Photos
Quotes
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[Eddie is in a sex shop talking to the assistant behind the counter]
Sex Shop Assistant : Can I help you sir?
Eddie : Hhhh, hhhhhhhh! This is a sex shop isn't it?
Sex Shop Assistant : Yes.
Eddie : [slaps money down on the counter] I'll have five quid's worth then!
Sex Shop Assistant : Very droll, sir. I've never heard that one before.
Eddie : Haven't you? Shall I tell it again?
Sex Shop Assistant : No thank you sir, I'd rather have a pineapple inserted violently into my rectum.
Eddie : You've been working here too long mate.
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Eddie : I don't think they were lesbians, Richie, 'cause they got off with those other blokes. Those, er, handsomer, wittier, erm... well basically those two guys who didn't have a load of toilet paper stuffed down their trousers.
Richie : Yeah, well you hardly helped, did you? Stuffing a Vimto bottle down the front of your pants and shouting "Woohoo, looking for the Eiffel Tower girls?"
Eddie : I got a result!
Richie : I don't call a kick in the knackers a result.
Eddie : A free drink!
Richie : Oh yes, a kick in the knackers and a vodka and tonic in the face.
Eddie : Always keep your mouth open when you're insulting a lady.
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Richie : Let's just be economical with the truth, errrm, something, buck, yeah hot young buck.
Eddie : What about badger?
Richie : No, no I'm more a sort of...
Eddie : HEDGHOG!
Richie : No fox! That's good, no that is good.
Eddie : Stoat!
Richie : Foxy Stoat? Yeah! It's gotta a ring to it... foxy stoat seeks...
Eddie : Pig!
Richie : Foxy Stoat Seeks Pig! Oh Shut up Eddie!
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Richie : Why doesn't anyone want to have any sex with me?
Eddie : Well look on the bright side, Richie, at least you're not gonna get any sexually transmitted diseases.
Richie : You're right there, I'll be lucky to catch flu off a girl! In fact, that was the nearest I got to sex when that bus conductress sneezed all over my head this morning. Talk about the green line! Oh Eddie, I'm just so depressed.
Eddie : Oh cheer up, Richie, there's loads and loads of ugly birds in the world, one of them's bound to so it with you sooner or later.
Richie : But there must be some way I can get a woman to sleep with me. I mean she doesn't even have to sleep with me, it's the staying awake bit I'm interested in.
Eddie : Hey, I've just had a fantastic idea!
Richie : Oh great!
[Eddie finishes his pint]
Richie : Well?
Eddie : What?
Richie : What was the fantastic idea?
Eddie : To drink that!
[Richie tuts]
Eddie : Only joking. Why not put an ad in a lonely hearts column?
Richie : Yeah!
Eddie : Yeah, "Ugly virgin desperately seeks sex of any description."
