- Big Ugly: When I kill her, it'll be the greatest event since the Crucifixion. And I should know. I was there.
- Spike: You were there? Oh, please! If every vampire who said he was at the Crucifixion was actually there, it would have been like Woodstock.
- Big Ugly: I oughta rip your throat out.
- Spike: I was actually at Woodstock. That was a weird gig. I fed off a flower person, and I spent the next six hours watchin' my hand move.
- Drusilla: Do you like daisies? I plant them but they always die. Everything I put in the ground withers and dies.
- Xander Harris: So, when you gave him my neck to chew on, why didn't you clock him before he had a chance to clock you?
- Angel: I told you. I couldn't make the first move. I had to see if he was buying it or not.
- Xander Harris: A-and if he bit me, what then?
- Angel: We would've known he bought it.
- [Angel disappears from the room]
- Xander Harris: Okay, that's it. I'm puttin' a collar with a little bell on that guy.
- Cordelia Chase: [praying] And if you get me out of this, I swear I'll never be mean to anyone ever again. Unless they *really* deserve it. Or if it's that time of the month. In which case I don't think you or anyone else can hold me responsible...
- Willow Rosenberg: Ask for some aspirin.
- Cordelia Chase: And can you please send some asp- Hey!
- Rupert Giles: [reading] "For three nights the unholy ones scourge themselves into a fury, um, culminating in a savage attack on the Night of St. Vigeous."
- Xander Harris: Does anybody remember when Saturday night meant date night?
- Cordelia Chase: You sure don't.
- Xander Harris: It's no biggie. You'll have a nice soiree. Your parents will love it. As long as nothing really bad happens between now and then, you'll be fine.
- Buffy Summers: Are you crazy? What did you say that for? Now something bad is gonna happen.
- Xander Harris: What do you mean? Nothing's gonna happen.
- Willow Rosenberg: Not until some dummy says, "As long as nothing bad happens."
- Buffy Summers: It's the ultimate jinx.
- Willow Rosenberg: What were you thinking? Or were you even thinking at all?
- Buffy Summers: Do we really need weapons for this?
- Spike: I just like them. They make me feel all manly.
- Drusilla: [about her favorite doll Miss Edith] Miss Edith speaks out of turn. She's a bad example and will have no cakes today.
- Spike: So. How 'bout this Slayer? Is she tough?
- [Cut to Buffy's room. She's standing at her mirror, trying to brush her hair]
- Buffy Summers: Ow!
- Joyce Summers: What's wrong?
- Buffy Summers: I spent a good part of my allowance on this new cream rinse, and it's neither creamy nor rinsey.
- Joyce Summers: Life is hard, dear.
- Buffy Summers: Don't I know it.
- [studies her image critically]
- Buffy Summers: Is that a split end?
- Joyce Summers: I got the mail.
- Buffy Summers: Good.
- Joyce Summers: Which included a reminder notice about Parent-Teacher night. Thursday.
- Buffy Summers: [in trepidation] That's good.
- Joyce Summers: Which you were planning on telling me about...?
- Buffy Summers: Oh, for... the last two weeks.
- Joyce Summers: Uh-huh. So, what do you think your teachers are gonna tell me about you?
- Buffy Summers: Well, I think they'll all agree that I always bring a pen to class, ready to absorb the knowledge.
- Joyce Summers: And, uh, this absorption rate? How is it reflected in your homework and test scores?
- Buffy Summers: What can you really tell about a person from a test score?
- Joyce Summers: Whether or not she's ever going out with her friends again.
- [Buffy blanches]
- Joyce Summers: Well, I'm looking forward to meeting your new principal.
- Buffy Summers: Won't that be something?
- [after watching Buffy slay a vampire, Spike comes out of the shadows, slowly clapping his hands]
- Spike: Nice work, love.
- Buffy Summers: Who are you?
- Spike: You'll find out on Saturday.
- Buffy Summers: What happens on Saturday?
- Spike: I kill you.
- Willow Rosenberg: She was already smoking in fifth grade. Once I was lookout for her.
- Xander Harris: You're bad to the bone.
- Willow Rosenberg: I'm a rebel.
- Buffy Summers: We were at the Bronze before. Thought you said you might show?
- Angel: You said you weren't sure if you were going.
- Buffy Summers: I was being cool. Come on. You've been dating for, what, like, two hundred years? You don't know what a girl means when she says maybe she'll show?
- Willow Rosenberg: Wow. Two centuries of dating. If you only had two a year, that's still like four-hundred dates with four-hundred different...
- [Buffy looks at her and she looks at a weapon on the table]
- Willow Rosenberg: Why do they call it a mace?
- Parent: I'm not waiting for them to open the doors. I'm getting out!
- Joyce Summers: Don't be an idiot.
- Principal Snyder: I'm beginning to see a certain mother/daughter resemblance.
- [last lines]
- Spike: How's the Annoying One?
- Drusilla: He doesn't wanna play.
- Spike: It figures. Well, I suppose I'd better go make nice.
- [He walks over to the Anointed One and kneels before him]
- The Anointed One: You failed.
- Spike: I, um... I offer penance.
- Vampire: Penance? You should lay down your life! Our numbers are depleted. The Feast of St. Vigeous has been ruined by your impatience!
- Spike: I was rash... And if I had to do it all over again...
- [laughs]
- Spike: Who am I kidding? I would do it exactly the same, only I'd do this...
- [grabs the Anointed One]
- The Anointed One: No!
- Spike: ...first!
- [Spike sticks The Anointed One in the nearby cage and starts pulling a chain, lifting the cage up from the floor]
- Spike: From now on, we're gonna have a little less ritual... and a little more fun around here.
- [the cage is lifted into the sunlight. The Anointed One screams as he dies]
- Spike: Let's see what's on TV.
- [Principal Snyder and the Police Chief are surveying the school after the vampire attack]
- Police Chief Bob: I need to say something to the media people.
- Principal Snyder: So?
- Police Chief Bob: So, do you want the usual story? Gang-related? PCP?
- Principal Snyder: What'd you have in mind? The truth?
- Police Chief Bob: Right... Gang-related. PCP.
- [first lines]
- Principal Snyder: A lot of educators tell students, "Think of your principal as your pal." I say, "Think of me as your judge, jury, and executioner." Tell me, who do you think is the most troublesome student in this school?
- [Sheila and Buffy look at one another]
- Principal Snyder: Well, it is quite a match between you two. On the one hand, Buffy hasn't stabbed a horticulture teacher with a trowel.
- Sheila Martini: I didn't stab no one with a trowel. They were pruning shears.
- Principal Snyder: On the other hand, Sheila has never burnt down a school building.
- Buffy Summers: Well, that was never proven. The Fire Marshall said it-it coulda been mice.
- Principal Snyder: Mice.
- Buffy Summers: Mice that were smoking?
- Principal Snyder: The two of you seem to be tied in the class-cutting and fight-starting events. You really are neck and neck here. It's quite exciting.
- Sheila Martini: [smirking] What does the winner get?
- Principal Snyder: Expelled.
- Spike: Me and Dru, we're movin' in... Now... Any of you wanna test who's got the biggest wrinklies 'round here... step on up.
- [to The Anointed One]
- Spike: I'll do your Slayer for you. But you keep your flunkies from tryin' anything behind my back. Deal?
- [the Anointed One nods]
- Drusilla: I can't see her. The Slayer. I can't see. It's dark where she is. Kill her. Kill her, Spike. Kill her for me?
- Spike: It's done, baby.
- Drusilla: Kill her for Princess?
- Spike: I'll chop her into messes.
- Rupert Giles: [looking at a book] Oh, there you are.
- Jenny Calendar: There who is?
- Rupert Giles: Our new friend Spike. He's known as William the Bloody. Earned his nickname by torturing his victims with railroad spikes. Very pleasant. Oh, here's some good news. He's barely two hundred. He's not even as old as Angel is... Oh.
- Xander Harris: That's a bad look, right?
- Rupert Giles: I think your suggestion of running away this Saturday might have been a good one. Spike has fought two Slayers in the last century, and... he's killed them both.
- [to the remains of the Order of Aurelius]
- Spike: Do you know what I find works real good with Slayers? Killing them.
- Rupert Giles: Spike. That's what the other vampire called him? That's a little unorthodox, isn't it?
- Buffy Summers: Maybe he's Reform.
- Cordelia Chase: Giles has us locked up in that library working on your weapons. Even slaves get minimum wage.
- Buffy Summers: La vâche... doit me... touche... de la... jeudi. Was it wrong? Should I use the plural?
- Willow Rosenberg: No, but... You said, "The cow should touch me from Thursday."
- Buffy Summers: Maybe that's what I was feeling.
- Willow Rosenberg: Then you said it wrong.
- Buffy Summers: Oh, je stink.
- Spike: I'll tell you what. As a personal favor from me to you, I'll make it quick. It won't hurt a bit.
- Buffy Summers: No, Spike. It's gonna hurt a lot.
- [trying to keep the principal away from her mother at Parent-Teacher night]
- Principal Snyder: Was that your mother?
- Buffy Summers: Here.
- [spills lemonade on purpose]
- Buffy Summers: Oh! Oh, sorry! Um, yeah! Yeah, I was gonna introduce you, but, um, she wouldn't have said much. Y'know, she doesn't speak a word of English.
- Buffy Summers: Cordelia, I have at least three lives to contend with, none of which really mesh. It's kind of like oil and water and a... third unmeshable thing.
- [Trapped by vampires in a school room]
- Buffy Summers: You can't go outside. They'll kill you.
- Principal Snyder: You don't tell me. I tell you.
- Buffy Summers: They will kill everybody in this room. Nobody goes out, nobody comes in until I say so. Do you hear me?
- Principal Snyder: Who do you think you are?
- Buffy Summers: I'm the one that knows how to stop them.
- Buffy Summers: You shouldn't have come here.
- Spike: No. I messed up your doilies and stuff. But I just got so bored.
- Cordelia Chase: My fingers are cramping. How long have I been doing this?
- Xander Harris: [impatiently] Three minutes.
- Cordelia Chase: So, can I go now? She doesn't need this many stakes. I mean, if this guy Spike is as mean as you all say, it should be over pretty quickly.
- [as Buffy looks up:]
- Cordelia Chase: We're still all rooting for you on Saturday. I'd be there myself if I didn't have a leg wax.