- Richie: Haven't you got through to the Pope yet?
- Dave Hedgehog: [looking at telephone directory] "Pope, G."
- Richie: What do you mean, "Pope, G."? He's not Pope Gavin is he? He's Pope John Paul. Look under "Pope, J.P."!
- Dave Hedgehog: J.P. Oh, here he is: "Pope, J.P." I didn't know he lived in Twickenham.
- Spudgun: [looking at the baby, getting emotional] Poor little blighter. His first Christmas, no family, no friends, no Christmas presents.
- Richie: Well, he's got us now. We'll look after him.
- Spudgun: Yeah, he can have my Christmas present. It's a box of Terry's All Gold. We'll have to wait for his little teeth to come through before he can manage the chewy ones.
- Eddie: Yeah, look... he can have my Frankenstein mask I was going to scare the shit out of Richie with later.
- [he holds the mask close to Richie's face, Richie yelps in fright]
- Hedgehog: [takes out a bottle with a picture of a tiger on it] Yeah, and he can have my bottle of aftershave. It's a new one. It's called "Grrr".
- [suddenly Richie is having a realisation as he looks at Eddie, Spudgun and Hedgehog kneeling around the baby's crib, wearing paper crowns]
- Richie: Gold... Frankenstein... and "Grrr"... And you're all wearing crowns... And I'm a virgin!
- Eddie: I thought you said you weren't?
- Richie: No, I know, but I am really, I was fibbing to look hunky.
- Eddie: Oh. Didn't work, did it?
- Richie: No. But enough of that... Guys, if I was you I'd stay on my knees. This is it. This is the Second Coming.
- Eddie, Spudgun, Hedgehog: What?
- Richie: [points at them] Well, look, the three kings. Gold, Frankenstein, and "Grrr". The virgin birth.
- [he notices the blue towel he's still wearing over his head from playing peek-a-boo to stop the baby crying]
- Richie: And look! A blue head-scarf! I mean, that really tops it off! It's all slotting into place. I knew I was special. I always knew I was different from the other people. That's why I never got a shag! I was being kept pure, because I'm better than everyone else in the whole world! Oh, I had a few pretty narrow squeaks though. Ho ho, yes!
- [pause]
- Richie: No, I didn't really, I'm lying to myself.
- Spudgun: [the baby messes his nappy] I think his nappy needs changing.
- Richie: What?
- Eddie: Well, go on Richie, your his... mother.
- Richie: Oh come one, guys, this is the twentieth century, it's not fair.
- Spudgun: But we're not worthy, oh holy one.
- Eddie: Oh yes, oh majestic... thing
- Dave Hedgehog: Yeah, oh one... what he said.
- Richie: What do you mean what he said, you're supposed to be a wise man! Oh never mind, I'll do it, who'd be a woman?
- [He undoes the nappy and the smell makes them all wretch]
- Eddie: Are you sure he's the son of God?
- Richie: Nobody smoke! Eddie, got the mop, the bucket and the bleach.
- Spudgun: What? You can't put bleach on a baby's bottom. Here, let me, I come from a large family.
- Richie: You'd have to, wouldn't you, mate?
- [Spudgun clocks him]
- Eddie: [Deleted scene] Now, where's mine?
- Richie: Oh right.
- [Hums the 20th Century Fox theme and unwraps a poor self-portrait]
- Eddie: What is it?
- Richie: It's a picture.
- Eddie: Oh, a picture. What of?
- Richie: Me. Self-portrait. Don't you like it?
- Eddie: Well, it's bollocks, isn't it Richie?
- Richie: No, no, it's one of mine. Although he is awfully good! We do have a similar style, don't we? In fact, a lot of people tell me my paintings look like Bollocks. I thought I'd go well next to the dining room table.
- Eddie: Yes, that should help me lose a lot of weight.
- Richie: Or hey, what about sticking it in the toilet?
- Eddie: Not a bad idea, although I'm not sure the flush mechanism could handle it.
- Richie: What?
- Eddie: I've got the perfect place for it!
- [Transition to the living room, Eddie is directing the portrait]
- Eddie: Right a bit, I think. No, left a bit, down a bit, hold it there. Yep, that looks about dandy.
- [Smashes portrait over Richie]
- Eddie: Yep, that looks lovely.
- Richie: [Glares at Eddie] You're a philistine, Edward Hitler, that's your problem. It took me fifteen minutes to paint that!