- Baldrick: My Lord...
- Prince Edmund: What?
- Baldrick: I also have a plan.
- Prince Edmund: Yes?
- Baldrick: Why not make her think you prefer the company of men?
- Prince Edmund: But I do, Baldrick, I do!
- Baldrick: No, no, My Lord. I mean, erm, the, er, *intimate* company of men...?
- Prince Edmund: You don't mean... like the Earle of Doncaster...?
- Baldrick: I mean just like the Earle of Doncaster.
- Prince Edmund: That great radish? That steaming great left-footer? The Earle of Doncaster, Baldrick, has been riding side-saddle since he was seventeen.
- Baldrick: Mm! And who would want to marry the Earle of Doncaster?
- Prince Edmund: Well, no-one wou -
- [realises]
- Prince Edmund: Brilliant! Of course! No-one would marry the Earle of Doncaster!... except, perhaps, the Duke of Beaufort.
- King Richard IV: [laughs] Ah, Harry, the gentle art of diplomacy! But you well know where the real secret of diplomacy lies, don't you, my boy...
- Harry, Prince of Wales: Well, actually, I don't, Father, but I would like to know.
- King Richard IV: [points to Harry's groin] There.
- Harry, Prince of Wales: [lifts his robes] Are you sure? I can't imagine anything of any real interest down there.
- King Richard IV: Let me explain. What's that for?
- Harry, Prince of Wales: Well, a couple of things...
- King Richard IV: Correct, and one of those things is...?
- Harry, Prince of Wales: Best not mentioned, really.
- King Richard IV: Right! And the other is fornication!
- [Richard IV hands over an ornate container]
- King Richard IV: Chiswick. Give this to the Queen of Naples.
- Lord Chiswick: What is it my Lord?
- King Richard IV: The King of Naples.
- King Richard IV: Chiswick, remind me to send flowers to the King of France in sympathy for the of his son.
- Lord Chiswick: The one you had beheaded, my lord...
- King Richard IV: Yes, that's the fellow.
- Baldrick: [as Edmund and Percy are dressing him up to sneak into the Infanta's room] Please my lord, I beg you to reconsider...
- Prince Edmund: Baldrick, if there was any other way, you know I'd take it!
- Baldrick: But I'll die in there!
- [meaning the room that Infanta is in]
- Prince Edmund: Don't worry. We'll give you a hero's funeral, bury you at sea, say you died in combat, with an enemy vessel.
- Prince Edmund: So let me get this straight. You're saying that something which you have never seen is slightly less blue than something else which you have never seen?
- 3rd & 4th Messengers: My Lord, news: the Swiss have invaded France.
- King Richard IV: Excellent!
- [to one of his men who is standing in attendance]
- King Richard IV: Wessex, while they're away, take ten thousand troops and pillage Geneva.
- Lord Chiswick: But the Swiss are our allies, My Lord.
- King Richard IV: Oh yes... Well, er, get them to dress up as Germans, will you?
- Prince Edmund: [reading to Princess Leia] "And so it came to pass that the big bear had to leave all his friends, and go to live in a land far away where the elves and faries would look after him until the day that he died."
- [Edmund closes the book, Princess Leia yawns]
- Princess Leia of Hungary: Oh that was lovely Edmund. What a happy story.
- [Edmund looks unhappy]
- Princess Leia of Hungary: Isn't it time to put the light out?
- Prince Edmund: Yes my dear, I think it is. It must be at least... six o' clock.
- [Edmund blows the candle out and the credits roll]
- Prince Edmund: As my tutor, old bubble face, used to say: "make love and be merry, for tomorrow you may catch some disgusting skin disease."
- Infanta Maria Escalosa of Spain: Mi Amor! Mi Amor!
- [Starts kissing Blackadder]
- The Queen: Look at the two love birds!
- Prince Edmund: One love bird and one love elephant.
- King Richard IV: [clapping his hands] Where is she? Where is she? Where is Princess Leia?
- [Edmund eyes the four beautiful ladies in the room and waits patiently. Princess Leia enters]
- King Richard IV: Ah, good. Good!
- [to Edmund, who is surprised to see that Princess Leia is a child]
- King Richard IV: Husband, meet your new wife.
- Princess Leia of Hungary: [very pleased] Hello Edmund.
- Prince Edmund: [looking displeased] Hello.
- Princess Leia of Hungary: [suddenly looking displeased] Are we getting married now?
- Prince Edmund: [slightly happier] Yes. Yes, I believe we are.
- Princess Leia of Hungary: Come on then.
- [Princess Leia takes Edmund's hand]
- [last lines]
- Princess Leia of Hungary: Can I have a drink of water please?
- Prince Edmund: [almost whispering] Yes, yes, yes! All right!
- [while the Archbishop is speaking, Don Speekinglesh is interpreting what he says into Spanish]
- Archbishop: Do you, Edmund Plantagenet, take Maria...
- Don Speekingleesh, An Interpreter: [interrupting] Usted, Edmund...
- Archbishop: [shouts at him] Oh, do shut up!
- Don Speekingleesh, An Interpreter: [in Spanish, to the crowd watching the marriage] !Silencion!
- [Silence!]
- Harry, Prince of Wales: I wanted to have a word with you about my speech at the wedding feast. I thought perhaps I'd go for a fruit motif.
- Prince Edmund: Yes...?
- Harry, Prince of Wales: Something like, er, "It is with extrawberry pleasure that we welcome you, er, may you be the apple of your husband's eye, and may he, in turn, cherries you..." - 'Cherish', you see - "... even though it's an oranged marriage." Good, eh?
- Prince Edmund: Brilliant. Quite, quite brilliant.
- Harry, Prince of Wales: Yes, I thought it was rather good. I'm hoping to squeeze in a 'banana' by the end of the day.