Coupling (TV Series)

The Girl with Two Breasts (2000)

Ben Miles: Patrick Maitland

Quotes 

• Steve Taylor : There are times I worry about the way you see women.

  Jeff : I see women as people in their own right.

  Patrick Maitland : In many ways, they *are*.

  Steve Taylor : You see women as transport for breasts!

  Jeff : Hey, I can see past breasts now, Steve. I need more than that.

  Steve Taylor : Yeah, I can tell.

  Jeff : I need breasts with brains. I don't mean *individual* brains, obviously. Besides, you give breasts the power of independent thought, and the next thing is, they don't get on. There's a clash of personalities.

• [trying to come up with title for a movie about breasts that have brains] 

  Patrick Maitland : The Girl With Two Brains.

  Steve Taylor : Three brains, Patrick.

  Patrick Maitland : Oh, yeah, I forgot about that one!

• Steve : [to Jeff]  When you say things like nudity buffer, you actually expect people to know what you mean?

  Jeff : Alright, when you first see a woman you like you have a buffer of about five minutes before you have fully mapped out what she looks like naked.

  Patrick : A full five?

  Jeff : You have to asses her nipple type and that takes time.

  Patrick : Oh yeah good point.

• Patrick Maitland : "Wobble Wars."

  Steve Taylor : What?

  Patrick Maitland : "Wobble Wars," the title for the new porn film about the battling breast-brains.

• Patrick Maitland : Forget the nudity buffer. She just did another glance.

  Jeff : Forget it? Forget the power of the buffer, Patrick? Did I ever tell you about the little redhead in my office?

  Patrick Maitland : Never mind about the little redhead...

  Jeff : Been there two years but I missed the buffer. That redhead has been naked in my head for two years now, performing *deviant* sex acts that would make the world's top porn stars go white and steady themselves on the furniture. I lose the ability to speak the moment she comes into the room. Every time she passes me in a corridor, I walk sideways into the wall. She thinks I'm a mute with a balance problem.

• Patrick : Did you see that?

  Steve Taylor : Yeah, yeah I certainly did.

  Patrick : You got a glance, Jeff.

  Steve Taylor : Yeah, that was confirmed. We have confirmed glancing!

  Patrick : Okay, Jeff, maximize your advantage. Get over there and talk to her. Don't say "breasts!"

• [Steve and Patrick are trying to get Jeff to speak to a beautiful girl who's been eyeing him all evening] 

  Steve : If she touches her hair, you're in.

  Jeff : Her hair?

  Patrick : Yeah, their second thought is always to worry about their hair.

  Jeff : What, when they se someone they like?

  Patrick : ...Just generally.

  [the Girl teases the end of her hair] 

  Patrick : This is not a drill!