Desperate Housewives (TV Series)

Pilot (2004)

Marcia Cross: Bree Van De Kamp

Photos 

Quotes 

• Rex : Since when do you make mistakes?

  Bree : What's that supposed to mean?

  Rex : It means I'm sick of you being so damn perfect all the time. I'm sick of the bizarre way your hair doesn't move. I'm sick of you making our bed in the morning before I've even used the bathroom. You're this, this plastic suburban housewife, with her pearls and her spatula, who says things like, "we owe the Hendersons a dinner." Where's the woman I fell in love with? Who used to burn the toast and drink milk out of the carton? And laugh? I need her. Not this cold, perfect thing you've become.

• Rex : I can't believe you tried to kill me.

  Bree : Yes, well, I feel badly about that.

• Danielle Van De Kamp : Why can't we ever have normal soup?

  Bree : Danielle, there is nothing abnormal about basil puree.

  Danielle Van De Kamp : Just once, can we have a soup that people have heard of. Like French Onion, or Navy Bean?

  Bree : First of all, your Father can't eat onions. He's deathly allergic. And I won't even dignify your navy bean suggestion.

  [turns to Andrew] 

  Bree : So, how's the osso buco?

  Andrew Van De Kamp : It's okay.

  Bree : It's okay? Andrew, I spent three hours cooking this meal. How do you think it makes me feel when you say "it's okay" in that sullen tone?

  Andrew Van De Kamp : Who asked you to spend three hours on dinner?

  Bree : [shocked]  Excuse me?

  Andrew Van De Kamp : Tim Harper's Mom gets home from work, pops open a can of pork and beans, and boom, they're eating. Everyone's happy.

  Bree : You'd rather I serve pork and beans?

  Danielle Van De Kamp : [turns to Andrew]  Apologize now, I am begging.

  Andrew Van De Kamp : I'm saying, do you always have to serve cuisine? Can't we ever just have food?

  Bree : Are you doing drugs?

  Andrew Van De Kamp : What?

  Bree : Change in behavior is one of the warning signs and you have been as fresh as paint for the last six months. That certainly would explain why you're always locked in the bathroom.

  Danielle Van De Kamp : Trust me, that is not what he is doing.

  Andrew Van De Kamp : Shut up.

  [to Bree] 

  Andrew Van De Kamp : Mom, I'm not the one with the problem, all right. You're the one who's acting like she's running for Mayor of Stepford.

  Bree : [at the dinner table]  Rex, seeing that you're the head of this household I would really appreciate it if you said something.

  Rex : Pass the salt?

• Rex : [after Rex has asked for a divorce in a family restaurant]  Are we gonna talk about what I said?

  Bree : [to Rex]  If you think I'm gonna discuss the dissolution of my marriage in a place where the restrooms are labeled "Chicks" and "Dudes", you are out of your mind.

• Gabrielle Solis : What's that?

  Bree : It's a letter addressed to Mary Alice.