- [The coffin in which Mr. Blewitt's brother is inside has been unscrewed.]
- Mr. Blewitt: Hey, my brother's got a screw loose!
- Pte. Charles Godfrey: Oh dear. They say there's one in most families.
- Mainwaring: Well, let this be a vital lesson for us all. For the want of a nail, a shoe was lost. For the want of a shoe, a horse was lost. For the want of a horse, the battle was lost.
- Jones: Hence the expression: 'Keep your hair on'.
- [last lines]
- Mainwaring: [on the phone] Captain Rogers? Ah. I've got something rather serious to report. One of my men is miss...
- [He trails off as he notices the missing butterfly spring that Frazer is holding up in front of him. He takes it, and hands the phone to Wilson]
- Mainwaring: Deal with that, Wilson.
- [Wilson passes the phone to Godfrey]
- Pte. Charles Godfrey: [on the phone] What? I don't... I don't quite understand. Have you an account with us, sir?
- Frazer: I won't have to clean that thing for three weeks.
- Mainwaring: That is not the right attitude to adopt Frazer. You should consider it an honour and a privilege to use this Lewis gun.
- Frazer: I think it's a privilege us ever getting a look in with you and the Sergeant using it all the time.
- Mainwaring: That'll do. That'll do. The butterfly spring seems to be missing from here Frazer.
- Frazer: What? Oh aye. So it is. I must have left it in me workshop.
- Mainwaring: Your workshop?
- Frazer: Aye. I took the gun home to be cleaned.
- Mainwaring: Look. For a start you've got no right to take that gun off these premises. Most of all that gun is totally useless without it's butterfly spring. If a Nazi Storm Trooper came rushing in from the sky you could do nothing with that but hit him with it.
- Jones: Permission to speak sir. If Frazer hit him with it, it wouldn't half make his eyes water.
- Frazer: [about Jones' not volunteering to dig up a coffin] He never volunteers for anything unless Captain Mainwaring's watching.
- Jones: That's a very hurtful thing to say, I'm not a bit like that. Very well, I will volunteer to do this grisly thing.
- Frazer: Ah. Tell Captain Mainwaring after.
- Jones: Listen, if it wasn't for my age, I'd punch your 'ead in. As it is, I am giving you formal notice I shall not honour your meat coupons.
- Mainwaring: Just let it be a lesson for all of us.
- Pte. Frank Pike: Yeah. For the want of a battle, a horse was nailed.
- Pte. Joe Walker: [Mainwaring and Wilson are blowing on their hands] Cor blimey if you two are cold I can sell you a pair of gloves, twelve and six a pair. Virgin wool, that's a sheep that can run faster...
- Mainwaring: All right, all right
- Jones: [referring to Mr. Blewitt's brother, Horace] Think of that, Sidney. He was only standing in my shop on Wednesday, and I served him with two books' worth of best end and neck.
- Mr. Blewitt: Yeah. He come home here, he put the shopping down on the table, and unwrapped that very piece of meat that you'd just served him with.
- Jones: You never know, do you?
- Mr. Blewitt: No. You never do. And do you know what the very last words he said?
- Jones: No, what were they?
- Mr. Blewitt: He stood there, where Mr. Frazer's standing now, with the meat in his hand. Look at that! he says. All bloody bone! And the very next second he was gone!