Photos
Quotes
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Gasman : Hello, I'm the gasman. Can I read your meter?
Richie : Why, hello Mr Gasman!
Eddie : [mouthing] What?
Richie : Hello Mr Gasman!
Gasman : Yes hello, I was wondering...
Eddie : [mouthing] What?
Richie : [shouting] GASMAN! GASMAN! GASMAN!
Gasman : Do you have someone who looks after you? Can I see them please cause I need to read your meter.
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Richie : Hello, Mr Gasman!
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Eddie : [Eddie is writing a false report in the gasman's journal] "No problem with the meter in this flat, don't check for another three-hundred years. Nice people, especially the bloke with the glasses who wasn't holding a frying pan. Nice atmos altogether, really."
Richie : Alright Dickens, get on with it.
Eddie : "Left in high spirits to indulge in my hobby of bus surfing."
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Richie : [Richie and Eddie are playing cards] Right, I'll bet another week's worth of washing up.
Eddie : I'll see your week's worth of washing up, and I'll raise you, four trips to the launderette, 3p in real money, and one cleaning *and* disinfecting right round the back of the lavatory bowl.
Richie : Well that's cleaned me out.
Eddie : Right, what have you got?
Richie : Right.
[Puts his cards down]
Richie : Three pairs.
Eddie : What do you mean three pairs, you're only allowed five cards!
Richie : Oh, shit! Well, two pair, two and a half pairs.
[Hides a card under himself]
Eddie : Stand up.
Richie : No.
Eddie : Come on.
Richie : I can't, I've got a hernia.
Eddie : No, you haven't.
Richie : I have, all the excitement just gave me a hernia.
Eddie : Stand up or I will give you a hernia!
Richie : All right, all right!
Eddie : Cards.
[Richie picks up the cards on his seat and puts them on the table]
Eddie : Shoes.
Richie : Oh don't be ridic...
Eddie : I saw you fold them up and put them in there.
[Richie empties more cards out of his shoes]
Eddie : Underpants.
Richie : Oh, Eddie, those are my best ones!
Eddie : Look, I'm not angry it's just that we're playing with a deck of twelve cards here.
[Richie takes the rest of his cards from his underwear]
Eddie : Right, let's get on with the game.
Richie : Right, what have you got?
Eddie : Five kings.
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Eddie : Here we are
[handing tea out]
Eddie : . Three cups of... steaming cold tea. Better drink it before it gets warm.
Richie : [laughs] This is the best tea in London.
[Drinks some and retches]
Richie : Are you not going to drink any of yours Eddie?
Eddie : No, I'm watching you enjoying yours.
Richie : But I drank mine, do your fair share, you bastard!
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[the boys believe they've just killed the meter reader]
Eddie : Hey! Maybe he's not dead. Maybe he's just stunned! Why don't you give him the Kiss of Life?
Richie : Yeah!
[pause, disgusted look]
Richie : No I will NOT! You sad pervy! We've got a dead body in the house and your first idea is to sexually assault it!
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Richie : [Deleted scene] Now don't you worry, Eddie, there's more than three ways to kill a monkey.
Eddie : Are there?
Richie : Oh yes, yes indeed, yes indeedy-do.
Eddie : What are they then?
Richie : What are what?
Eddie : What are these secret and mystical ways of killing monkeys?
Richie : Ah... well... give me your ladle.
[Eddie hands him a ladle]
Richie : Give me your hat.
[Eddie removes his hat, Richie hits him on the head a few times with the ladle and throws it away]
Richie : Now shut up, I'll do the thinking, I'm the leader.
Eddie : No, you're not, I'm the leader!
Richie : It's pathological with you, isn't it? Just automatically contradicting everything I have to say. Twenty-five years, day in, day out, constantly gainsaying every positive statement I make.
Eddie : No, I don't.
Richie : There, you did it again, you bastard!
Eddie : Git!
Richie : Oaf!
Eddie : Git!
Richie : Simpleton! Turd! Orangutan!
Mr. Rottweiler : [They argue until Mr Rottweiler shouts out of the window] What the bloody hell's going on out here? Shut it! Or I'll start shooting!
[He goes back in]
Eddie : [Softly] Git.
Richie : Enough of that, come on, let's synchronize watches. At a quarter to two a.m. Five, four, three, two, one, click. Oh, it says quarter to three now. Or is that the date? Nevermind, I was only trying to be sexy.
Eddie : Failed rather miserably, didn't you?
Richie : Just shut up, get on with it!
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Richie : You must! You must! You must drink our tea! It's the best tea in London! Sit down and drink it for the next 12 minutes!
Gasman : [scared] Erm alright then. If you wouldn't mind.
Richie : [waiting for Eddie to make the tea] Nice trousers. They remind me a story. Lasts about 10 minutes. Once there was a forest... and in the forest, lived some trousers... called Dave.
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Richie : Evening Mr. Rottweiler!
Mr. Rottweiller : What is it?
Richie : Just a friendly visit. May we come in?
Mr. Rottweiller : Bugger off, I've got a bird upstairs!
Richie : But we've brought you round... half a bottle of sherry.
Eddie : Hic!
Mr. Rottweiller : Ta very much. Anything else?
Lolly : [from inside] Who is it darling?
Mr. Rottweiller : It's them bastards from next door! I won't be a tick.
Eddie : Have you got a real woman in there?
Richie : Cor! Can we have a look?
Mr. Rottweiller : Sod off!
Richie : Oh no, go on, go on, just a peek.
Eddie : Do you mind if I get my camera?
Mr. Rottweiller : Look, don't make me angry! Something very special's happened to me. I'm in love!, It's the real thing!, So I don't want you two jerks coming round messing things up, d'you understand? If I see either of you again tonight, I'll kill ya!
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Richie : [the boys have attacked the gasman and he lies on the floor motionless] You're not going anywhere, mate!
[No response]
Richie : Mate? Mate? Eddie, you've killed him!
Eddie : [Dropping the frying pan he attacked the gasman with] I never touched him!
Richie : Yeah, but the frying pan did and you were touching that at the time!
Eddie : Bollocks! You killed him! He was dead before he hit the ground!
Richie : Then why did you keep hitting him with the frying pan?
Eddie : For fun!
Richie : [They look at the body, the awful reality dawns on them] Oh God! What are we gonna do?
Eddie : About twenty-five years I think!
Richie : No, no, rubbish, he fell over on his way to the door.
Eddie : Yes,
[placing the frying pan in the gasman's hand]
Eddie : And bashed himself repeatedly over the head with a frying pan!
Richie : You're right! We're done for!
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Eddie : Another game?
Richie : You bet.
Eddie : Seven-card stud or Crazy Eights?
Richie : Makes no difference to me, mate, I don't know the rules.
Eddie : Right, One-card slam it is then.
Richie : Okey-doke.
Eddie : [Slaps card on the table] Twelve quid!
Richie : Bloody hell! No wonder they all shoot each other on those river boats.
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Richie : You, stupid, stupid bastard! I knew you'd get us into trouble!
Eddie : He looked alright to me.
Richie : I'm not talking about him, I'm talking about nicking next door's gas supply. What time is it now?
Eddie : [Checks his watch] Quarter past six.
Richie : Right, that means we've got til nine o'clock tomorrow morning which is...
Eddie : [Checks again] That's a tricky one, there's a five in it? No. Four hours, twenty-seven minutes.
Richie : Is it? Oh, that's right, I was just about to say that. That means we've got four hours and twenty seven minutes to get in next door and remove that illegal gas pipeline we connected to next door's mains. I'll keep him talking, and you go in the kitchen and do all the dangerous stuff, okay?
Eddie : That sounds just a trifle unfair to me.
Richie : That's the spirit. Have you got the wrench?
Eddie : No, it's just my underpants are a bit tight.
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Richie : [Eddie has lit a match in Rottweiler's kitchen to burn off the excess gas] Eddie! What the bloody hell do you think you're doing!
Eddie : Thought I'd burn it off.
Richie : What, your face?
Eddie : No, the excess gas.
Richie : Oh really, and how long do you think it'll take to burn off the entire North Sea gas reserves?
Eddie : I don't know, what do you reckon?
Richie : I reckon we oughta get outta here!
Eddie : Okey-dokey, I'll just get rid of the evidence.
[Gathers up a length of piping]
