Photos
Quotes
-
[Richie is making a list for the holidays]
Richie : What else do we need for the beach?
Eddie : Um, tetanus jabs?
Richie : Ooh yes! Better make an appointment to see doctor Wildthroat for a booster.
Eddie : He's not a Doctor of Medicine, you know.
Richie : Well, I know, yes, but he's cheap!
Eddie : Gave you rabies last year!
Richie : But it only cost three quid! Come on, Eddie, beggars can't be choosers!
Eddie : No, but they can froth at the mouth and eat the furniture!
-
Richie : [making a list for things to take on holiday] Ooh, condoms!
Eddie : Well, we can take last year's, can't we?
Richie : But have we got any left?
Eddie : Yeah. All of 'em!
Richie : Thank God for that! I hate going to the chemist's! Keep thinking my Mum will find out. I mean, buying johnnies is just a constant embarrassment!
Eddie : What do you mean, you've only done it once! That was back in 1977!
Richie : Hey, hey, it's a bloody convincing performance, though! That shop assistant could've sworn I was French!
Eddie : Yeah, maybe that's why you came out with 50 tubes of pile cream as well!
Richie : Yes, well, maybe my mime was a little indistinctive, yes, but you know, I mean, it was worth the daytrip to Birmingham just to find a chemist who didn't know us, you know! I mean, it might have been a long way round just to buy a threepack of johnnies we never use, but I'll tell you what: there's been no piles in this house since 1977!
-
Richie : [Opening line] Who would've believed it? A late booking, standby, 75% discount! That's what you get for haggling, you see, Eddie.
Eddie : What, a kick in the bollocks?
Richie : What do you mean, he was merely falling over and steadied himself by putting his boot into my testicles. Ow. Still, there's no arguing with that, 75% discount on a heat-seekers bronzeathon. Nine day special of sun, sea, sand and sex.
Eddie : Yeah, Bridlington won't know what's hit it.
Richie : Look at that only twenty-five minutes to the beach. By car.
Eddie : I thought Bridlington was on the coast?
Richie : It is.
Eddie : So what it really means is twenty-five minutes from Bridlington.
Richie : What's the address?
Eddie : Doncaster.
Richie : Well, I've never been there, but it sounds romantic. And hey, Eddie, it's got a "dong" in it. Lucky omen!
Eddie : Yeah, we're in the luck, all right, I mean, imagine if Dick the barman hadn't spotted us filling our glasses from the drip tray, we'd never have scarpered down that back alley and bumped into Dodgy Bob McMayday, the most violent travel agent in the world!
Richie : Just imagine, it only cost us £4000!
Eddie : Yeah! We haven't actually got £4000, have we?
Richie : Yes, yes, yes, but that's why he gave us such an interesting deal.
Eddie : What, turn up with the money by Christmas or we die?
-
Eddie : [the duo are attempting liposuction with a vacuum-cleaner] Are you sure this wise?
Richie : What do you mean, of course it's wise. Eddie, they do this in Hollywood all the time.
Eddie : Do they?
[fires up the vacuum]
Richie : Now nice, gentle circular motions around the hip area.
[Eddie does as instructed]
Richie : Ah, that's good, that's working, jolly good.
[it's going well until Richie's genitals caught in the nozzle]
Richie : Eddie, put it on blow! Put it on blow!
Eddie : You dirty, dirty bastard!
Richie : Quick Eddie, hurry! I've nearly reached the bag!
-
Richie : I wonder what we'll do?
Eddie : Same as we always do. Hang about in the boarding house, playing Scrabble until the rain lets up and then dash out to the bookies and back.
Richie : Oh yeah! Oh, I can't wait! Hey, do you think the landlady'll be anything like the one we had last year?
Eddie : What you mean dead?
Richie : No, no, I meant before the accident. Hey, did you ever get your lighter back?
Eddie : No, they kept it for the inquest.
Richie : Did they? Huh. Oh, but she was a sweetheart, wasn't she? Do you remember her last words? "Oh, Mr Hitler, do you know anything about gas leaks?"
[Eddie mimes clicking lighter and explosion]
Eddie : Still, it was the first time we were warm on that holiday.
-
Richie : You've been drinking, haven't you?
Eddie : How dare you! How dare you accuse me of drinkininge! Me, your oldest pal and matey, old skip! Old bus fart, tram-ticket, one for the road, bag of scratchings,
[Knocks over the television]
Eddie : whoops-a-daisy! We'll keep a welcome in the valet parking, Mr David "Childish" Jensen! Me? Drinkininge! Why I'll tear you limb from limb!
[Collapses on the floor pulling the curtains down]
Richie : But you have though, haven't you?
Eddie : Yeah.
-
Richie : [Yelps] Did I pack? Yes! Yes, of course I did. That's an easy mistake to make. Eddie, are you packed?
Eddie : Certainly am, never had any complaints.
Richie : No, I mean are you packed for the holiday?
Eddie : Yes, that as well.
Richie : Good. Where are your bags?
Eddie : I haven't got any bags, I am wearing everything I need. Well, everything I have actually.
Richie : But Eddie, what about spares?
Eddie : I'm wearing them as well.
Richie : Are you mad? What if you have an accident?
Eddie : I'll go to the hospital.
Richie : I mean a trouser accident!
Eddie : I'll wear yours.
Richie : But you can't, I'm in mine. Oh enough of this mindless trouser banter! Have you got the windbreak?
Eddie : No, it's just the way me underpants have been ironed.
Richie : Oh, thank God for that. Oh, what about that thing you use on the beach for keeping the wind out?
Eddie : What, a cork?
-
Richie : The coach leaves at midnight, you put the kettle on, I'll make a list of all the things we need to nick for the beach. Number one: Sun-tan lotion.
Eddie : Richie, we're going to Bridlington. Well, Doncaster. I hardly think we'll be needing sun-tan lotion.
Richie : Oh yes, drizzle oil, then!
Eddie : Gloom Juice!
Richie : Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, wind smear!
Eddie : Wind smear? I don't think we need to take the contents of your underpants.
Richie : Well actually, that's where you're wrong, Eddie. Because if you think carefully about it, we will need to take the contents of my underpants!
[Both laugh]
Richie : Aren't we having a great time? See, that's what makes the English great, Eddie, laughing at adversity. I mean, if we were millionaires living in Bermuda, we wouldn't have found that very funny, would we?
[They think about it]
Richie : No.
-
Richie : [Attempting to lift the fridge with a pulley] Hey, how am I looking, Eddie?
Eddie : Like a sort of vast mountain of Vaseline with a heart condition, that's just lifted the fridge about a millimeter off the ground.
Richie : Hey, no gain without pain.
Eddie : [Spots something under the fridge] Hey, hang on, what's that sellotaped to the bottom of the fridge? Looks like that missing blackmail nudie snap of Desmond Lynam.
Richie : Well, come on, Eddie, give me a hand to lift the fridge! I want to get a glimpse of Dessie's Hammerhead! Grab a hold of this and give it a bloody good yank!
[They pull the pulley and sprain their groins]
