Bottom (TV Series)

Apocalypse (1991)

Adrian Edmondson: Eddie

Photos 

Quotes 

• Richie : Is the moon up yet?

  Eddie : I can't see from here.

  Richie : Well, go have a look!

  Eddie : You go have a look!

  Richie : I can't go to the window, you know that. I might fall out! Or the window might fall in!

  Eddie : I can't go they'll think I'm Sean Connery.

  Richie : You don't look a bit like Sean Connery.

  Eddie : [as Michael Caine]  "Hello, my name's James Bond. Not a lot of people know that."

  Richie : Ugh, I don't know, maybe death will be a release.

  Eddie : "Zulus. Thousands of 'em! White til you see the whites of their eyes, lads." They would've won if they kept their eyes closed. "Not a lot of people know that."

• Eddie : [reads letter]  What's this? Annual membership to "Barbarella's Aerobic Fitness Centre"?

  Richie : Nothing to do with me.

  Eddie : It's got "Richard Richard" written on it.

  Richie : Ah. Er...

  Eddie : [reads]  "Leotard"?

  Richie : Well, er, Eddie, none of us are getting any younger. I just pop along every Wednesday afternoon and firm up.

  Eddie : What, you stand at the back of a room full of girls jiggling their bottoms up and down and "firm up"?

• [Eddie dressed up as Death] 

  Eddie : All right then mortal. I can see you're eager to keep your life. How's about I offer you a straight deal?

  Richie : A deal? Sure. No problem. Great.

  Eddie : How much money have ya got in the house?

  Richie : Oh, none.

  Eddie : What about the three hundred pounds on top of the bathroom cabinet?

  Richie : How do you know about that?

  Eddie : God, I keep telling you mate. I'm Death, I know everything.

  Richie : Everything? What, even about the...?

  Eddie : Especially that you naughty boy.

  Richie : All right. I'll get the money, just don't tell anybody. You wait right here.

• Shooting gallery stallholder : How much money have you got in the house?

  Richie : None.

  Shooting gallery stallholder : What about the £300 I hear you've got safely ensconced on top of the bathroom cabinet?

  Eddie : It's not there anymore.

  Shooting gallery stallholder : Well then I'll just have to this then.

  [Swipes the wad of cash from Eddie] 

  Shooting gallery stallholder : That should just about cover the £300 they told me in Harley Street it would cost to get my eye fixed. While I'm here, I'll think I'll take that copy of Girly World and all.

  [Takes the porn magazine from Eddie] 

  Richie : A very wise choice sir. Oh, and one more thing.

  Shooting gallery stallholder : Yeah?

  Richie : Well, since you're here, would you like to kick Eddie in the bollocks?

  Shooting gallery stallholder : Don't mind if I do, thank you very much.

  Richie : Be my guest.

  [Stallholder kicks Eddie in the groin, freeze-frame on Eddie's reaction] 

• Richie : [Examining the goldfish]  Is it dead?

  Eddie : Yeah.

  Richie : Right, should we fry it or poach it?

  Eddie : I don't mind as long as I get the head.

• [Eddie is dressed as "The Death", which Richie doesn't know; Richie is scared as hell] 

  Richie : [crying]  Please, give me another chance!

  Eddie : No, I won't, if you don't leave Eddie alone.

  Richie : How did you know that we had fights?

  Eddie : I am The Death, I know *everything*!

  Richie : Uh-oh... Do you know that I have...

  Eddie : I know that too, naughty boy!