Coupling (TV Series)

Faithless (2002)

Ben Miles: Patrick Maitland

Quotes 

• Jeff : Have you ever tried to pull out during an 'h'?

  Steve : Jeff, the world in all it's fabulous diversity is entirely populated by people who have never tried to 'pull out' during an 'h'

  Jeff : Yeah, and you know why? It isn't a proper letter. It's just a 'hhuuh' noise. Once you've started on the 'hhuuh' you've basically 'hhuuhed' so what could I say? 'Hello?' 'How are you'? 'Hippo'?

  Patrick : Hippo?

  Jeff : You can't say hippo. You don't want to come off sounding like some surreal cupboard loitering lunatic.

• Patrick : [on the phone to Jeff]  We have our advisers online.

  Steve : [pointing at Susan and Sally]  That's you two.

  Susan : This is ridiculous! Why does he need us to translate for him? Women aren't a completely different species, you know.

  Patrick : [on the phone]  Jeff, women AREN'T a completely different species.

  Steve : He just needs to find out if it's a friendly drink or a date drink. He'll do friendly but he won't do date.

  Sally : Why doesn't he know already?

  Steve : Because he is Jeff, and there's no known cure.

• Steve : Look, it is not physically possible for a man to know what a woman wants. Which is very unfair. Because you always know what we want.

  Patrick : Yeah, because we always have the common decency to only ever want one thing. And do you ever thank us for making it so simple? Never.

• Steve : It is not scientifically possible for a man to know what a woman wants. And that's not fair, because you always know what we want.

  Patrick : Because we always have the decency to only want one thing.

  Steve : And do you ever thank us for making it that simple?

  Patrick : Never!

• Patrick : So what happened next?

  Jeff : She took a large stapler from one of the shelves.

  Patrick : A *large* stapler?

  [Steve stares at him] 

  Patrick : Sorry, it's hard to tell which part of the story is meant to be interesting.