Photos
Quotes
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Spudgun : [looking at the baby, getting emotional] Poor little blighter. His first Christmas, no family, no friends, no Christmas presents.
Richie : Well, he's got us now. We'll look after him.
Spudgun : Yeah, he can have my Christmas present. It's a box of Terry's All Gold. We'll have to wait for his little teeth to come through before he can manage the chewy ones.
Eddie : Yeah, look... he can have my Frankenstein mask I was going to scare the shit out of Richie with later.
[he holds the mask close to Richie's face, Richie yelps in fright]
Hedgehog : [takes out a bottle with a picture of a tiger on it] Yeah, and he can have my bottle of aftershave. It's a new one. It's called "Grrr".
[suddenly Richie is having a realisation as he looks at Eddie, Spudgun and Hedgehog kneeling around the baby's crib, wearing paper crowns]
Richie : Gold... Frankenstein... and "Grrr"... And you're all wearing crowns... And I'm a virgin!
Eddie : I thought you said you weren't?
Richie : No, I know, but I am really, I was fibbing to look hunky.
Eddie : Oh. Didn't work, did it?
Richie : No. But enough of that... Guys, if I was you I'd stay on my knees. This is it. This is the Second Coming.
Eddie , Spudgun , Hedgehog : What?
Richie : [points at them] Well, look, the three kings. Gold, Frankenstein, and "Grrr". The virgin birth.
[he notices the blue towel he's still wearing over his head from playing peek-a-boo to stop the baby crying]
Richie : And look! A blue head-scarf! I mean, that really tops it off! It's all slotting into place. I knew I was special. I always knew I was different from the other people. That's why I never got a shag! I was being kept pure, because I'm better than everyone else in the whole world! Oh, I had a few pretty narrow squeaks though. Ho ho, yes!
[pause]
Richie : No, I didn't really, I'm lying to myself.
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Spudgun : [the baby messes his nappy] I think his nappy needs changing.
Richie : What?
Eddie : Well, go on Richie, your his... mother.
Richie : Oh come one, guys, this is the twentieth century, it's not fair.
Spudgun : But we're not worthy, oh holy one.
Eddie : Oh yes, oh majestic... thing
Dave Hedgehog : Yeah, oh one... what he said.
Richie : What do you mean what he said, you're supposed to be a wise man! Oh never mind, I'll do it, who'd be a woman?
[He undoes the nappy and the smell makes them all wretch]
Eddie : Are you sure he's the son of God?
Richie : Nobody smoke! Eddie, got the mop, the bucket and the bleach.
Spudgun : What? You can't put bleach on a baby's bottom. Here, let me, I come from a large family.
Richie : You'd have to, wouldn't you, mate?
[Spudgun clocks him]
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Eddie : [Deleted scene] Now, where's mine?
Richie : Oh right.
[Hums the 20th Century Fox theme and unwraps a poor self-portrait]
Eddie : What is it?
Richie : It's a picture.
Eddie : Oh, a picture. What of?
Richie : Me. Self-portrait. Don't you like it?
Eddie : Well, it's bollocks, isn't it Richie?
Richie : No, no, it's one of mine. Although he is awfully good! We do have a similar style, don't we? In fact, a lot of people tell me my paintings look like Bollocks. I thought I'd go well next to the dining room table.
Eddie : Yes, that should help me lose a lot of weight.
Richie : Or hey, what about sticking it in the toilet?
Eddie : Not a bad idea, although I'm not sure the flush mechanism could handle it.
Richie : What?
Eddie : I've got the perfect place for it!
[Transition to the living room, Eddie is directing the portrait]
Eddie : Right a bit, I think. No, left a bit, down a bit, hold it there. Yep, that looks about dandy.
[Smashes portrait over Richie]
Eddie : Yep, that looks lovely.
Richie : [Glares at Eddie] You're a philistine, Edward Hitler, that's your problem. It took me fifteen minutes to paint that!
