Cheers (TV Series)

Birth, Death, Love and Rice (1985)

Ted Danson: Sam Malone

Photos 

Quotes 

• Sam Malone : Carla, uh, I'd like you to meet Woody Boyd. Woody, this is Carla Tortelli.

  Woody Boyd : Hi ma'am.

  Carla Tortelli : Ma'am? What's that supposed to mean?

  Woody Boyd : I believe it's a term of respect.

  Carla Tortelli : No wonder it sounded so weird.

• Dr. Frasier Crane : [after telling the story of how Diane left him at the altar]  The story of my humiliation spread like wildfire through the university, and then to the entire Italian countryside. Everyone knew about it, everyone knew about my shame.

  Sam Malone : No, you must have been imagining it.

  Dr. Frasier Crane : Oh, was I? Do you know that in soccer, when a player kicks at the ball, misses and falls down, it's now called a 'Frasier'?

  Sam Malone : That could be a coincidence.

  Dr. Frasier Crane : If he's knocked cold, it's called a 'Frasier Crane'!

• Dr. Frasier Crane : [about Diane leaving him at the altar]  I've lost everything Malone: my tenure, my practice and my Diane. My life is ruined and it's all your fault. Don't you think someone should pay for that?

  [Frasier pulls out a gun and points it in Sam's direction] 

  Sam Malone : If by someone you mean someone in this room, I, I can honesty answer no, I don't. Oh, come on.

  [suddenly becomes calmer] 

  Sam Malone : Ah, wait a second. What are you doing? The gun's not even loaded.

  Dr. Frasier Crane : Certainly it's loaded.

  Sam Malone : No it isn't.

  Dr. Frasier Crane : Oh, of course you know it's not, because Frasier Crane is a harmless person, who never caused you a moment's concern, not a moment's worry, who was never a threat to your relationship with Diane, and he isn't a threat now. Is that it, Sam?

  Sam Malone : [points in the gun's direction]  No, it's just that the little holes there are empty.

• Sam Malone : [at a convent]  You wouldn't happen to know where a men's room was around here, would you?

  Diane Chambers : Sam, would you put a men's room in a convent?

  Sam Malone : Right now, I would, yes.

• Sam Malone : [visiting Diane at the convent]  Hi, Diane.

  Diane Chambers : Hi, Sam.

  [Diane does a double take] 

  Diane Chambers : AHHHH!

• Norm Peterson : You know how I've been trying to get Vera pregnant? Congratulate me.

  Sam Malone : Hey, hey!

  [there is general excitement with Cliff, Carla and Sam] 

  Sam Malone : Whoa, I think this calls for champagne, here.

  Norm Peterson : Why, thank you Sam.

  Sam Malone : What sex do you want it to be?

  Norm Peterson : Sex? Come on, I thought you just ask for the vintage, you know. Wait, wait, I see your mistake. Vera's not with child. She just told me I didn't have to try and get her pregnant anymore. Let's celebrate, come on, party!

• [Frasier has finished telling Sam about Diane's debauchery in Italy after she left him at the altar] 

  Sam Malone : [Incredulous]  Diane, dancing on tabletops? You mean, my-- your-- our... *the* Diane?

  Dr. Frasier Crane : Yes. All of them.

• Sam Malone : [after hearing about how Diane left Frasier, and assuring Frasier that he was over Diane]  If you know what's good for you, I think you should forget about her too.

  Dr. Frasier Crane : [Ruefully]  Oh, I'll forget about her. I'll forget about her when the moon turns to ashes and the birds sing nevermore.

  Sam Malone : [Upbeat; slaps Frasier on the shoulder]  There you go!