Photos
Quotes
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Eddie : I'm sorry.
Richie : Are you?
Eddie : Yes.
Richie : Well, write it down then.
Eddie : What?
Richie : Go on! There's a pen. Write down "I'm sorry". Write down "I'm sorry I'm a twat"! Write down "I'm sorry I'm a twat", ten times! I shall wait for you by the television until you are ready.
[Richie leaves]
Eddie : [Writing] "I'm sorry I'm a twat, ten times".
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Richie : [opening a birthday letter] Here's one from all the lads on the Ark Royal. Bless 'em! They never forget an old serviceman.
Eddie : By "serviceman", I take you mean that time you got caught on board pretending to be the captain? Just to impress Ethel Cardew.
Richie : It worked.
Eddie : No it didn't. She got off with the arresting officer.
Richie : Yeah, well, it worked for him. Anyway, stop trying to spoil my birthday! Look, it says here: "Best wishes from all the lads on the Ark Royal".
Eddie : But it's in your handwriting! You've been sending it to yourself for the last seven years!
[Picks up a few cards]
Eddie : This one's from Rod Steiger, this one's from Abba, with "Happy Christmas 1973" written inside it, and this one is from the People of the Soviet Union, "In grateful thanks to comrade Richie"!
Richie : [pauses] It's in Russian.
Eddie : You just put the 'R's the wrong way around!
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Richie : What was your name again?
Spudgun : Spudgun.
Richie : Spudgun. Why do they call you 'Spudgun'?
Spudgun : Well, give me a potato and I show you why.
Eddie : No, Richie! You dont want to see that.
Richie : Well, why do they call you 'Hedgehog'?
Dave Hedgehog : Give me a hedgehog and I show you why.
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Richie : [on Richie's birthday] Rather a bumper crop of cards this year! Popular guy, you see, Eddie.
[sarcastically]
Richie : Let's see, how many cards did you get for your birthday? Oh no, no, of course, how thoughtless of me, 'cause you didn't get any, did you?
Eddie : Only because you glued up the letterbox.
Richie : Now that's just sour grapes, Eddie. There was absolutely no proof that it was me.
Eddie : Well, except you couldn't get your hands out of your pockets all day. Mind you, what's new?
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Richie : This is all because I accidentally ruined your birthday last year, isn't it? Well it wasn't my fault I got so terribly ill I had to order you to cancel your birthday party!
Eddie : You weren't ill. You just ate a tin of curry powder and painted your face green. I knew it was a hoax, because the paint washed off when that enema backfired.
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Richie : [Reading a piecie of paper, given to him by Eddie as a birthday present] "Madame Swish, 3:30". Oh Eddie, you haven't! Oh, what a pal you are! Madame Swish! Ooh! Aah! God, at last, I'm really gonna do it! And on my birthday as well!
[Sniffs paper]
Richie : Ooh! I wonder what she's like!
Eddie : She's a dead Cert, mate. A real stayer.
Richie : Really?
Eddie : Yeah, she'll come first.
Richie : What, before me? Good grief, that's quick! So she'll think I'm great! Oh what a pal you are! And it's all paid for?
Eddie : Um, not exactly, I'll need a tenner.
Richie : A tenner? Right. That's quite cheap, isn't it?
Eddie : Um, well, no. In that case, it's a tenner each way.
Richie : [Surprised] Well, how many ways are there?
Eddie : Well, you'll come first, second, or third, won't you?
Richie : [Aghast] Well, how many people are gonna be there?
Eddie : Well, a few thousand.
Richie : [Yells] What?
Eddie : Well, it's Kempton!
Richie : Kempton? I can't get down to Kempton by 3:30!
Eddie : You don't have to, mate! It'll be on the telly!
Richie : [Terrified] They're gonna televise it? What if my auntie's watching?
Eddie : Well, what's illegal about betting on a horse?
Eddie : [shouting] A horse?
Eddie : Yeah!
Richie : [shouting] Madame Swish is... is a horse?
Eddie : Yeah! Well, what d'you think it was?
Richie : [Disappointed] Oh no, nothing, nothing. I was just checking.
Eddie : I have given you a red hot tip!
Richie : [shouting] I know, and there's nothing I can do about it now, is there?
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Spudgun : What did Medieval people do before telly?
Dave Hedgehog : Oh, they probably had their tea, didn't they?
Eddie : No, before telly was invented.
Dave Hedgehog : Oh, they had cockfights.
Spudgun : No wonder they all got the plague.
