- Joanne: [as part of her on-screen newscast] And Keller is scheduled to be executed on Friday. I guess he won't be around then for the Patriots-Buffalo game on Sunday.
- Rebecca Howe: [to Sam about giving him time off to do his sportscasts] I figure one of two things will happen. Either you'll do well, they'll offer you a job and I'll never see you again. Or, you'll screw up, humiliate yourself, come back here a crushed and broken man. Either way, I win.
- Dave Richards: [trying to convince Sam to fill in as sportscaster] Come on Sam, you'd be great. You talk good like me and you're handsome.
- Dave Richards: [to Rebecca after first laying eyes on her] I make an ungodly amount of money and I know exactly how to use it.
- Rebecca Howe: You must be a friend of Mr. Malone's.
- Dave Richards: Well, you know what they say, the good looking ones travel in pairs. And that certainly is true in your case.
- Rebecca Howe: Do you have the time?
- Dave Richards: 4:30.
- Rebecca Howe: Good, because I just wanted to remember the exact moment I met the biggest jerk on Earth.
- [Sam laughs at Dave]
- Dave Richards: [to Sam] Tough woman, tough woman.
- Sam Malone: You got that right. I wear a cup to work.
- Dr. Frasier Crane: Sam, may I suggest deception.
- Cliff Clavin: Well, ah, hold on to your horses there, Frasier. I mean, as a psychiatrist, isn't it your job to seek and uphold the truth?
- Dr. Frasier Crane: Oh, get real, Cliff.
- Carla Tortelli: [about their new green uniform] I hate this uniform. It's ugly. It makes me look like a beached whale. And on top of everything, I can't find any earrings to go with it.
- Sam Malone: Try some broccoli.
- Carla Tortelli: Ha, ha. I mean it Sam, I really hate it.
- Woody Boyd: I used to like it, but now I'm getting kind of tired of it. Feel like I'm wearing the same thing every day.