Black Books (TV Series)

Grapes of Wrath (2000)

Dylan Moran: Bernard Black

Photos 

Quotes 

• Bernard : [gibbering]  They'd all laugh at me if they knew what I was trying to do... to create a new strain of super-wine in a half an hour with a fraction of nature's resources and a FOOL for an assistant. "Bernard Black, he's mad," they'd say. "He's insane. He's dangerous." Well I'll show them! I'll show them all!

• Bernard : It's all waffle! Nobody is prepared to admit that wine doesn't have a taste.

  Manny : Of course you can't taste anything, you smoke eighty bajillion cigarettes a day. What's that you're eating?

  Bernard : It's some sort of delicious biscuit.

  Manny : It's a coaster!

  Bernard : Are there any more?

• Manny : [Manny and Bernard are drinking wine]  This is a farmyard of wine...

  Bernard : It's like looking into the eye of a duck...

  Manny : And sucking all the fluid from its beak.

• Fran : I've got a date. Ben, divorcee, very good-looking... nice arse. Which is a first for me.

  Bernard : Never had a nice one?

  Fran : No, never. And I know they exist because I've seen them on the telly. You had one?

  Bernard : Well, there was this one woman, Janine. I don't know if it was "nice", but it was... huge! So there was this enormous sense of value.

• Bernard : I don't trust him. He has no nasal hair.

• Bernard : No one is willing to admit that wine doesn't actually have a taste.

  Manny : Of course you can't taste anything, you smoke eighty bazillion cigarettes a day. What's that you're eating?

  Bernard : Some sort of delicious biscuit.

  Manny : It's a coaster.

  Manny : Is it? Are there any more?

• Bernard : Look!

  [the headline says "Pope killed by inferior wine, man held"] 

  Bernard : It's my birthday!

• Manny : You are a filth *wizard*. Friend only to the pig and the rat. Ugh. Look?

  [he opens a pizza box] 

  Bernard : Pizza. I was going to warm it and eat it later. *Everybody* does that. That's *normal*. You are just *looking* for things to complain about.

  Manny : And what are these?

  Bernard : ...wasps.

• Bernard : [Cleaner appears from nowhere]  GAH! Who are you?

  Cleaner : [sinister, ethereal]  Who am I? I'll tell you who I am! I'm the Cleaner!

• Bernard : Old wine is good wine.

  Manny : Ah, but expensive wine is good wine.

  Bernard : Ah, but the older it is, the better it is.

  Manny : Yes, but the more expensive it is, the gooder it is.

• Bernard : How much does it say it was worth?

  Manny : £7000!

  Bernard : Well, I've got three fifty, how much have you got?