- Buffy Summers: Uh, what should we do with the trio over here? Should we burn them?
- Willow Rosenberg: I brought marshmallows.
- [everyone looks at her]
- Willow Rosenberg: Occasionally I'm callous and strange.
- Rupert Giles: Uh, Xander, um, I think in the future perhaps it would be best if you-you, uh, hung back to the rear of the battle, for your own sake.
- Xander Harris: [facetiously] But, gee, Mr. White, if Clark and Lois get all the good stories, I'll *never* be a good reporter.
- Rupert Giles: Hmm?
- Xander Harris: Jimmy Olsen joke, sir. Pretty much gonna be lost on you, huh?
- Xander Harris: But... it's just that it's bugging me... this "cool" thing. I mean, what is it...? How do you get it? Who doesn't have it. And who decides who doesn't have it? What is the essence of cool?
- Oz: Not sure.
- Xander Harris: I mean, you yourself, Oz, are considered more or less cool. Why is that?
- Oz: Am I?
- Xander Harris: Is it about the talking? You know, the way you tend to express yourself in short, noncommittal phrases?
- Oz: Could be.
- Xander Harris: No. You're in a band. That's like a business-class ticket to cool with complimentary mojo after takeoff. I gotta learn an instrument. Is it hard to play guitar?
- Oz: Not the way I play it.
- Cordelia Chase: It must be really hard when all your friends have, like, superpowers, Slayer, werewolf, witches, vampires, and you're, like, this little nothing. You must feel like... Jimmy Olsen.
- Xander Harris: [laughs] I was just talking to... Hey, mind your own business.
- Cordelia Chase: Ooh, I struck a nerve. The boy that had no cool.
- Xander Harris: I happen to be an integral part of that group. I happen to have a *lot* to offer.
- Cordelia Chase: Oh, please.
- Xander Harris: I do.
- Cordelia Chase: "Integral part" of the group? Xander, you're the-the *useless* part of the group. You're the Zeppo. "Cool." Look it up. It's something that a sub-literate that's repeated twelfth grade three times has and you don't.
- Cordelia Chase: [leaving, talking to herself] There was no part of that that wasn't fun.
- Xander Harris: Listen, do you guys need any help?
- Rupert Giles: Hm? Oh, no, no. Thank you. Probably, uh, best if you-you stay out of trouble.
- Xander Harris: No chance of that.
- Jack O'Toole: Xander! Motor!
- Rupert Giles: There's something... different about this... menace. Something in the air... The stench of death.
- Xander Harris: Yeah, I think it's Bob.
- Willow Rosenberg: And if it opens?
- Buffy Summers: Do you remember the demon that almost got out the night I died?
- Willow Rosenberg: Every nightmare I have that doesn't revolve around academic failure or public nudity is about that thing. In fact, once I dreamt that it attacked me while I was late for a test and naked.
- Buffy Summers: Well, it'll be the first to come out and Giles says it won't be the worst by a long shot.
- [first lines]
- Willow Rosenberg: [incanting] Obscurate nos non diutius.
- [smoke appears and Buffy and Giles fight and pin the demon to a wall]
- Buffy Summers: [to Faith] Now!
- [Faith stabs and kills the demon with a sword]
- Rupert Giles: I think that was the last.
- Buffy Summers: Oh, Willow, you okay?
- Willow Rosenberg: Yeah, I'm fine. The-The shaking is-is a side-effect of the fear.
- Xander Harris: But you need a thing... one thing nobody else has... What do I have?
- Oz: An exciting new obsession, which I feel makes you very special.
- Xander Harris: Yeah. Great knife. Although I think, um, it may, technically, be a-a sword.
- Jack O'Toole: She's called Katie.
- Xander Harris: You gave it a girl's name. How very serial killer of you.
- Xander Harris: Why is it that I've come face-to-face with vampires, demons, the most hideous creatures Hell ever spit out, and I'm still afraid of a little bully like Jack O'Toole?
- Cordelia Chase: Because, unlike all those other creatures that you've come face-to-face with, Jack actually noticed you were there.
- Xander Harris: Why am I surprised by how comforting you're not?
- Buffy Summers: And, you know, with the pain and then the death maybe you shouldn't be leaping into the fray like that. Maybe you should be... fray-adjacent.
- Xander Harris: Excuse me? Who, at a crucial moment distracted the lead demon by allowing her to pummel him about the head?
- Faith: Yeah. That was real manly how you shrieked and all.
- Xander Harris: I think you'll find that was more of a bellow.
- Cordelia Chase: [to Xander] Boy, of all the humiliations you've had I've witnessed, that was the latest.
- [last lines]
- Cordelia Chase: [to Xander] Ooh, look, it's Mr. Excitement. On another life-or-death doughnut mission or are we just cruising for bimbos again, giving them lessons in lack of cool?
- [Xander just stands with a small smile on his face]
- Cordelia Chase: What?
- [Xander starts to walk away]
- Cordelia Chase: What...? *What*?
- Xander Harris: I'll take 2 glazed, 2 cinnamon couple cream-filled and a jelly. No, no. Let's round that out to 4 jellies.
- Cordelia Chase: [entering] Ooh, is some evil going on? Must be big for them to entrust you with this daredevil mission.
- Xander Harris: Cordelia. Feel free to drop dead of a wasting disease in the next 20 seconds.
- Cordelia Chase: Ooh, again, I strike the nerve. I am the surgeon of mean.
- [after a demon attack during which Xander hid]
- Xander Harris: If anyone sees my spine layin' around, just try not to step on it.
- Rupert Giles: The Sisterhood of Jhe... is an apocalypse cult. They exist solely to bring about the world's destruction and we've not seen the last of them. More will follow.