry Finkelstein : [Greg offers a handshake, but he slaps hands instead] Dig it.
Abby O'Neil : He's cute, don't you think?
Larry Finkelstein : I smell a lawyer.
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Greg Montgomery : I know it's a big surprise, but I need you to trust me on this. I love this woman, and I've never been happier in my life.
Dharma Finkelstein Montgomery : [awkward silence] So, do you guys just hate me?
Greg Montgomery : Dharma, please, let me handle this. Mom, dad, you've gotta believe me. I did the right thing here.
Edward Montgomery : Oh, my god. She's pregnant.
Greg Montgomery : She's not pregnant. I just met her yesterday.
Kitty Montgomery : [calling to the housekeeper] Consuela. Bourbon grande, por favor.
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Edward Montgomery : Greg, can I see you in the study for a moment?
Greg Montgomery : No. Anything you want to say to me, you can say in front of Dharma.
Edward Montgomery : All right. Quite frankly, your mother and I would be lying if we didn't say we're very concerned about this. Now, I don't mean to offend you, Karma.
Dharma Finkelstein Montgomery : Dharma.
Kitty Montgomery : Whatever.
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Edward Montgomery : You're not exactly the type of girl we imagined our son settling down with.
Greg Montgomery : How can you say that? You don't know anything about her.
Edward Montgomery : Fair enough. Dharma, tell us about yourself.
Dharma Finkelstein Montgomery : [Greg gives her a look of encouragement] Well, I train dogs during the day, and then I teach yoga at night.
Kitty Montgomery : That's enough.
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Dharma Finkelstein Montgomery : You guys aren't in love?
Edward Montgomery : This is not about our marriage.
Dharma Finkelstein Montgomery : Well, it should be. I mean, I don't know you two very well, either, but, um, when's the last time you guys had sex?
Greg Montgomery : Okay. That's enough.
Dharma Finkelstein Montgomery : I'm just trying to help.
Greg Montgomery : Honey, I know. It's just that, uh... for now, why don't we have our lunch and talk about this another time?
Kitty Montgomery : Excellent suggestion.
Edward Montgomery : Splendid.
Greg Montgomery : The salmon's delicious.
Edward Montgomery : Yes, it is. Is this the same sauce she usually makes?
Kitty Montgomery : I believe it is, yes. Oh, Bunny got her own golf cart.
Edward Montgomery : Gas or electric?
Dharma Finkelstein Montgomery : [sensing the awkward atmosphere] You know, you guys should try doing it outside.
Greg Montgomery : Dharma.
Dharma Finkelstein Montgomery : No, I'm serious. In a big field where you could get caught.
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Dharma Finkelstein Montgomery : Well, that didn't go very well, did it?
Greg Montgomery : No, it was great. Especially where you suggested my mother buy a shower massage and learn to "fly solo."
Dharma Finkelstein Montgomery : Come on, Greg. They're in separate bedrooms.
Greg Montgomery : Dharma, be reasonable. You can't just say whatever you think whenever you want.
Dharma Finkelstein Montgomery : Why not?
Greg Montgomery : Why not? Because what happens when we're out to dinner with, I don't know, the Attorney General? Are you gonna sit there and rave about high colonics?
Dharma Finkelstein Montgomery : I'm telling you, Greg, it would change your father's life.
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Greg Montgomery : Damn it, Dharma, if you're not willing to play the game even a little, we've got a major problem here.
Dharma Finkelstein Montgomery : Don't yell at me.
Greg Montgomery : I'm not yelling. I'm just trying to make you understand.
Dharma Finkelstein Montgomery : Understand what? That you married me because of who I am and now you want me to change into a totally different person?
Greg Montgomery : Yes!
Dharma Finkelstein Montgomery : Yes?
Greg Montgomery : I mean, no. Only part of the time.
Dharma Finkelstein Montgomery : Well, I can't do that, because that is totally dishonest.
Greg Montgomery : Now, come on, you can't go around being honest all the time.
Dharma Finkelstein Montgomery : Yeah, you can.
Greg Montgomery : Oh, really?
Dharma Finkelstein Montgomery : Yeah, maybe you should try it sometime.
Greg Montgomery : Fine. You want honesty? I think you're being a child.
Dharma Finkelstein Montgomery : Child?
Greg Montgomery : Yes. You're completely unwilling to compromise. You're like a three year old.
Greg Montgomery : Oh...
[she blows a raspberry]
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Dharma Finkelstein Montgomery : I was just so sure he was the one.
Abby O'Neil : I know, darling. Maybe someday he will be. That's what reincarnation is for.
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Larry Finkelstein : I can't believe my daughter got married, and to a fed.
Abby O'Neil : Calm down, Larry.
Larry Finkelstein : This is your fault, Abby. "Let her get an Easy-Bake Oven. What harm will it do?"
Dharma Finkelstein Montgomery : I'm the one who made the decision, Larry. I'm an adult now.
Larry Finkelstein : I know, baby. But I don't want to see you living in a house with a fence and a car that you drive kids to soccer practice in. Come on. We raised you better than that.
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Greg Montgomery : What took you so long?
Dharma Finkelstein Montgomery : Shut up!
Greg Montgomery : No, you shut up!